Old Awakenings and New Beginnings
by Psycho Sombrero
Summary: At a devastating point in Yuki's life, Kakeru finds him and saves him.But it turns out Kakeru has his own life-threatening issues, Shigure knows more than he's letting on, and everyone seems to be angsting about something.YAOI,YukixManabe, and some others
1. Chapter 1

Okay, so this is going to be boy/boy (Yuki/Kakeru). Possibly erasing the bond they have of understanding each other's problems as good friends in the manga-well, I don't care. Besides, Yuki's good-looking, has great manners, and a great understanding of other people; He can't POSSIBLY be strait! If you don't like boy/boy, if you don't like the above pairing, if you don't like the general idea, then DON'T READ IT, DUMBASS. There's your warning, so if it's not your cup of tea, don't drink it, kay?

**Okay, this is a fanfic, so I'm going to ignore the fact that Kakeru had a girlfriend and that he really does resemble Ayame some. Try not to think about those. **

**This first chapter is Yun-Yun's perspective, but it won't always be. I mean, I won't like write multiple chapters from different points of view, but one chapter may be Yun-Yun and the next in plain third person and the next from Kakeru's. Idk…I'm rambling again…**

**So, please enjoy and please review! **

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It hadn't been a particularly eventful year so far.

Until I met _him._

He annoyed me so much, and yet…he made me feel good. Whenever I was sad, whenever I was on edge…even if he didn't know it… he always made me feel better.

He was the first person on the "outside" I ever told about…Akito, and my parents… The way he just nodded and said everyone had their burdens to bear made me a little annoyed; the way he said it like it wasn't a big deal and it wasn't worth the worry. It even made me feel a little stupid. And yet…it made me feel like I could go on. Like what I went through wasn't so bad… Like it couldn't hold me back anymore.

It was because of him…that I began to feel like a real part of the rest of the world. And the reason I let go of my old emotions that were holding me back.

Because of him…I began to move forward.

It all started when I realized that I didn't "like" Tohru in a romantic sort of way. No matter how I thought about it, I couldn't see her _that_ way. I could see her as a mother, as a friend, as a companion, but not a…well, a _girl._

I didn't see the real reason for this back then. It was just one of those things…

But now…it seems like it should have been painfully obvious. I don't know…I was sheltered in the mainhouse for so long, of course it would've been hard for me to know, or even consider such a thing. I had _other_ things on my mind back then…

I wonder sometimes if I went back-if I hadn't been on student council, if I hadn't told him about everything, if the situation had been different…would I still have fallen in love?

A few days after I'd told him about my parents abandoning me, he started paying more attention to me. It was an annoying sort of attention, the way I always thought his was back then, but it was still attention.

I guess I started realizing my feelings a couple months after that. I never thought about doing anything about them, though. I felt stupid and ashamed. I just felt guilty, I guess. I wanted to crawl up and die. I really did. I wanted everyone and everything around me to go away and stay away. But, then I'd think about how I'd just be left with myself. Which would also be agony. I really did just want to die and end my pathetic existence.

Looking back on it, I can cut myself some slack. I was already hanging on by a thread, and I suppose my feelings for Kakeru that I was sure would never be returned were the second to last straw. I say second to last, because if they had been the last, I probably wouldn't still be here.

I guess I should've tried harder not to look as bad as I felt. I think it worried some of the people around me. It even worried _him._

"Oh, Princess Yun-yuuuuuun!" he yelled, smiling as he jogged down the hallway. It was after our student council meeting, and I really thought I'd got ahead of all of them. I didn't want to talk to anyone at the time. I just wanted to get away from all of them.

"Hello, Kakeru…" I replied.

"You've been looking pretty glum lately, Princess Yun-Yun. Something on your mind?"

I lowered my eyes a little bit.

"No…Thanks for your concern, though…"

His smile vanished.

"I really _do_ want to know if there's something bothering you," he said. He suddenly looked enlightened and started smiling. "You're having _romantic_ problems! Am I right, am I right? It's _romantic _problems, right?!?"

I wondered why he was so happy to come up with a hypothesis. I also wondered how he guessed right.

"You could say that…" I replied, looking away.

"Sooooo, who's the lucky girl? Does she like you, too? Are you dating, yet?" he nudged me in the side with his elbow.

"Erm…. 'she' has no idea. And I'm certain she doesn't feel the same way."

"Well, who is it? I'm not okay with anyone who makes my little Yun-Yun this upset!" he joked, even though he was serious about the question.

_It's you, Kakeru…it's you…_

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There it is! I guess maybe I could've done better, but…I don't know, I don't like to re-do things. And I know that's incredibly short, but it's more of an intro than part of the real story. Well, it really does apply to the rest of the story, but it's more like a mini-chapter. And the rest _won't_ be told from Yuki's perspective. I like third person best. Anyway, this chapter was only three and a half pages on my word thingy, and the rest should be between 7-11 pages long. That gives you a good idea, right? So, it'll be fine.

Anyway, please review, Merry Christmas, and I'm gonna go play with my new iPod-like toys, now!

Yours who is quite pleased with her new idea,

Psycho Sombrero.


	2. Chapter 2

**Story line's going to move on sort of quick. This isn't gonna have way too much to do with Yuki and Kakeru's coming to be together. It has more to do with the results. **

**And this is Yun-Yun's perspective again…I didn't even realize it when I started this chapter, but I did it again…I still think it's good, though. I relate to Yuki really well (similar issues. Minus the insane transvestite.), so I guess it's just easy for me to write about him. Anyway, this one's more on his thoughts while it's all happening. Prior to the last chapter that sounded like a future-Yuki narrating. **

**I only got two reviews for my last chapter, but, hey, I've fuelled on less. I just hope some people will start reading! I don't sit in front of the computer, listing to "Back to Black" repeatedly so I can write this serious shit for nothing! (that song gets my depressing gears grinding) Well, actually, I do it because I'm really bored and trying to distract myself from my craving of poptarts…but still! –sigh- anyways, please review and please enjoy! **

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"I didn't mean to say it! It just…came out. It's like… word vomit…" Cady-Mean Girls.

I was trying to run away.

"Yuki! What the hell?" he panted half a block behind me. We were two streets from the school.

I was trying so hard to run away from him. He kept following me. I didn't know why…I must have looked crazy, just running off like that. But when he kept asking who it was, it really did just push me over the edge.

I couldn't stand it. I was so close to telling him the truth. It was so tempting to say "It's you" like in one of those stupid movies…it was on the tip of my tongue. I could feel it. In my stupid head, I had a small dream of him saying similar things back to me.

A small vision…of happiness. It made me feel worse. I wasn't supposed to feel this way about him. It wasn't supposed to happen. It was unnatural. _I'm just a stupid weirdo._ And, what would he think if he knew I was thinking about him like that? He would think I was a freak…he'd be **disgusted**…he'd despise me…I couldn't stand the thought of that. Of him hating me like that.

If he were to hate me like that…I really would have killed myself. _That_ would have been the final straw, no doubt.

A part of me that was still fighting wanted to tell him. It wanted me to tell him how I felt. I kept telling it no, but it was winning…I almost felt like I _had _tell him.

And, so, I ran.

And ran.

And ran.

I wanted to run away from all of those feelings. I wanted to make them just go away. I wanted to get away from him. I wanted to shut myself away from him.

_Don't speak to me…please, don't…don't hate me…I'll __**die.**_

But, he followed me.

And followed me.

And followed me.

He wouldn't just leave me alone. And that made me like him more. Which made me run faster. It scared me. I didn't know of people like him…who would stay, who would be there…who wouldn't give up on me.

He scared the living shit out of me.

I didn't understand at all why he didn't just let me run off like the nut-job I was. Why wouldn't he leave me alone?

_Why don't you leave me? Just leave me alone! _

In truth, I couldn't stand the idea of him leaving my life, either. But I thought I deserved it. Or rather, he didn't deserve someone like me being around him. He could find better people than me. It was all really confusing…and the only solution I could find was to keep them all away from me. Especially _him._

But…as I kept running, he started catching up to me. I was getting slower. And he wasn't.

"Yuuukiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Why are you running?" he yelled only paces behind me.

I was getting light-headed…I hardly knew what I was saying.

"Because of you!"

"What did I do? Did I upset Princess?" It amazed me how he would still joke. In his own obnoxious way, though, he was concerned. He was _still_ trying to help me.

And so I tried to run faster.

But the faster I tried to run, the slower I got. I felt like I was drowning. The more I struggled to get to the surface, the farther down I went. Down to the murky depths of the truth.

If I didn't get to the surface soon, I would suffocate.

"What did I ever do to you?" he yelled more quietly, since he wasn't that far back from me.

"You wouldn't go away!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

I was jogging now. He was right beside me.

"I…I…" the truth was trying to come up from me again. But I couldn't run any faster.

"You…you…" he mimicked.

_I can't tell him! Don't tell him. It'll ruin everything…he'll hate me…he'll despise me. I'm disgusting…_

"I…" I was walking now.

"You…?"

"I have to sit down," I breathed as soon as I got to a bench.

And he, of course, sat down right next to me.

"Are you seriously that tired from just a couple blocks?" he asked me.

"I have bronchitis."

"Then why'd you run this far, idiot?!?" he asked.

"I would have only run out of the school, but you kept following me," I replied.

"What's wrong with you, man? Why did you just run off like

that?"

"Because…I don't know. I guess I'm just 'out of it' today."

I wouldn't let the truth surface itself.

I could tell from his face that he wanted to accept that as an excuse. He wanted to say that was good enough.

But he knew it wasn't the truth. He knew there was more than that, I think.

"Come on. No normal person just has crazy days like_ that_."

"You're right…I suppose a normal person wouldn't," I said, getting up and starting to walk away.

And he, of course, tried to follow me.

"Please…don't come any closer."

This time he stopped following me and turned around. I could hear his footsteps going in the other direction.

_Good. Just stay away from me. I don't care if you think I'm crazy, as long as you __**stay away from me**_

When I was walking home that day, the sunset was beautiful. Just beautiful. It kind of made me laugh a little bit. If I had told him how I felt when I was talking to him, that sunset would have been the perfect touch.

It made me laugh a lot. If he wasn't a boy, it would have been _perfect_. It was that ironic "Life's a Bitch" type of humor.

I laughed all the way home.

Once I got home, there was someone who had apparently been waiting for me.

"Yukiiiiiiiiii! Moon of my stars, sun of my sky, light to the-

"Hello, Ayame."

"Yuki? Why so solemn?" he asked.

"Is it that surprising?" Kyo asked from his place at the table, stuffing his mouth with rice.

"He has a point, Yuki. You've been even more boring than usual. Not at all to my entertainment," Shigure said, also at the table.

"Yes, I simply had to come when I heard my little flower wasn't smiling," Ayame said, still with that goofy smile on his face.

" 'my little flower wasn't smiling'? How does a flower smile?" I asked, obviously avoiding the real subject at hand.

"It matters not!" he exclaimed "Let us go for a walk!"

"I'll heat up your dinner when you return, Yuki-kun!" Tohru yelled from the kitchen.

"Thanks, Honda-san!" I replied.

I really didn't want to "go for a walk", especially since we practically live in the woods, but Ayame was basically yanking me out the door.

He took the clearest path there was and dragged me down it by the arm.

"What is it you want to talk about with me? More importantly, why did you come?"

"I'm partially here because Shigure tells me you've been reeeaally depressing lately, which hints that you've been depressed. Hence 'my little flower hasn't been smiling'. I must cheer you up! My other all-important reasoning regards the curse. Yuki-kun, you're at that age now where you'll want to start dating."

_Ugh…if only you knew __**who**__ I wanted to date…_

"Right…and?"

"Have you given any consideration to your sexual orientation?"

"Are you asking me if I'm…gay?"

_Am I __**that**__ easy to read?_

"No. I'm asking you if you've considered being gay."

"How can one 'consider' being gay?"

"I just want you to know that if you _were_ gay, I would be accepting. As always! And…I want to make sure that _you_ would be accepting of yourself."

"Um…thanks. I'm really not gay…but, isn't that just a little random?"

His face got serious, but he was still smiling.

"No. Not at all. I think it's relevant, in fact."

"Relevant to what, exactly?" I asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I believe _you_ know what, Yuki. Well, boy or girl, is there..anyone special you've been thinking about?"

"Yes…there is." I didn't know why I was telling him this. I guess I knew he had some sort of reason for questioning, other than curiosity. I wanted to see if he had a solution.

"Ah, I see…Well, I just wanted to tell you that the curse doesn't _have_ to hold you back. You _can_ get around it, if you were to be in a relationship with someone." He still wasn't using any specific gender roles…he hadn't believed me.

"I see…well, thank you."

"May I suggest…that you tell this person you have feelings of romanticism?"

I couldn't say anything. The thought sickened me.

"No matter!" he said, waving his hand, " Right now, we shall return and play joyous board games!"

"Board games?" _Does he think I'm five or something? _

"To put you in high spirits, of course!"

"I'm not in low spirits to begin with."

"Then we'll do it for some brotherly bonding!"

"Thanks, but-

He'd yanked me back to the house before I could say anything else.

And so, for the rest of the night we played board games. Well…after a little bit, I doped Kyo into playing Ayame so I could go to bed. But it was still a little fun.

"_No. Not at all. I think it's relevant, in fact." _

Ayame really is a mind-reader. But…am I really…gay? 

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Well, there we have it! I truly hope you enjoyed, and I truly hope you review! I worked on that for a couple hours out of pure boredom. That means I've listened to "Back to Black" 24 times…gah! Yours who must now go eat because she wrote right past lunchtime and is starving,

Psycho Sombrero.


	3. Chapter 3

Okay, pplz! My laptop's either dead or needs to be fixed, and I can't put slash documents on my family computer, but I figured it out. I submitted a nearly blank document onto my fanfic account, so now I can write it on here and erase our computer's history afterwards! And the house is EMPTY! IT'S PERFECT! BAHAHA! The only downside is that I can't tell how much I've written, so it might be a little short. So, more good news is that I have nothing to do today (until I _might_ be attending my friend's new years shindig tonight. gah, she hasn't told me for sure yet! the suspense of a possibly eventless new years eve is killing me!) and I'm probably looking towards a writing-filled day. I feel geeky for being on the computer this long, and,yet, I feel joyed at being able to write peacefully for so long.

I was going to make this the big romantic chapter, but it just didn't fit. Some of the character work in this chapter isn't great, but I did my best. (I'm still listening to "Back to Black" over and over...it's amazing that it hasn't driven me insane yet!)

And I also hope I'm not over-estimating Hanajima's psychic abilities, like so many annoying authors do. If I am, sorry, but the story just won't tie together without her. And this chapter kind of alternates from Yuki's perspective to third person back and forth. I just can't cover the whole story from Yuki's point of view.

I apologize for the incredibly long author's note...so, please R&R and please enjoy!

0000000000000Still Yuki(I really do love to torture him)000000000000000000

_WHOOSH!_

The train zoomed right past my face.

Just that one step.

If I had just taken that one step, I could've brought it all to an end.

It's not as if I was really going to jump. It's just...knowing that I _can_ jump makes me feel like I have some control. It gives me a sort of secure feeling, sick as it sounds.

I really have thought about ending it all before. I know I can't do it, though. There are at least a _few_ people it would hurt.Which makes me feel comforted and bound to this hell at the same time.

I know it's selfish, but sometimes...I almost take that step.

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CLASH!

Hannajima dropped her tray as something troubling ran through her mind. It was lunchtime, and they were at school.

"Hanna-chan, are you okay?" Tohru asked, rushing over to her and picking up her tray.

"Where is Sohma-kun?" Hannajima asked, completely avoiding her question.

"I guess he went home for lunch," Tohru said, bringing her tray up to the rack.

"To the perverted novelist?" Hanajima questioned as they walked back to the table.

"Eh...I suppose maybe he went to eat with Shigure."

"Relax, I'm sure Princey just wanted to eat with a few friends," Uotani said, stuffing her face with curry.

"Uo-chan, you should finish up. The bell's about to ring," Tohru commented, glancing at the clock.

"Yes...'Princey' had better return," Hanajima said, confusing Tohru and Arisa.

She usually cut people's "voices" out of her head, but her mind was still linked to her choice people. And for a moment, her line of connection with Yuki was nearly cut off.

She made a note of it not to cut out _his_ voice anymore.

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Conveniently, her next class was with Yuki.

She was slightly happy to see that he was still kickin'.

_His voice...it's crying so softly...It's trying not to be heard...trying so hard to stifle itself. It's yelling at itself, too...how very strange..._

Hanajima had listened to many people in her time, but rarely did she hear such a troubled voice.

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You know what it's like when you have a fight with someone, and you're just dreading that awkward moment when you have to see them again?

It was like that.

_I went completely nuts on Kakeru...he's either going to have questions or be mad at me. _

Both outcomes made my stomache churn.

I really couldn't stand being around Kakeru at all. That annoying part of me...it wanted him to know so bad. It was urging me to tell him...to take that risk, and just see what happens.

At this point, I _really_ didn't want to talk to anybody. Thinking about what Ayame said...it made me confused. I always thought I was strait, and when you find out that something that big and important about yourself may not be true...it's like you don't even know _yourself_. And then, when you try to cut everyone else out, you're left with a complete stranger.

I tried not to look depressed, I tried to seem okay, and yet I still worried people.

The worst part was that seeing Kakeru was inevitable. I couldn't just ditch student council meetings; that would be too obvious. Not to mention, that would make people worry even more.

It was like I was stuck in a corner.

I hardly payed attention to the meeting. It's easy to sputter out garbage about our budget and trips without giving it any real thought. All my real attention went to avoiding _him._

He hardly said anything or had anything to do with the meeting. He just stayed quiet and kept staring at me without any expression. Which made me _very_ self-concious. I thought he was going to say something to me after the meeting, but he left quietly. Usually he lingered, pleasently unsure of who he was taking a ride from or what he was doing for the next few hours...this time, he immediately went out of the room and out of the school.

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Kakeru pulled a crumpled not from his pocket, out behind the gym.

_Meet me behind the gymnasium, after school- Saki Hanajima._

_What does she want from me? _

"Hello, Kakeru."

He jumped up, startled, seeing as she had come out of nowhere.

"I, uh...got your note."

"I see that." she said looking at the piece of paper in his hand.

"Um..yeah...the thing is, you're cute and all, but the whole 'wave thing' kinda freaks me out," he said, nervously putting his hand behind his head.

"You _say_ that's the reason...no matter, I haven't arranged our meeting for such reasons. I just need to talk to you about Sohma-kun."

"Yuki? Do you want me to give him your number or something?" _That's fine...I just want him to be happy. He doesn't need to be happy with someone like me. _

"Nothing of the sort. His waves are very troubled, and I'm merely concerned for his well-being."

"Well, what do you want me to do about his 'waves'?"

"Waves are merely a way to read someone's feelings, Kakeru. I can read your waves, too," she said mischeviously,"I think...I think you're the only one who can help him. And I think you want what's best for him, as well."

Kakeru blushed slightly.

"He really admires that Honda chick...she seems like the sort of person who would 'help' someone with issues."

"She is a very loving person. But the care Honda-san gives Yuki is in little difference from the care she would give anyone. She can't tell him that she loves him in a significant way. She can hold him, Kakeru, but she can't _heal_ him. Only you can do that."

"Wh-why me? I'm not a caring loving person."

"It has nothing to do with being a certain sort of person. It only has to do with how you feel about Soma-kun. If I'm correct, you want him to be happy."

Kakeru looked down, his head leaning against the wall, as a tear slid down his cheek. He was so serious and completely out of context, it even shocked Hanajima a little bit.

"I...I do...I want him to be happy...I want to see him smile...so badly. I want to help him so badly, but I don't know how to help him."

"You just have to tell him what you think about him." In a way that wouldn't embarrass him, she was telling him to tell Yuki how he _felt _about him.

"H...how did you know about..." Kakeru asked.

"It's all in the waves, baby," she replied, still monotone,"So, Kakeru...will you **heal** him?"

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Ugh, that really was short! Well, I'm sorry, but like I said, I can't let my family read this stuff and it's once in a blue moon that I get the house to myself, so I really just have to post what I can post. Though, I should be able to update within the next month or so. Or even this wednesday if my stupid friends are still busy... The next chapter's our big romantic scene, so don't feel too depressed. Anyways, please review and maybe that'll "motivate" me to get some more done this week. (hint hint) Yours who must go eat because she wrote past lunchtime AGAIN,

Psycho Sombrero.


	4. Chapter 4

Happy '08, everyone! Just to be clear, the tracks Yuki so fondly visits are for trains that carry coal and stuff. Sry, I just thought about how if they were travelling trains, ppl in them would _see_ him thinking about jumping, and that would be very sloppy writing.

I'm very proud of myself for this chapter, so please don't be _too_ critical. And I wrote past lunchtime again...argh. I'm mostly writing because I don't want to go back to school tomorrow, and I'm trying to distract myself from those horrible facts...and a paper I have to write that I've put off 'till now.

Anyways, I think you'll like this chapter. I guess it's just because I'm the writer, but part of it really did almost put me in tears.

So please review, and, of course, please enjoy!

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**_Love forever, _**

**_love is free. _**

**_Let's turn forever, _**

**_you and me._**

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_I really don't like where this is going. _

Kakeru nervously ran to the train tracks, where Hanajima had told him to go. She didn't tell him Yuki would be there, but somehow he knew.

_Please don't be doing what I think you're doing. Don't give up...don't jump...I'm begging you!_

Sure enough, when Kakeru got there, there was Yuki standing in front of the tracks, just as an upcoming train was appearing.

Yuki could hear someone panting behind him.

_Oh, gawd, there's someone behind me. I didn't think anyone else came out here. How am I supposed to explain this?_

"No! Yuki, don't jump! Please!" Kakeru yelled.

Yuki turned around to see where the voice was coming from, and sighed when he saw Kakeru standing there. _No, not **him. **_

Before giving Yuki time to consider this, he sprang on him from the side, pinning him to the ground just as the train went by.

"Yuki...you almost...you were gonna..." Kakeru muttered, near tears, keeping Yuki down.

_Why is he about to cry? It's me...he's about to cry for me...I always hurt people._

Yuki thrust Kakeru's arms off of him, getting up off the ground. Kakeru sprang up right after him.

"I wasn't..." Yuki started, looking down.

"Yes, you were. You were standing right in front of that train.

"I wasn't really going to do it...I was just..."

"You were just 'thinking about it'?" Kakeru suggested, somewhat angrily, but still near tears.

Yuki nodded weakly.

"No one just 'thinks about it', Yuki! You can't...you can't...please," Kakeru whispered, quickly wiping his eyes as tears fell.

Yuki's POV

It nearly made my heart break to see him break down like that. Kakeru didn't cry...he didn't "get sad"...but here he was...and it was for _me. _He was doing it for me.

I felt ashamed when he saved me. You can't say it's not embarrassing for someone to see you trying to kill yourself.

I also felt really guilty. I was just causing the people around me even _more _worry.

At the same time, I started getting angry. Even though he'd tried to save me, it made me angry. Standing in front of that train was about all I had to stay sane at the time. I know it sounds sick, but I couldn't control anything else. I couldn't make myself feel happy, I couldn't stop the feelings I had for Kakeru, I couldn't stop feelings of sinking into an infinate pit of despair washing over me...I couldn't control any of it.

The only thing that helped me was knowing that I could stop it all if I wanted to. I could put an end to those feelings. That was the only control I felt like I had. It made me feel like I was _choosing _to have those feelings. Even though I couldn't really stop them, there was another option.

That one step was my other option. The fact that I rejected it each time I went to the tracks made me feel like my depression and despair was a personal decision.

And, then, for someone to come along and tell you that you _can't _have that control anymore...it made me feel like I was trapped in a corner. _Stuck_ with those fears and anxieties.

"Who the hell are you to say I can't?" I erupted at him "You have no idea what I'm going through right now, and I have the right put a damn end to it if I want to!"

"Yuki, you can get help if you're in a bad home situation or something! You just...this isn't help! You won't accomplish anything by doing this!"

"I'm not trying to 'accomplish' anything! Beleive it or not, I'm well aware that commiting suicide is not something you do to be productive!"

"Yuki...please...you just can't!" he yelled, still trying to hide his tears. I thought he would've erupted back at me by now, but he was just trying to convince me not to do it.

"Please don't talk to me anymore. Please...just leave me alone," I whispered.

"How am I supposed to keep quiet when I'm standing here, watching my best friend try to...to kill himself?" he asked quietly.

"Because _I'm_ standing over _here_, thinking about _you_ in a totally different way, Kakeru!" I yelled.

I was sinking again. I'd basically told him.

His eyes widened at what I'd said, and he stepped back a little.

_Great. It freaked him out. He'll hate me now. He'll think I'm **disgusting**. At least...at least now he'll stay away from me. _

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry...It's just...Why? Why do you have to care?" I asked him.

"'Why?' Why?!? Because if I had known you were hurting like this, I would have been hurting, too, Yuki! And if you were to cry, it would make me cry, too! And if you got hurt doing this, I would be hurt, too! And if you died-

"Stop! I'm not...I'm not worth it. I don't... deserve to be 'saved'..." I cut him off. I was almost near tears by now, too. I couldn't let him say it. I couldn't bear to hear him say it. _I would die, too. _

I could still hear Akito's harsh words. _The world is a dark, depressing place, Yuki. Don't misunderstand, Yuki. Don't think you'll be "saved". _

Then...he stepped closer to me. He cupped my cheek in his hand, making me look strait into his eyes.

"You are. You _are_ worth it, Yuki. You _do_ deserve it.You're worth _more_ than my time. If you weren't here, I would be miserable. I don't know what you've been told or what you mean to anyone else, but to me...you mean the _world_ to me, Yuki." he said, smiling warmly. His eyes were so much softer...just for that one moment. It wasn't like Kakeru at all...the whole thing was another Kakeru I've never seen before...is this what they mean when they say "showing you true self"?

I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. The funny thing is, they were happy tears. The kind you always see in cheesy romances.

I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Thank you...Thank you so much," I told him, breaking into more happy tears.

He brought my head up to his again. Our eyes met and...our lips touched. I never thought in a million years that he thought about me the same way I thought about him. It wasn't a long kiss, but he held me for a while. I think a couple more trains passed before we started walking back.

"Is it okay if I walk you home?" he asked me akwardly.

I nodded, smiling, unsure of what I would tell Shigure or the others, but not really caring much.

_Thank you for making me feel purposeful. Thank you for telling me that I deserve to be here...that to at least one person...I'm not worthless. To one person...I mean everything to that one person...Thank you for being that one person...Thank you so much..._

_I love you. I love you so much. _

"Hey, Yun-yun?" he said, as we left, returning to his usual self.

"Yeah?" I replied, still a little dazed.

"You know, when we...kissed?" he said, slightly awkwardly.

"Um...yeah..." I said, blushing a little bit. I think we were both a little embarrassed about it, but neither of us was trying to run away from it.

"You're foot popped," he said.

"Did not!"

"A liiiiiittle bit, it did!"

"What does this even have to do with anything?"

"Well, in movies and stuff, the _girl's_ foot always pops up. So, this means I'm the boyfriend and you're the girlfriend."

"I thought we were both the boyfriend."

"No, my Uncle Maurice is gay, and he says there's still a boyfriend and a girlfriend. So, I'm the boyfriend and you're the girlfriend!"

"I am not!"

"Well, I'm sure as hell not. I'm the _picture_ of masculinity!"

"You are not! And I'm NOT the girlfriend!"

"I don't make the rules, Yun-Yun."

It's not like the fact that I was standing by a train, thinking about jumping in front of it, wasn't an issue just because we kissed. He was still worried about me, and eventually he would make me tell him what was going on. But that day, there was too much happy in our air to deal with such things.

There are days in your life that you don't remember, because they blend in with all the other days. There's nothing** special** about them that makes them recollection-worthy.

But, I'll remember that day forever.

Because that was the last day I ever stood in front of the train tracks.


	5. Chapter 5

**So…I got some more of the manga for my personal enjoyment. I've mentioned the infamous 'other account' before, correct? Well, I wrote a lot of Inuyasha (embarrassingly enough), and for my beginning quotes, I always used Furuba lines. So, every time I read the manga I always start thinking "This is great…I should use this for my fic's beginning quote!" And, then I remember I'm actually writing for Fruits Basket and it would look kind of confusing…Anyway, I've decided to start using song quotes, incase anyone's wondering what my beginning words in italics are there for. I admit, they're not very relevant to the chapters. They're just random ones I like. **

I HAVE THE BESTEST NEWS IN THE WHOLE WORLD! I GOT MY LAPTOP FIXED! OH, YEEEAAAHHHH! I was so sure it had broke down forever…anyways, this means faster updates and a happier Psycho Sombrero. Now I can actually write comfortably…I promise the last two chapters would have been like ten times better if I didn't have to turn around every thirty seconds to make sure I was alone…Even better news is that I decided to lounge about the house and eat poptarts today instead of going to school (gives me a 4-day weekend, dontchya know!), so I have nothing better to do than write. Sry for the long author's note!

Anyways, please review and please enjoy!

_000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

_We live in a beautiful place… _

_Let love take away all the space._

_We live in a beautiful place…called home. _

_We wasted so many days. _

_Our hearts are as dark as the rain._

_We live in a beautiful place…called home. _

_000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

I don't think I'd ever been happier than when I came home that day. Even through dinner, I was still thinking about him.

It's a wonderful feeling to be in love with someone. Just holding that love is amazing by itself. But, when you find out they love you back…that you mean _anything_ to them…it's _beyond_ amazing.

Even through dinner that night, I kept thinking about it. I was hardly in the conversation. Ayame was still there, and he was the only one really carrying any conversation, so of course _he_ wouldn't notice he was sitting there, talking to himself.

Embarrassingly enough, I kept replaying Kakeru kissing me and holding me over and over in my head. It made me smile each time. Well…eventually I stared thinking maybe I_ was_ the girl. That's beside the point, though.

I don't know how many times I thought about it before it hit me.

He hugged me.

_Hugged_ me.

And I didn't turn into a rat.

Growing up as a child of the zodiac, I was led to believe I couldn't have close relationships like that with anyone. Like Ayame had said, I could work around it, but I couldn't embrace them or…y'know…

When I first realized I was gay, I have to admit, I felt like my masculinity had been reduced by some amount. But, I decided it hadn't when the first thing that popped into my head after I realized I could have close relationships with people was that I didn't have to die a virgin like most of the other members did. Not to be vulgar, but it's a bit depressing to think you literally _can't_…y'know.

Now, I can excuse Shigure's perverted-ness a bit. I mean, if you were that deprived your whole life, of course you'd be a little needy.

Vulgar thoughts aside, I was really overjoyed when I confirmed in my mind that I was gay. It's funny that I never thought about that before. It's a nice loophole. I could be with whoever I wanted, love who ever I wanted, but more importantly, I could be with the person I loved.

Little was left to bind me.

My chains had broke loose.

I was able to _be_ with someone.

I was _free._

I'm still wondering if Ayame really is a mind-reader, though………

"Yuki!" he yelled, snapping his fingers in front of my face.

"What?!?" I asked, suddenly coming back into reality.

"You're so dazed, little brother. Could something be wrong?" he asked, almost sounding concerned.

I smiled.

"No, nothing's wrong at all," I replied, laughing happily in my head at the irony of his assumption.

"Yes, Yuki seems to have gotten back the spring in his step. Perhaps he's gotten a new romantic interest…" Shigure said slyly, drinking his tea.

My eyes widened and I _really_ snapped back into reality. I hadn't told anyone, of course. I wondered if he was just kidding…could he know somehow?

"Ah, I see! Well, then, off we go!" Ayame said, getting up and grabbing my arm, as to pull me outside again.

"What do you see?!? What did I say?" I asked, very confused.

"Why, Yuki! You were speaking to me in our secret language that only siblings such as ourselves share with eachother!" he replied, yanking me through the door.

"You were talking to _Shigure_! And I wasn't speaking in any 'secret- he had already pulled me onto the porch, sitting next to him.

"What are you pulling me outside again for?" I asked, very irritated at his lack of an explanation.

"Because you have something you want to tell me, of course!" he said, annoyingly.

"I have nothing to tell you! Don't go assuming things…" I replied, getting very annoyed.

"Oh, but, something tells me you do!" he replied, pulling his hair behind his ear, as if waiting for an answer. He sighed after I stayed silent for a total of thirty seconds.

"Okay, okay, let me tell you what you need to tell me," he said. I rolled my eyes at his conceit in his abilities. "You told a certain someone that you liiiiked them, just as I suggested!"

"Shigure was just messing around. I haven't done anything like that," I lied.

"Yes, you did. You've been mopey for weeks, and suddenly you're happy and 'out of it'. There's only one reasonable explanation! You've got a girlfriend!"

I wondered if he even remembered accusing me of being gay the night before.

"I don't have a girlfriend." Technically, I was telling the truth.

He frowned.

"Surely you'd want to tell me about your new girlfriend, Yuki! Our brotherly-bond must be at least to that point by now!"

"Ignoring your further assumptions, I don't have a girlfriend."

He shook my shoulders, making things much more dramatic than they needed to be. He bothered me about if for a few more minutes, all the while shaking my shoulders as I tried to ignore him.

"Come ooooonnnnn! Tell meeee! Why don't you want to tell me about you're girlfriend?"

"Because…" I started, then abruptly stopped myself. Why am I always telling people things they don't need to hear?

"Because?" he edged on, waving his hand. I wanted him to stop annoying me so much, I couldn't stop myself from saying it…it just came out.

"Because it's not a _girl_!"

I covered my mouth right after saying it. My heart was pounding so hard…What if he told Shigure? My gawd, if he told _Shigure_, then everyone would know!

"I _knew_ it!" he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at me. I felt like curling up and dieing at that very moment.

"Well, does your brother have some intuition or what?!?" he asked joyfully, jabbing me in the side.

"Um…you're okay with it, then?" I asked, nervously.

"Why, Yuki! Would someone as liberal myself be so judgmental as to _not_ be okay with it? Of course I am!" he said happily.

"Soooooo, what's _his_ name?" he asked, and to my surprise, not laughing.

I contemplated whether to tell him or not for a moment. I was pretty sure Kakeru wasn't willing to be open about it with the general public yet.

"We're not…telling people at the moment," I replied, looking down a bit.

His face got serious.

"Are you ashamed of him?"

"No…I don't think he wants to tell people yet, either…we're just…" I tried to think of a good explanation, but no matter how you look at it, I was ashamed. Not of _him_, but…

"Ashamed of being gay?" he tried with an eyebrow arched.

I nodded a little bit.

"I see…well, you should be happy, Yuki."

"Why?" I asked, even though I knew the answer.

"Because, even though it sounds funny, you've been blessed, Yuki."

I just stared at him for a moment.

"Don't you see? You're _free_."

I didn't know it yet, but Ayame's words were about something bigger than a comforting reminder for his little brother.

Something _much_ bigger.

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(hides face in shame) I'm sorry! I know that wasn't a very good chapter…I'm sorry! (I have high expectations towards myself) I guess I should re-do it, but I just can't. In the words of Calculon, "No, no. I don't _do_ 'two takes'! _Amateur _actors do 'two takes'! _I_ do one take." That's kind of what writing's like for me…I can't face the shame of re-doing a chapter. It just has to stay as it is.

As an interesting side-note (yes, I know, my author's notes are long enough as it is.), when Kakeru was first introduced, I really thought something similar to what I'm writing about was going to happen. I mean, _basically_ what's going to happen with my story. Who knows, though? Maybe it still will… Anyways, yours who is happy playing hooky for the day but bored enough to write another chapter,

Psycho Sombrero.


	6. Chapter 6

**Okay, guys, I'm just super sorry I haven't been updating. Usually, I think of plot for my fic when I'm bored. But, recently, me and a friend have started a manga series (she's drawing it, I'm writing it) and I've been using that precious time (when I'm bored. Usually in English class.) that I usually use to think of ideas for this fic, to think of ideas for THAT series. I love this fic, but I can't POSSIBLY explain the joy of writing my OWN manga series! With my own characters and everything…I have COMPLETE CONTROL! BWAHAHA! **

**Mmm, I feel weird about using Machi. (believe it or not, I'm actually a pretty big YukixMachi fan) I've decided that the only reasonable option is to pair her off with someone by the end of the fic. I guess it's obvious who, but… **

**So, I'm sorry if updates are taking a while. I just got back from a trip me and my folks went on. Also, I've been watching Death Note eps online, and they're so addicting! I would suggest this anime, btw. (anime-media dot com) **

**So, I'll try to write a good chapter. Please review and, of course, please enjoy! **

_**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**_

"_**Do you see the truth? **_

_**Through all their lies? **_

_**Do you see the world…**_

_**Through troubled eyes?" **_

_**-James Blunt.**_

_**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**_

I was right about Kakeru wanting to keep our relationship a secret. Actually, I don't think we even really debated it. I mean, pretty much everyone in our school is strait. "Coming out" wasn't much of an option.

Not to mention the fanclub…who knows? Maybe we would've been open about it if it weren't for the crazy fanclub. It's hard to tell when all your reasons are clumped together…

Well, even if we both wanted to keep it a secret, Kakeru's still Kakeru. Of course, _he'd_ want to do something "exciting and risky".

"Kimi thinks we need to repaint the meeting room!" Kimi was saying one day in our student council meeting.

"Eh…this is a classroom when we aren't using it, Kimi," I pointed out.

"A pink classroom would be fun!" she insisted.

"We're not painting it pink! That would be vandalism," Nao argued.

"We should paint it **electric blue**! That would be sweet!" Kakeru suggested.

"We can't paint it ANYTHING!" Nao shouted.

"But, electric blue would be super fun, too!" Kimi said, completely ignoring Nao.

"What color do you want to paint it, Machi?" Kakeru asked, trying to encourage his sister.

"…red…" she answered, surprising us all a bit.

"We can't paint the meeting room," I said, trying to bring them all back to reality. They had even swept Machi up with it…

"Let's take a vote!" Kimi suggested, "All in favor of painting the room!"

Three hands went up. You can guess which ones.

"You're out-ruled, Yun-Yun!" Kimi exclaimed excitedly.

"I'm the president. I out-rule all of you," I said, trying to get onto a real topic.

"That's right! All bow to **Queen** Yun-Yun!" Kakeru exclaimed. I knew he had just been waiting forever to find the chance to make a joke like that…

"That's enough, Kakeru. Well, we're out of time. Meeting next Wednesday, okay?" I said, getting up.

Everyone got up as soon as I did, as always, hurrying out to do whatever it is normal kids do after school.

Kakeru was hanging around longer than usual again. He was staring longingly at the copier for some reason…

"Kakeru, don't make copies of your butt with it," I said, already knowing why.

"You know me so well, dearest Yun-Yun…" he said, ripping his gaze away from the copier. "Hey, um…about what happened yesterday…you're gay, then, right?"

"Um…yeah…" I answered, looking away a little.

"I knew it!" he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at me.

_Why is that how everyone reacts?_

"Well…we're going out, then, right?" he asked, lowering his finger.

"If…if you want to be," I answered shyly.

"Excellent!" he said, immediately putting his arms around my waist.

"What are you doing?" I asked stupidly.

"If I'm your boyfriend, then I get to hold you," he said sweetly, resting his head on top of mine.

"Okay…" I said, relaxing back against him. I don't think I'd ever actually been in that close contact with anyone. Not in _that_ way, anyway.

"Okay, then. I want to see your house!" he said, pulling away then, jumping up and down excitedly.

"What? Where did that come from?" I asked. _How did he go from confirming our relationship to wanting to see my home? _

"Because I've never seen it before, and if we're going out, I want to see it!" he said defensively.

"I don't think you want to meet my family…" I said skeptically.

"Yes, I do! Yes, I do! It's not like I'm going to _tell_ them we're going out…you're just having a friend over for dinner! Totally legit.!" he said longingly.

"No, seriously, you don't want to meet them. We're not exactly a 'traditional' family," I begged him. I knew there was no stopping him once his mind was completely set on something…I was hoping he wasn't completely set on this.

"Come oooonnnnn! Don't you want me to meet them?" he pleaded.

"No…not really…" I answered frankly.

"Fine, then," he said, crossing his arms, "If you won't cordially invite me, I'm going to follow you home and tell them I'm your _boy-toy_!"

My eyes widened in horror. _What if this gets to the main-house? What would Akito do if he knew I wasn't like the rest of them? _

"You wouldn't…" I said, hoping he would say he was bluffing.

"You _know_ I would," he said, threateningly.

"Fine," I sighed. I didn't really have any choice. "But it has to look legitimate!"

"Of course! Like I said, you're just having a friend over for dinner," he said, happy that he had won.

"Let's go…" I said, beckoning him outside the door.

"Yay! I promise I'll be good!" he exclaimed, following me.

It was a damn long walk home.

"So, Yun-Yun…who do you live with? I mean, I know that it's not your parents, but…" he asked, not finishing the sentence.

"I live with my cousins, Shigure and Kyo, and…" That was when it hit me. I hadn't ever actually told him that Tohru was living with us.

"And…?"

"And…Tohru Honda," I replied, uneasily.

Kakeru abruptly gasped, stopping in his tracks.

"YOU'RE LIVING WITH A _WOMAN_!" he shouted, pointing an accusing finger at me.

"It's not like _that_," I said, wondering how _he_, of all people, could think it was that sort of relationship.

"Then what exactly _is_ it, Yun-Yun?!?" he asked frantically.

(A.N.: I'm aware that in the manga Kakeru's girlfriend's parent was the other person in the car crash, but seeing as he's obviously not dating a _girl_ in this fic, he has no knowledge. Sorry for the author's note, I had to make that clear, though. I hate having to put these things in the middle, 'cuz I know it's kinda disruptive to the story…sorry. Back to the story, now.)

"Her mother died in a car crash a few years ago. She was camping out in a tent near where we live, and her "house" was destroyed. She didn't have anywhere else to go, so she's living with us until she's done with high school," I explained.

"Hee hee… That girl's not the brightest bulb in the box…she might be living with you longer than you think…" he said, laughing.

"Come on, she's not _that_ dense," I said defensively.

"Whatever you say, Yun-Yun…" he replied.

We didn't say much for the rest of the way home.

"I'm hoooome!" I yelled, dropping my backpack to the ground, when we finally arrived home.

"Man, you guys live out in the boonies. That took forever to get here!" Kakeru exclaimed, taking in the front room.

"Is that your giiiirrrrlfriend, Yuki?!?" Shigure yelled a couple rooms away.

"You're getting warmer…" Kakeru whispered, giggling. To this day, I've never understood it, but I think he still thought gay people were funny, even though he actually _was_ one.

"No, I brought a buddy from student council over for dinner!" I yelled back.

"Is it a giiiirrrrl buddy from student council, Yuki?!?" he persisted.

"No, its just Kakeru!" I yelled back again.

"I want to meet him!" I heard a familiar voice yell, as running foot steps grew nearer.

You guessed it.

"So it's _Kakeru_?!? I approve, I _highly_ approve!" Ayame exclaimed when he reached us.

"Oh, my gawd!!!!! You didn't tell me this guy was gonna be here!!!" Kakeru said excitedly, jumping up and down.

"Yes, yes, he's perfect, Yuki!" Ayame said happily.

"Eh…perfect for _what_? Are you guys part of a cult and I'm just here because you need a human sacrifice?" Kakeru asked, not at all jokingly.

"No, no, we're not _that_ creepy. I thought you were Yuki's 'special friend'?" he said, questioningly.

It didn't occur to me until later that we would've been in a lot of trouble if I had brought home someone who _wasn't_ my "special friend".

"Yun-yun! Are you telling people I'm _easy_?" Kakeru asked accusingly.

"I didn't tell him, or anyone else, anything like _that_," I replied.

"So he _knows_, then?" Kakeru questioned.

"Yes, I know! But I'm sure dearest Yuki hasn't told anyone else…" Ayame said, probably remembering how I had told him before that we were keeping it quiet.

"Well, then…" Kakeru said, "Yun-Yun and I are engaged!"

"Oh, my gawd!" Ayame yelled, jumping up and down, "I _have_ to design your wedding dress!"

"We're not getting married!" I said defiantely, "And I wouldn't wear a wedding dress…"

"Hee hee. Hey, Ayame? It would be appreciated if you didn't say anything to Yun-Yun's other family about 'us'…" Kakeru said, probably remembering that they both went to the same school as us.

"Of course, of course," Ayame replied, "Now, let us go enjoy the wondrous dinner Tohru-kun has prepared!"

We all went into the dining room, where Shigure, Kyo, and Honda-san were already eating.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Kyo asked, annoyedly, when we walked into the room.

"Which _one_?" I asked, sitting down.

"Eh…um…nice to see you, Manabe-san! You, too, Yuki-kun!" Tohru said, handing him a plate and trying to break the ice.

"Nice to see you, too, Honda-san," I replied.

Dinner went by, Ayame and Kakeru bantering about random and pretty senseless topics.

"Um…would anyone like some desert?" Tohru asked when she noticed we were all finished eating, "I made cake…"

"Let me help you, Tohru-kun," Shigure said, getting up and heading towards the kitchen.

I later learned, after it was already too late, that he hadn't done this because he was feeling "generous".

"Oh, thank you, Shigure-san!" she said, following him into the kitchen.

They came back out, Tohru carrying a pan with cake in it, Shigure holding a stack of plates.

"AAAHHHH!" Tohru tripped over something, toppling over me , the cake landing upside down on Kyo's lap.

"Hey!" he yelled.

"Oh! I-I'm sorry, Kyo-kun!" she exclaimed.

I wonder if it was I or Kakeru who noticed first.

"Yun-Yun!" Kakeru yelled, panic-stricken, from across the table "Wh-wha-what happened to you?!?"

I don't blame him for being freaked out.

Tohru had accidentally hugged me in the process of tripping, and I was sitting there in my rat form.

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**Yay! I'm done! I'm horribly sorry that it took me so long to finish! Like I said, I've been working on my manga series, so…oh, my gawd-- "**_**My**_** manga series"… I love the way that sounds! Anyways, I've also been reading my new Godchild volumes. Some shocking things have been revealed… On the seventh volume now…wow, this is the first time I'll actually finish an entire manga series. I HIGHLY recommend Godchild to any gothic fans out there, by the way. So, anyways, I'm sorry it took so long for me to update, and I hope you enjoyed. And also that that was a good cliffhanger, because I want you to keep reading. **

**So, I wuv you all, thanks for reading! (& srry about the long authors note). Yours who is just way overly-stressed right now, **

**Psycho Sombrero. **


	7. Chapter 7

**I want everyone who reads this in the future to keep in mind that I, the author, only have read up to the 18****th**** volume at this point—therefore, some of my info may not be correct. Just try to roll with it, though, kay? **

**Wow…chapter 7 already! I don't know if I mentioned this in the before, but I hadn't planned for this to be a very long story. I was thinking maybe like…12 drama-filled chapters. But seeing as I haven't packed much drama in, it might go to…maybe twenty chapters? **

**Hey, sometimes when I read a really/semi-old story, I see the A.N.'s at the beginning and I think "Man, she was waaayyy off!" Are any of you thinking that right now? (after this A.N. has become a very old one) And if you are, isn't that kinda cool that I guessed it? **

**So, without further meaningless banter, I'll give you chapter 7. **

_**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**_

_**I had no meaning in this old big world. **_

_**Can't you tell? **_

_**You've lost a lonely girl. **_

_**I was happy for a day, **_

_**I'd risk it all, **_

'_**Cuz when I'm with you, **_

_**I'm not afraid to fall. **_

_**And if you left me, **_

_**And if you'd leave me, **_

_**I would still cherish all our memories! **_

_**-Cassie Steele. **_

_**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**_

_Recap: _

_They came back out, Tohru carrying a pan with cake in it, Shigure holding a stack of plates._

"_AAAHHHH!" Tohru tripped over something, toppling over me , the cake landing upside down on Kyo's lap. _

"_Hey!" he yelled. _

"_Oh! I-I'm sorry, Kyo-kun!" she exclaimed. _

_I wonder if it was I or Kakeru who noticed first. _

"_Yun-Yun!" Kakeru yelled, panic-stricken, from across the table "Wh-wha-what happened to you?!?" _

_I don't blame him for being freaked out. _

Tohru had accidentally hugged me in the process of tripping, and I was sitting there in my rat form.

_**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**_

"Y-yuki?!? Wh-what happened to you?!?" Kakeru asked, backing away, then suddenly pointing at Tohru, he cried out, "WITCH! YOU TURNED YUKI INTO A RAT! _WITCH!!!_"

I almost laughed. He thought there was something wrong with _her_!

Tohru turned red. She obviously had no idea what to do…

"N-no! I wouldn't…I mean, he's not… _I'm_ not…" she then suddenly fainted. I think trying to figure out whether to defend herself or take the blame was too much for her to handle.

"Call Hatori," Ayame said simply.

"What, so we're going to erase it just like that? There's no entertaining debate like there was with Tohru-kun?" Shigure asked playfully.

"Hatori's our closest connection to you-know-who, who would have the final say in the matter. Whether we erase everything or not, he'd have to be the one to talk to 'him'," Ayame said, sounding surprisingly logical.

"I was going to make Tori-san come down for a visit, anyway," Shigure said, not sounding worried at all, and walking into the kitchen to get the phone.

"…I'm not dealing with this guy. Hatori's just going to erase everything, anyway," Kyo said, picking up the unconscious Tohru and also walking out of the room.

"Erase _what?!?_ What's going on?!?" Kakeru asked anxiously.

The thought to run--or rather, scamper--out of the room before I changed back to my human form ran across my mind, but I forgot through all the commotion. So, I changed back right there.

"Not that I mind…" he said, afterward, causing me to blush. I don't think I've ever gotten my clothes back on faster than I did at that moment…

"Seriously, someone tell me what's going on!!!" Kakeru exclaimed, "Is Tohru a witch and you did something to piss her off, Yun-Yun? I'VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I'VE TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES: NEVER PISS OFF A MAGICAL CHICK!!!!"

"Tohru's not a witch," I said simply.

"He's right, there's nothing magical at all about that dull girl…" Ayame said, being surprisingly quiet, "Well, I'm off to greet Tori-san! Yuki, you can tell him whatever you want to. Kyo's most likely right," he finished, walking out of the room.

"That was completely out of character for him…" Kakeru observed.

"Yeah…" I agreed.

"Hey, Yuki?" he asked, sounding less worried.

"What?" I replied, thinking he wanted to know what the hell was going on.

"You're not as scrawny you look when you have your clothes on," he said, staring at me from across the table, smiling a little. I hadn't even realized that I hadn't put my shirt back on yet…

"Are you even curious as to why I just turned into a rat?" I asked, wondering why he wasn't asking me a million questions like I was sure he would've…

"I am, but if it's something you don't want me to know, you don't have to tell me."

I think it's because he made it sound like whatever reason I had for turning into a rat wasn't a big deal, that I decided to tell him everything. For a minute, I thought maybe it wasn't such a bizarre secret. But then…

"Yuki…were you like dropped in the sewer when you were a baby, and that turned you into a rat/boy mutant? And, if so, were you originally a rat, a boy, or other?" he asked, so casually.

"No, I wasn't dropped into any toxic waste and I'm not a mutant," I replied, then thinking that perhaps it _was_ a bizarre secret if he was comparing me with a rat/boy mutant.

Nevertheless, I wanted to tell him _everything_ about the curse. And I did. Maybe I felt like he deserved an explanation after all that. Maybe I felt like if I told him, it would relieve some pressure, the same way telling him about my parents and Akito did. Maybe I thought Hatori was going to erase his memory for sure and it didn't matter what I told him. Whatever my reasons were, I told him. And it made me happy to tell him.

"Oh, wow. Y'all are even more fucked up than _my_ family…" he said, still sounding so nonchalant, and sparking my curiosity a little bit. I didn't feel like it was my place to ask, though. I had only told him about the curse. If he thought _that_ was "fucked up", I wondered what he would have to say about the _rest_ of the family drama.

"_Yes, Yuki-kun transformed right in front of him……well, it won't __**be**__ a problem if you erase his memory, or if he keeps his trap shut……Get over here, __**then **__go back and talk to Akito...okay, just hurry up, Tori,"_ Shigure was saying from the kitchen.

"Yun-Yun…I don't…I don't _care_ that you're like this. I know you guys probably want to keep this a secret, and I can see why, but…please don't erase my memories of you! I don't want to forget **you**, Yuki! I don't want to forget about _us_! I want to know about everything…I still want to know why you almost…" he choked on his words, undoubtedly remembering me standing in front of the train.

"**I want to help you!"** he exclaimed determinedly, tears streaming down his face.

"Kakeru…" I said, gently embracing him, letting him rest his head on my shoulder.

I thought back to the day when we were in front of the tracks, and he held me as I wept. Even though it was happy crying, I was glad I could return the favor to some extent.

**00000000000000000****(Not Yuki's view)****000000000000000000**

"Tohru? Tohru, are you okay? You passed out, and…" Kyo said her, kneeling beside her bed.

She suddenly sprang up, causing the wet towel that had been placed on her forehead to fall off.

"Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to pass out! Did you carry me all the way up here?!? Is Kakeru still downstairs?!? Oh, no, he saw Yuki change! AH! It was all my fault! I tripped, and… I'm sorry about that, too, I didn't mean to hug Yuki-kun, I was just—

Kyo put his hand over her mouth, only looking slightly annoyed.

"It's okay. It was an accident; it wasn't your fault," he said, smiling.

Tohru blushed and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thank you for putting up with me," she said softly to him.

_Hmmph! She thinks she's a __**burden**__ to me. _

"Baaka, you're not something I have to 'put up with'," he said, gently placing his hand on her shoulder.

"You're very kind, Kyo-kun," she said, smiling, and causing him to blush. "Ah! What about Kakeru?!? Is he still down there?!? Did someone tell him?!? Is Hatori going to—

Kyo placed his hand over her mouth again, knowing she would go on forever if he didn't stop her.

"Hatori's on his way; I suppose to get his own say on whether Kakeru can be trusted or not—probably not—and we won't know until Akito gives the final say on what's going to be done," Kyo explained slowly.

"Hee hee!" Tohru giggled.

"What's so funny?" Kyo asked.

"You used a lot of really smart words just now, Kyo-kun!" she said, still giggling a little.

"I did not!—hey! Are you implying that I don't normally use smart words?"

" 'implying' is a smart word, too, Kyo-kun…" she said, giggling a little.

"Oh? Do you like it when I use smart words?" he said softly, as he smiled, coming closer to her (without hugging, of course).

"Maybe I do…" she said, kissing him softly.

_Acceptance…is a __**happy**__ feeling. _

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

_Oh, what's this? How intriguing…Yuki-kun and another boy. I'll give the two a warning and pretend I saw nothing…_

_Yuki…I was wrong about you not being entertaining __**at all**_

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

"Okay, Tori-san, I'll see you soon," Shigure said loudly, as he banged the phone against the receiver.

I immediately moved away from the embrace we had been locked in and Kakeru tried to clean his face up. I didn't have enough time to put my shirt back on…

"Kakeru, I'm afraid you can't go home tonight," Shigure said, emerging from the kitchen, "I'm sure Yuki's already told you what you think it the entire story. Hatori's coming tomorrow, but that's not to say he'll definitely erase your memory…In any case, we can't let you out of our sight for the time being. You can call home to tell your parents you're staying at a friend's house, but nothing about what you've seen."

"Okay, I understand," Kakeru said, nodding, as Shigure turned to leave the room.

"Oh, Yuki. Put some clothes on," he said, snickering.

"Hey! It's not like I'm naked!" I said defensively. _It' s just my shirt. _

"M'yes, Yun-Yun, for all our sakes," Kakeru replied.

"You _say_ that's what you want…" Shigure said leaving the room.

Kakeru looked over at me, surprised.

"Does he know something?" Kakeru asked worriedly.

"No…That damn dog just likes screwing around with everyone's head," I replied bitterly.

"So…Shigure turns into a dog, then?" Kakeru questioned.

"Yeah. And Ayame turns into a snake," I replied. _How fitting for him. _

"What about Kyo? Or is he even possessed?"

"Kyo turns into a cat…you may have noticed phrases 'damn rat' and 'stupid cat' thrown around a lot…" I replied.

"I was always wondering about that…" he said, most likely reminiscing of our careless dialogue in the past.

"Is this…is all this 'zodiac curse' stuff why you were gonna…" he started, once again choking on his words.

"I…" I still couldn't answer a question like that. I had told him about nearly everything that had happened to me. But I couldn't possibly explain the despair that had made me think about…

"I just…I can't help it, I want to know why…" he said sadly.

"It's not that I was really going to jump…" I tried to say, "It was just…knowing that I _could_ jump made me feel better."

"About _what_?"

At that moment, I realized that there was a lot of stuff I hadn't told him. Just bits and pieces, but so man that it had accumulated to a lot.

"Hey, you there? I really want to know," he said, waving his hand in front of my face.

At that moment, I realized that just because he _wanted_ to know didn't mean he could handle it.

The very **essence** of my nightmares, the **_other_** presence that will always loom over my own inside me…he can't handle it.

I shook my head violently.

He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly, making me feel safe.

"Whatever it is, you don't have to bear it on your own. I'll bear it with you," he whispered to me.

And at _that_ moment, I realized that just because I already knew didn't mean _I_ could handle it.

**000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000**

**I am indeed creating another horrible secret for Yuki to hold within…he would've definately stepped in front of the train had he known someone like me was controlling his fate (I have a misery fetish, here). I know this is YukixKakeru, but Tohru and Kyo's relationship has purpose later in the story. That scene with them felt kind of epic for _Tohru_, though...but, hey, I bet she'd losen up a little if she had a man!**

**Well, I hope you're all damn happy I love my 3-day weekends so much and decided to skip school today, then got way too bored and wrote this thing. I wonder when my teachers will notice I'm only sick on Fridays…when there's homework due…hee hee. Although, I'm actually starting to feel sick…karma, perhaps? **

**Well, updates may take a while. I only have 6 days left this year before they'll hold me back for being absent too much, and I must use them wisely. Weekends are becoming busier for me, as well. Yours who is contemplating whether the big Yin-Yang of the spirit world is angry at her or not, **

**Psycho Sombrero. **


	8. Chapter 8

Okay, guys, the weather right now is just totally gloomy and rainy (even though I love it, I can't go out and do anything), so I've decided to update out of boredom. And I stupidly ran around in the rain earlier, so now I'm even sicker than I was before, which further immobilizes me. Also, I've been watching Gravitation, and somehow seeing Eiri inspires me to write…

Okay, I'm really squeamish about this chapter—whether I did it right, or it was too dramatic, or maybe I just piled way too much on Yuki's plate…I don't know, but this is the longest chapter I've ever written. And since Yuki's father has never even appeared in the manga, I think I'm free to fill that gap on my own.

Anyways, please review and please enjoy!

_000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

_Six feet underground. _

_How'd you like me now? _

_I have set my pain at ease. _

_Leave my heart alone. _

_With all my rotting bones. _

_So my soul may rest in peace. _

_-Cassie Steele. _

_000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

_Recap (various parts of chapter):_

"_Yes, Yuki-kun transformed right in front of him……well, it won't __**be**__ a problem if you erase his memory, or if he keeps his trap shut……Get over here, __**then **__go back and talk to Akito...okay, just hurry up, Tori," Shigure was saying from the kitchen. _

……………………………………………………………

_Nevertheless, I wanted to tell him everything about the curse. And I did._

"_Yun-Yun…I don't…I don't care that you're like this. I know you guys probably want to keep this a secret, and I can see why, but…please don't erase my memories of you! I don't want to forget __**you**__, Yuki! I don't want to forget about us! I want to know about everything…I still want to know why you almost…" he choked on his words, undoubtedly remembering me standing in front of the train. _

"_**I want to help you!"**__ he exclaimed determinedly, tears streaming down his face. _

………………………………………………………………………

_Oh, what's this? How intriguing…Yuki-kun and another boy._

_Yuki…I was wrong about you not being entertaining __**at all.**_

…………………………………………………………………__

"_Hey, you there? I really want to know," he said, waving his hand in front of my face. _

_At that moment, I realized that just because he wanted to know didn't mean he could handle it. _

_The very essence of my nightmares, the other presence that will always loom over my own inside me…he can't handle it. _

_I shook my head violently. _

_He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly, making me feel safe. _

"_Whatever it is, you don't have to bear it on your own. I'll bear it __**with**__ you," he whispered to me. _

_And at that moment, I realized that just because I already knew didn't mean __I__ could handle it._

_000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000_

Chapter Eight.

We all have things that we bury deep inside ourselves, and we're so determined that no one else will ever fine out—or rather, we set it as a top priority to make sure that no one will ever be able to find out. You keep it so deep down, that you convince yourself that any reason or circumstance for you to tell would never even come up. Usually it's something embarrassing like how you used to run to your parents room when you had a nightmare, or you slept with a stuffed animal until you were 12.

For me, it was my father.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

"Hey, Yun-Yun, what's this?" _Clunk!_ "Oh, and THIS? What does THIS do?!? Do you just twist this knob here and—whoops! Sorry, Yun-Yun!"

He'd let up on all the questions from earlier, and got onto a whole new set of interest.

"Is my room _really_ that interesting?" I asked annoyedly.

"Why, of course it is! I've never seen your bedroom before! And of course, you never tried to change that, mister slow-poke!" he said jokingly. I couldn't tell if he was being perverted or seriously complaining.

Kakeru was quite fascinated with my room for some reason, picking up random objects and dropping them abruptly as his interest would turn to something else. I always thought my room was rather dull, but I guess Kakeru takes interest in anything he hasn't seen before.

_THUD!_

"What are you two _doing_ up there?" Shigure called from downstairs, "I hear a lot of thudding noises being made!"

"Shutup, you stupid dog!" I yelled back.

"No, no, I _admire_ the 'creativity' I hear going on up there!" he called back, chuckling.

"I am not gay, dammit!" Kakeru called down. He'd just met us and already he was casually arguing with my family.

"Oooo, touchy, touchy! You could be a little nicer since we're so coolly allowing you to 'stay overnight'!"

"You told me I couldn't go home! This is your fault! And I am not doing THAT with another guy!" Kakeru yelled defensively.

"No, actually, it's Tohru's fault," Shigure said just because he knew it would cause a small uprise.

"Ah! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to— Tohru started in a panicking voice.

"Stop apologizing already!" a voice that was presumably Kyo's yelled.

"S-sorry!"

"Argh!"

"Yun-Yun?" Kakeru said, while the voices continued shouting amongst themselves downstairs.

"Huh?" I said, lying tiredly on my bed.

"I'm sorry I pushed so hard to come over…" the voices were continuously going on.

"It's _your_ loss," I said jokingly, "Hey, do you wanna call your folks and tell them you're not coming home tonight?"

"It's fine. My mom won't notice the difference," he said bitterly. I really didn't know what to say to that.

"Hey, do you guys have a backyard or anything?" he asked, becoming bored with the calculator he had been messing with.

"Sort of…" I replied, not sure whether the woods were considered a "backyard" or not.

"I wanna see, I wanna see!" he said excitedly.

"Fine," I agreed, just happy to get out of the house full of shouting people.

"And just where do you think you're going?" Shigure asked in a creepy voice.

"I wanna see your backyard!" Kakeru exclaimed.

"I'm afraid I can't allow that, Kakeru. If you go outside, someone might hear your screams, and we couldn't have that, now could we?" Shigure said, trying to hold back laughter from the scared look forming on Kakeru's face.

"Shigure, quit trying to scare him," I said annoyedly.

"Hehehe. Have fun in the 'backyard'," Shigure replied, snickering, then saying more quietly to Ayame, "Man, that one's easy to freak out."

"Hey, I heard that!" Kakeru said defensively.

I decided to drag him out before they started arguing again. I was surprised at how much Shigure annoyed him; I thought they would hit it off like him and Ayame had, but Kakeru became surprisingly Kyo-like every time Shigure spoke to him.

"This is our 'backyard'," I said, waving my hand towards the vast land of trees and plants in front of us that were visible from the back porch.

"Whoa…you guys own all this land?" he questioned looking over it all as the sun started setting. I wondered how he could tell how much there was when most of the view was cut off by a wall of trees; we had bought the land for the very reason that it was cut off from the outside world by the fortress of trees and plants.

"Yeah, we pretty much have to live somewhere that's cut off from the rest of the world," I answered glumly. His expression saddened. I think maybe that was when it hit him—that we couldn't live like everyone else; that we didn't have that freedom. He had reacted very calmly, almost too calmly, when he discovered the curse—most people would have been panicking—which meant it probably hadn't really sunk in.

The "bond" actually sounds sort of fun on the surface. In fact, looking in on it—rather than being trapped inside of it—it kinda seems like some rare _ability_. Yes, maybe from a certain angle, it seems like a _gift_.

When I was very small, I didn't understand the curse completely. I was kept away from the world, and primarily, away from girls. Anyone who wasn't in my immediate family. And all I knew was that I couldn't get close to Mama.

But, then, one day—I was three years old at the time—I saw Kagura laughing and being held in her mother's arms. I thought it seemed nice to be close to someone. So, the next time I saw my mother, I ran up and hugged her tightly. Of course, I transformed. My immediate reaction was that it was some amazing power, that it was a gift bestowed upon me—a _power_ to transform into a rat. I whined when I was told never to hug another girl again, because I thought it was really "neat", but I obeyed all the same.

Then, as I grew older—and Akito's harsh words _also_ convinced me otherwise—and I started wanting to play with other children, come to find I couldn't play with other girls, I realized it was definitely an inconvenience.

And, then as I got older and went into the later years of grade school, and saw a few "mature" boys and girls start pairing off and holding eachother closely and realized I could never be a part of that—I had immediately assumed I was strait at the time—I saw my "gift" for what it really was.

A curse.

I could assume that Kakeru was going through similar notions, but much faster since he was older than I had been. First just thinking it seemed cool, then seeing it as an inconvenience, then finally realizing that it separated us from everyone else. It made us "different".

"Hey, Yun-Yun?" he said, gazing off distantly into the starry sky.

"Yeah?" I replied, starting to realize that he never came right out and said things when they were _hard _things to be said. He always hesitated, as if making sure he used the right words—as if he was afraid he would say it wrong.

"You really lucked out, didn't you?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, anger rising in me, wondering if me assuming that he was beginning to understand the truth was completely wrong—wondering if he thought this _curse_ was actually a "lucky" thing, after all the consideration he had appeared to give it.

"Y'know, turning out _fruity_ and all," he said, showing not the slightest hint of laughter in his voice.

"Yeah, I guess so," I said, stepping off the porch and lying back-down in the grass.

He followed, lying down right next to me. Still, he never left me alone. Just days ago it had seemed _another _curse, and now…it was a very comforting thing.

He smiled a genuine smile and turned his head to face mine.

"I really lucked out, too, Yun-Yun," he said, putting his arm around me and pulling me closer. I blushed. He was a lot better at this romance stuff than I was…but what he said made me really happy.

"And that's why…I want to know why you're so lost," he said solemnly, looking me strait in the eyes.

"I've told you everything," I said, looking at his forehead so it would _appearj_that I was looking into his eyes.

"No…you haven't. I've been around you long enough to tell when you're lying, Yun-Yun," he said confidently but gently.

"I can't…tell you," I said, trying to push my secret deeper inside me. What he was saying scared me. I had convinced myself that what had happened so many years ago was something that wouldn't ever even have the _opportunity_ to be revealed. I didn't want anyone to know—I, _myself_, did not even want to know. I pushed it down so deep inside myself—as far away from my conscious, thinking self as it would go—and I didn't like that he was making it rise up

"You don't _want_ to tell me," he corrected, "because you think that if you keep it inside yourself it's just gonna go away. But it's not. You can't change the past, and it's going to be there no matter what. When you hold it in, it just boils inside you, and I'm afraid that if it _keeps_ on boiling, you're going to do something stupid."

He was being unusually serious again. It almost worried me.

"Yuki, I want to _help_ you!" he said determinedly.

He had called me Yuki. He only called me Yuki when he was really serious about something. Otherwise, it was "Yun-Yun".

He was so determined about "helping me". I don't think anyone had ever cared for me that way, except for Tohru. It was true that Tohru had shown me unconditional love, but…that was the thing. It was _unconditional_ love. It made me feel safe and happy that someone would love me no matter what, but…it wasn't because I was me. It had nothing to do with me, personally. Tohru would love anyone who needed to be loved.

When Tohru had found out about the curse, she had said she didn't care if her memory was erased, as long as she could still be friends with me. It had seemed like—and pretty much was—a caring thing to want to respect our privacy and still be friends.

But when Kakeru found out his memory may be erased, the first thing he said was that he wanted to keep his memory so he could help me…right off the bat, he wanted to help me.

There was no question about it. The care that Kakeru was showing me was genuine. It was because he cared about _me_. He wanted to help _me_.

"Just…promise me…you won't look at me any differently…after I tell you," I said, looking to the side.

"I promise," he said, "Yun-Yun, you could _kill_ a guy and I would never judge you."

This reassured me. He was right about it boiling. It had just been boiling inside me for years, just gnawing at me inside, driving me insane. If I had to tell someone for it to stop, it would be him.

"Okay…" I said, letting a relieved breath out.

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_Back when I was very young, my father was rarely around. My mother told me on the rare occasion that I saw her that he was at work. But even at a young age, I knew that the Sohmas were loaded as it was, and he didn't need to work._

_Then, one New Years Eve, in my last year of middle school, we all gathered at the Mainhouse's largest building. I was supposed to be at the Zodiac Member's special banquet, but I had secretly escaped. I rarely got a chance to see anyone other than Akito and the kids at school, which I usually felt secluded from anyway. _

_So, I joined the larger meal with the rest of the Sohmas. I had never noticed how many of them there were—the banquet was huge and crowded. It made me excited and a little scared to be around so many people at one time. But, then a few kids recognized be as "the rat" and I got afraid that someone might make me go back to the Zodiac banquet. I ran off to a room that was still in the Banquet building, but fairly secluded from where everyone else was. I would rather be alone that stuck at the Zodiac banquet, where I was even more reminded of being an outcast._

_It was a small room. There were no chairs, or tables, or anything. There didn't seem to be any use for it. _

"_Yuki-kun, my son!" a man that I assumed to be my father opened the door and came inside. _

"_Father?" I questioned the validness of his claim since I had barely ever seen him. _

"_Yes, Akito's been wondering where you are, son," he said, once again speaking as if he was my father. _

"_I'm sorry…" I said, knowing that I had been caught, "I'll go back to the zodiac banquet." _

"_What? You're not going anywhere, Yuki," he said, shutting the door and twisting the lock. _

"_F-father?" I said, inching back as my hands trembled._

_He inched closer to me, flashing a smile that I'll never forget. _

"_Don't speak, Yuki. You'll only make things worse for yourself," he said, coming a few feet closer to me. He was right up to me now. Being the stupid child I was, I thought he was going to hit me or something. It didn't occur to me what he was really doing until he started undoing my belt. _

"_N-no! I don't want this!" I cried out. _

"_Yuki…what __you__ want has nothing to do with this." _

"_Stop! Help!" I yelled, tears spilling from my eyes. _

"_The door's locked. No one can hear you, son," he said simply, once again reminding me that he was my father, and setting out to complete what he had held me down to do. _

_Afterwards, I cried. __My father.__ I kept thinking. __My own father…I'm disgusting…_

"_W-why?" I asked, as I sat sobbing, naked on the floor, knowing perfectly well that he knew what this would do to me. _

"_Because you deserved it," he said, smirking at me, "This was __your__ fault, Yuki."_

_It…was__ my__ fault…_

"_If you tell anyone about this, they'll only think you're disgusting. I sit on a very high perch in society; no one would even believe you. Now clean yourself up, and go apologize for missing the banquet." _

_He walked out of the room without saying another word. I sat there, as the words continuously ran through my head until they became the truth. __'You deserved it. This was __your__ fault.'_

_I did just as he had said, putting my regular face back on and pretending it hadn't happened. I tried to pretend forever that it hadn't happened—tried to even fool myself—but I couldn't forget. _

_That was why I transferred schools and left the Mainhouse after I completed middle school. I couldn't stand the thought of there being a possibility of my seeing him again. Of him __doing__ something again. _

_I always blamed myself for the incident, thought. I think it's obvious how being overpowered like that would make you feel weak and worthless. It made me feel dirty and disgusting—my own __father_

_But I lost a lot of faith in people after that. I didn't like the idea of trusting anyone. No one had ever cared about me, and then he did __that__ to me. I really was just a __tool_

_But what really made me untrusting was the fact that, on that nigh, he didn't smell of drugs. There was no alcohol on his breath. There was no look of lust in his eyes, or anger in him. _

_He didn't __want__ me, he wasn't just angry, he wasn't __drunk__ or __drugged__, or anything like that. _

_He just wanted to hurt me. _

_It was that that convinced me that purely evil people did indeed exist. _

_Someone who didn't even have any hatred towards me—my own __father__—had left such a mark on me; I was __worthless. _

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I didn't realize it at first, but there were tears running down my face when I finished telling Kakeru everything. I didn't realize this at first either, but when I finished, we were sitting up and he was holding me to his chest.

"What's wrong with me?!?" I asked, more to myself than to him.

"Nothing's wrong with you! Don't ever think that, Yuki! There was something wrong with that man, okay?!? Not you! It wasn't your fault!" he nearly shouted at me.

"What did I do?" I asked, once again mostly to myself rather than to him.

"You didn't do anything! It wasn't your fault!" he tried to convince me, "Stop feeling like that!" he commanded, stupidly.

"It's just…after that, I can't feel like I matter. I feel like I was just born defective," I said, clutching onto his shirt, once again without realizing it.

"You're not defective! I've told you before, I'll tell you a million times if that's what it takes for it to sink in: I don't care what you've been told or what you are to anyone else; I would die without you, Yuki!"

Suddenly, my tears stopped. I looked up at him, into his eyes and knew he was telling the truth.

His very existence depended upon mine…He was always making me feel like I mattered. No matter how unreasonable I was being with my twisted sense of logic, he made me feel like I wasn't worthless. Telling me I mean everything to him…

I pulled my head back a little.

"Why are you always doing that? Always making me feel like this?" I asked.

"Because…I love you, Yuki," he said, smiling genuinely down at me.

I suddenly sprang on him, holding his waist tightly, as my lips met his.

_Someone could know about __that__ and not think I'm disgusting. __Kakeru__ knows about that and he __loves__ me, __still_

As we lay there under the stars, kissing passionately, I thought of all the stars that lie above us. There were so many of them, all surrounding us.

I used to feel very small when I would look up at all the stars and see how much of the universe there was—how incredibly big it was, and how I was just…me.

But lying there, embracing him tightly…even while knowing all the rest of what there was out there and putting myself in comparison…I didn't feel so small anymore. I didn't feel like I was "_just_ me" anymore. I felt like "me" was a real person who was _worth_ something.

_Kakeru…I __love__ you, too. _

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Okay, guys, there it is! I hope that wasn't too bad…it's 1 am and usually I'm best at writing when I'm tired, because my guard shuts down, and sometimes that's good; sometimes it's bad. I hope it was good! And I hope my parents don't notice how late I go to my bedroom and start shouting at me. Yours who is ever so happy that she doesn't have to attend Church tomorrow and can therefore write as long as she likes,

Psycho Sombrero.

p.s. I'm thinking about starting a Gravitation fic. Would any of you be interested?


	9. Chapter 9

Hey, loads of love to my reviewers! You make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Even if you don't review, thanks for reading—but I must inform you that if you ARE reading without reviewing, I will hire an assassin to kill your favorite Furuba characters… (maybe I'm joking, maybe I'm nuts…)

I'm happy I've found a way to work Hatori in. I feel like I haven't found a lot of room for other characters—it's just been the main folks & student council. I'm writing more and more these days…I feel motivated. I wrote the awesome-est poem (I had to read aloud) for school and have since been known as "writer chick", so maybe I feel obligated to live up to my title.

Anyways, please review, and please enjoy!

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"_I liked you better when you __**smoked**__." _

_-The Warden, Holes. _

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_Recap: _

"Why are you always doing that? Always making me feel like this?" I asked.

"Because…I love you, Yuki," he said, smiling genuinely down at me.

I suddenly sprang on him, holding his waist tightly, as my lips met his.

_Someone could know about __that__ and not think I'm disgusting. __Kakeru__ knows about that and he __loves__ me, __still_

As we lay there under the stars, kissing passionately, I thought of all the stars that lie above us. There were so many of them, all surrounding us.

I used to feel very small when I would look up at all the stars and see how much of the universe there was—how incredibly big it was, and how I was just…me.

But lying there, embracing him tightly…even while knowing all the rest of what there was out there and putting myself in comparison…I didn't feel so small anymore. I didn't feel like I was "_just_ me" anymore. I felt like "me" was a real person who was _worth_ something.

_Kakeru…I __love__ you, too. _

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_God loved all the animals, and there were certain pacts he made with all of them—gifts he gave them, so they would ultimately be equal (excluding the cat, of course). _

_The rat, being the smallest of the animals and therefore the easiest to hunt, was promised wit, so that he would never be out-smarted by any of the animals. Because the cat was the animal most likely to chase the rat, God promised the rat that he would always—__**always**__—beat the cat. _

Yuki stirred in his bed, not yet awake enough to even see what was around him. All he remembered was that dream—that dream of an indiscernible voice telling him this story. At the moment, it seemed deep and meaningful. But, when he would really wake up, it would just be a story he would assume someone had told when he was young—as it always did. But, there, barely in the midst of his consciousness and sense of reality, there was a world full of possibilities from that story. A world that may or may not ever be opened to him when he really woke up, and the meaning of it faded away from him as the day went on.

_These gifts were given in exchange for the animals' loyalty. But, should these pacts be broken…what would happen?_

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"So, this boy saw Yuki transform?" Hatori asked from across the table.

"Yes, I already told you that," Shigure said annoyedly, sipping his tea.

"I'm fairly certain we'll have to erase his memory," Hatori said plainly.

"Why?" Shigure whined, "Things could get interesting…"

"Interesting? Do you **want** people to know about the curse?"

"The boy's not going to tell anybody," Shigure said confidently.

"What makes you so sure of that?" Hatori asked suspiciously, as he poured a pack of sugar into his coffee.

"He's trustworthy. I saw him carrying Yuki back into the house after he apparently passed out outside, last night," Shigure said slyly.

"What were they doing outside?" Hatori asked, as if suddenly waking up, "You _know_ he can't go anywhere until something's been decided."

"I've been _told_ he can't go anywhere," Shigure corrected, smirking, as he implied that his actions had nothing to do with you-know-who's orders, "Besides, he was just going into our so-called 'backyard'. What harm could he do?"

Hatori looked across the table at the man in front of him. Shigure wasn't a good man at all. He didn't care what happened to the people around him, as long as it was—as he often called it—"entertaining." It was as if nothing except "entertainment" mattered to him. But, of course, Hatori was always around him because of the curse. The unbreakable "bond" that they shared tied them together. And, then, was Shigure so wrong? Should Hatori even waste time thinking there was anything else left for them in life? Their existence was unnatural—pained and forced. They shouldn't be there, but they were.

Hatori's head was beginning to spin. He always drifted off into thoughts such as this. He would have been a philosophically questioning man, whether he had a demon inside him or not—it was even harder trying to contemplate the mysteries of the universe when you weren't even sure how you, yourself, could be in existence. Once Hatori had started thinking about things like that, though, when he was at least twelve or so, he had never really stopped. Nor had he ever found any answers to his inner questionings about the meaning of him, the curse, and life itself.

Except for the time he spent with **her**. He had never questioned his existence with her. **She** had been his reason for existence. There was no need to question anything. All his answers were in her gaze and her voice and mostly in her touch.

"Well, I'll tell you when the kid wakes up," Shigure said, tiredly leaning back against the wall, himself.

Hatori stood up and began walking, sparing any words or explanations.

He walked out the door and pulled out a pack of _Marlboros_.

Every time he started thinking about Shigure, about the universe, about the curse, his meaning in life, why he was there, why any of them were there, why it had all ceased to matter with Kanna then abruptly began to matter again—whenever he thought of Kanna at _all_—he only came to one conclusion.

_This is why I smoke. _

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_MMPH! _

The pillow directly and purposely wacked Yun-Yun's head.

"Wakey-waky!" Kakeru said, hitting Yuki repeatedly with the pillow.

"Wha…?" Yuki lifted his head up slightly, though the pillow wacking continued, "I'm _awake_, stop it!"

A shirt-less Kakeru sat next to Yuki in his bed with the covers pulled over his legs, repeatedly hitting Yuki with a pillow in order to wake him up.

As soon as Yuki looked over at Kakeru, and then at his own shirtless self, his mind immediately jumped to the dirtiest conclusion.

"What…did I—_we_ do last night?" he asked, looking confused with the sides of his hair sticking out.

"Yuki, how could you not remember?" Kakeru asked, pretending to be very hurt.

"We…?" Yuki stared with mixed feelings about the idea.

"Yun-Yun, how could you not remember stealing my precious innocence?!? I kept telling you no, but you just wouldn't listen!"

"I could've sworn I told you to sleep on the counch…" Yuki said, dumbfounded.

Kakeru began snickering, and got out of Yuki's bed, revealing an unexpected pair of pants on his legs.

"Yeah, I just wanted to see your reaction," he said, laughing.

Yuki threw the pillow at Kakeru's head, letting his own sleepy self fall back down onto his pillow. He was too tired to figure out what he did with whom.

"Oooo, touchy-touchy, Yun-Yun!" Kakeru said, "Just hurry up and get out of bed already!" he said, throwing the pillow back to the bed.

"What happened to your arm?" Yuki asked, looking at the line of scratches on the side of Kakeru's left arm.

"My cat got _really_ made at me yesterday," he said, snickering, and walking out of the room with his shirt in his hand.

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Hatori could remember back to a time when he never questioned anything. Though, he hadn't understood anything either. It was as if even though he didn't understand, he couldn't question, either. Like the rule written in the bible—never question God. Even though in the back of your mind, you may start thinking "This doesn't make any sense!", you won't allow yourself to think "What makes this guy so great?" because you're afraid of some unwritten consequences.

Hatori, until he was twelve years old, had never questioned his God.

_When Hatori Sohma was exactly eleven years, twelve months old, his father, Doctor Sohma, died of a heart-attack—on Hatori's twelfth birthday. _

_He was walking home from school with Shigure and Ayame, and found a woman he barely recognized waiting for him at the front gate. But, then, how many Sohma women—or men, for that matter—did he really know well enough to recognize?_

"_Hatori?" the woman looked at the three boys as they approached the gate, apparently not knowing who he was either._

"_Yes?" Hatori said, growing slightly curious as to why someone had been sent to speak to him. _

"_Your father's died of a heart attack," she stated plainly, not looking as if she cared about Dr. Sohma, or Hatori at hearing of his father's sudden death. _

_Hatori stood there, blankly, as she went back through the gate. _

"_Are you okay?" Ayame asked, not really knowing what to say or how to make it better. He enclosed his usual self that tended to annoy Hatori, since he didn't want to make him feel any worse. Especially since he was secretly, and somewhat guiltily, loving the drama._

"_I'm fine," Hatori stated plainly. _

"_Um…well, maybe we should leave you alone," Shigure said, dragging Ayame through the gate with him. Shigure had not been as inconsiderate at the age of twelve as he had grown to be. He had indeed been at an age where life had meaning, and there were at least a few possibilities lying ahead of him. His eyes even spoke, at rare times, of a certain innocence. _

_Hatori simply stood there for a few moments, looking up into the sky. _

_My father…is dead. Why am I not sad? My father was good to me. I should feel worse than this._

_He waited for the pain to hit him—for the idea of his father being dead to sink in. He thought, perhaps, maybe it would come to him unexpectedly, when the idea would really sink in—then he would be sad, wouldn't he? _

_His efforts at some emotion proved fruitless upon the day he heard of his father's death, upon seeing his father's no longer animated body being taken away, and upon the day he went to the funeral. _

_The sun was shining incredibly bright on the day of the funeral. He had imagined that it would be dark and gloomy, that the skies would be pouring down and mourning Dr. Sohma's departure, but…the skies seemed to be __**happy**__. They couldn't feel any difference since Hatori's father had died. _

_Hatori chuckled bitterly to himself. _

_Neither can I._

_The "sermon" was given by the same woman who had been the bearer of bad news at the gate days before. She spoke as if she had known Dr. Sohma very closely. As if she had felt something other than servitude for him—though, she was not so blunt in her speaking it, Hatori could plainly see that this woman had been Dr. Sohma's mistress. Hatori had a gift for deducting things like that—he had mused on the possibility, and then concluded it from the way she spoke and how she acted towards him. Of course she had been cold to him at the gate—he was proof of Dr. Sohma's "relations" with his __**wife**_

_Apparently, Dr. Sohma's wife hadn't noticed, though. She was quietly crying throughout the entire service. But, Hatori didn't really care that his father had cheated. _

_Hmm. Just another thing I can't feel._

_When the service was over, and most people had left, only Hatori and his mother remained among the pews (his father wanted to be cremated, so there was no service at the cemetery)._

"_Why aren't you crying?" His mother asked him, with tears running down her own cheeks. _

"_I…don't know," he replied, not hinting at any emotion whatsoever. _

"_What's __**wrong**__ with you? You're father is __**dead**__, and you haven't shed a single tear! Do you care?!? Do you even __**care**__ that he's dead, now?!?"_

"…_yes…" he replied, after a moment of hesitation. _

"_You're not __**normal**__! If I struck you across the face, would it leave a mark?!? If I put a knife to your skin, would you even bleed?!? Would you feel __**anything**__?" she was sobbing hysterically now, and ran out of the church. _

_In truth, the words she said did not come from within her, but from within her own sorrow and despair. With a heart attack, she couldn't put the blame on anyone, as she could have if it was a murder (she could blame the killer), or a disease (she could blame the doctors), but an unexpected heart attack? There was no one but the boy who shed no tears. _

_But her words probably affected Hatori more than anything in his entire life. _

_She's right. I don't __**feel**__ things like normal people do. Am I a phsychopath? Do I not have emotions?_

_Hatori walked home in the sunshine, as his mother had already driven off in the car. _

_He came home to an empty house. He walked strait to his room, no idea where his mother was, and not caring about that either. He tried to concentrate on his math homework to take his mind off things (he was actually very bad at math, so he knew it would take a lot of concentration). He began drawing a circle with his protractor, so he could find said circumference in a math problem. But the same words kept ringing over and over in his head. _

"_You're not **normal**! If I struck you across the face, would it leave a mark?!? If I put a knife to your skin, would you even bleed?!? Would you feel **anything**?" _

_**Would** I feel anything?  He wondered to himself. _

_He looked at the pointy end of his protractor._

_There's only one way to find out.  _

_He put the sharp point to the skin on his left arm, slowly making a small cut. As he watched the blood slowly ooze out, he realized something. _

_It…__**hurts.**_

_The pain that he had been waiting fruitlessly for had finally come, in a wave of hurtful relief. He could feel pain. Just like everyone else could. Anyone else in the zodiac, anyone else in the __**world**__—he could feel the same pain that they could. And for years, until he met Kanna, all he felt was pain. Both physical and emotional. It made him feel alive, it made him feel __**human**_

_But, then, once he met her, he felt an entirely different emotion. The walls he had subconsciously put up inside himself to keep from getting hurt were torn down, and upon the relieving destruction of these walls, Hatori felt something he had never felt before. _

_He had felt __**love**_

_And even when she was gone, he could still hold on to that love. And when she was leaving, he felt hurt. No matter how much it hurt, it gave Hatori faith. Faith that there was more to life than pain and suffering. And that he could feel those things. _

_And maybe someday, just __**maybe**__, he would feel them once again._

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Kakeru ran downstairs, still buttoning the upper half of his shirt, and immediately searched for an occupied room.

"Hey, I'm up! Where's that Hamori dude you guys kept talking about?"

" 'Hamori' is outside, having himself a cigarette. Go yell for him to come inside," Shigure said, lazily leaning back against the wall, unwilling to go call for him himself.

"M'kay," Kakeru said, running out the back door.

Shigure thought back to when Hatori had first started smoking.

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_It was a few days after Hatori had erased Kanna's memory and she had left her job. _

_Hatori was alone in his office, trying not to think about her. About what she had done for him, what she had made him feel…and about how now, she was gone from his life. _

_He looked at his left arm. Only a few scars remained. After he had met her, and seen that there was more to feel than just that pain, he had stopped mutilating himself. Why would he want to feel pain when he could feel love? _

_But now that she was gone…what else was left for him to feel? And the fact that he couldn't save her from Akito…that he couldn't do anything…it gave him another new emotion. When he did it this time, he did it not only to cure his numbness, but also as an act of self-loathing. _

_He looked around for a random object that would do. He chose an unused needle (he was in his office) and brought it down to his arm. _

"_Hatooorrriii!" Shigure came through the door, "I thought I'd come to cheer you up!" _

_Hatori panicked. He had, of course, never let on what he had been doing to himself for all those years. He knew it would only cause worry, or worse, someone would think he needed psychological help. The very idea of a shrink—of someone rummaging through his head and trying to figure out what was "wrong" with him sent shivers up his spine. He quickly rolled his sleeve down and shoved the needle in a random desk drawer._

"_Hey, you here?" Shigure asked, looking around. _

"_I'm back here. I was just going through some files," he said, as Shigure made his way to the back room, where most of the filework was indeed conveniently kept. _

"_Hatooorrriiii, your arm is bleeding," Shigure said, looking at Hatori's left sleeve, which had a blood stain gradually growing bigger. _

_Hatori couldn't think of an excuse quick enough. _

"_You're doing it again, aren't you?" Shigure asked, apparently knowing something, but not looking the least big sad or upset. _

"_What? Are you telling me you knew all this time?" Hatori asked, still not able to think of a reasonable excuse. _

"_Yeah, ever since we had to start changing for gym class, back in highschool. Anyhow, I didn't think it was any of my concern then," Shigure said nonchalantly, "I still don't really care, but should you decide to kill yourself, life would be horribly boring." _

_He tossed a pack of cigarettes at Hatori. _

"_What? I was never __**suicidal**__," Hatori questioned blankly. _

"_I'd rather you kill yourself slowly," Shigure said, ignoring his comment, and turning around, "That's all I came here for." _

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Originally, he had just wanted to get Hatori hooked so he could support his own habits. If Hatori smoked, he could get his own occasional cigarettes from him. And it seemed like the perfect opportunity—to replace one bad habit with another was a very easy thing to do when you found someone who was completely addicted.

And yet, it occasionally hurt even _Shigure_ that every time he found Hatori smoking, that could easily have been another mark on his arm, had he not intervened.

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Yuki came thumping down the stairs, as well.

"Where did Kakeru go?" he asked, as he approached Shigure's room.

"He's outside, talking to Hatori," Shigure said, sleepily as he lay on the floor.

Hatori and Kakeru had a discussion outside, one of which's contents would not be revealed for several years. But, they came to a definite decision, one that they hoped Akito would support, as well.

"Well, boys," Shigure said, as they both came back into the house, "What's the verdict?"

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Tune in next time to hear the verdict! Though, I'm sure you have all guessed it already. Anyways, I'm sorry there was little, if any, fluff in this chapter. But, I had that idea for Hatori today, and I thought it would be good to give him a little more backround. Not much is said about Hatori's childhood in the manga (unless that's a super-secret that won't be revealed until the end of the series).

So, I hope you enjoyed, and I'm kinda hopin' you review. Yours who just wrote for a couple hours instead of doing her homework,

Psycho Sombrero.


	10. Chapter 10

Omg. I love Japan so much! I don't know if any of you are into J-rock, but ALL of you need to be! It's AMAZ-Z-ING! It just makes me think "dude, america sucks ass!" I suggest: Malice Mizer, Moi dix Mois, D'espairs Ray, and I could go on forever, but I really wanna start writing!

Y'know…while I was happy to fit Hatori in (he's one of my fav's), I feel just horrible about there being no Haru so far. : ( I'll change that as soon as possible, btw.

**Please review, and please enjoy!**

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"_Where did Kakeru go?" Yuki asked, as he approached Shigure's room. _

"_He's outside, talking to Hatori," Shigure said, sleepily as he lay on the floor. _

_Hatori and Kakeru had a discussion outside, one of which's contents would not be revealed for several years. But, they came to a definite decision, one that they hoped Akito would someday support, as well. _

"_Well, boys," Shigure said, as they both came back into the house, "What's the verdict?"_

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_God never watched the cat as closely as he did the other animals. Because the cat was not a part of God's interests, he was not as bound to God as the other animals were. And therefore, the "bond" they shared was weak. _

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I was just waiting for Hatori to say the reasonable thing—that it would be best to erase Kakeru's memory as soon as possible. And a small part of me thought that he would say that _he_ thought it would be okay for Kakeru to keep his memories, but he would have to see what Akito thought.

His real answer totally shocked me.

"I think…" Hatori said, hesitating a little, "It would be best not to tell Akito anything."

Even Shigure was shocked.

I don't think Kakeru really knew enough about the curse to fully understand why this was such a big deal. He just stood there, grinning ear to ear and jumping up and down.

"See, if we don't tell that Akito guy, there's not a problem! I thought of it! Am I smart, or what?!?" Kakeru exclaimed.

"Going against God's will for what this boy says? I'm quite pleased, Tori-san," Shigure said, as a sly grin spread across his face and he walked out of the room.

Kakeru didn't seem to notice anything strange about this, as he continued being all "bubbly".

"Tori-san?!? That's way better than Hatori! Hatori sounds so _serious_!" Kakeru jabbered on like this for a few minutes, until finally Hatori just walked out of the room.

"Well, Yun-Yun, is this great or what?!?" he said, still happily jumping up and down.

I couldn't answer. Shigure was right. As members of the zodiac, Akito was our _God_. And by not telling him…what would the consequences be when he found out? I didn't think for a moment that he _wouldn't_ find out. He always seemed to find out about these things somehow…

As in most religion, there is a God that is worshiped above all things. You're not supposed to question what he says or does. Then, I thought: What makes Akito so high and mighty? How do we even know he's "God". What makes him worth our worship?

And, then, just as in most religion, I had the feeling I would be condemned to hell for such sinful thoughts.

Because there's always consequences when you go against God.

"Yun-Yun!** Yun-Yun!**" Kakeru was waving his hand in front of my face after, I guess, I spaced out for a little while.

"Huh?" I asked dazedly.

"What's wrong? Aren't you happy?!?" he asked.

"Hm…? Oh, yeah, I'm happy," I said (not sarcastically, even though the context makes it look that way).

"Hey, I'm gonna go find that Kyo guy and tell him!" he said, turning away.

"Kyo? What for?" I asked, wondering what he would want Kyo for.

"Because he annoys me the most! I might as well make sure he knows I'm not going anywhere!" he said, still cheerfully.

It was then that I realized that Kakeru actually _was_ aware of his own annoying-ness. So much that he knew he could use it as a weapon against those he didn't favor…

"Goodbye, my precious Yun-Yun," he said, pecking my on the cheek and walking off.

It was still hard to get used to "being with" someone. But I still loved every moment of it.

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Kakeru trudged up the stairs, wondering which room was Kyo's.

"_Kyo, isn't there a way to break it?" _

"_Break what?" _

"_The __**curse**__!"_

"_If I knew, would I still be living here?" _

Kakeru heard two voices coming from a room, which he assumed to be Tohru's and Kyo's, since Tohru was the only known girl in the house and she had said "Kyo".

"_Oh…um…sorry. I just…I don't want you to go!"_

"_There's still some time…I still could beat Yuki." _

"_There's always hope for that, but…I don't want you to be trapped by this anymore." _

"_I don't know if there's anything to do about __**that**__. I'll be perfectly happy if I'm just a regular zodiac member." _

Kakeru made out what he could of the conversation, making sure not to press his ear against the door, recalling how in movies and books people always fell through the door when they did that. He failed to realize that it was a _sliding_ door and he was in no danger.

He heard muffled sobbing, presumably on Tohru's part.

"_It's okay…it's okay," Kyo cooed, "I just have to beat him before this spring, and they won't confine me." _

_Orangey's getting locked up? For what?_

Kakeru quietly walked away, feeling that it would be best to leave them to eachother. He wondered if any of the others knew that they were so close. As much as the "confinement" part concerned him, he couldn't help the thinking:

_I just can't wait to tell Yun-Yun this!_

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Hatori sat on the back porch, looking up at the sky.

It was a dark and cloudy day—looking like it was going to storm—which made Hatori feel very peaceful. He had tried to light a cigarette, but it was hopeless with the harsh wind blowing. It was messing up his hair, pushing against him, nearly causing him to fall over.

Hatori felt at ease when he got the feeling that the world was against him—trying to knock him down; it gave him a **reason** for _being_ down.

Why had he agreed with that kid, whose name he had never even bothered to learn, to disobey the person who was figuratively his God?

Was it because he wanted Akito to get mad? Or to go against him, as well? Was it because he wanted to disrupt the natural order of his life? Was it because he was becoming like Shigure—living as if he had nothing to lose, and would do anything to get a little more excitement in life? Was it because he wanted to rebel against the curse?

But, as the wind blew harder and the raindrops began to harshly hit his skin, he heard someone that wasn't him answer from within him.

_It's __**because**__…a storm is coming. _

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"Kakeru! I don't think you can go home today!" Yuki called upstairs, as the harsh wind blew through an open door in the house.

"What?" Kakeru called back. He couldn't hear Yuki through everything outside. It was nearing noon, and there was indeed a storm raging outside.

"I **said:** _I don't think you can go home today!_" Yuki called louder, cupping his hands around his mouth.

"Yay!" Kakeru came thumping down the stairs, "So, I get to stay at Yun-Yun's house another night?"

"That's right," Shigure said, emerging from his study—or whatever the disorganized room Shigure wrote in could be called.

A dripping wet Hatori came back in from the house, calmly as could be.

"Hatori…have you just been standing in that mess outside?" Yuki asked, a bit worriedly.

Hatori simply looked at him for a moment, then nonchalantly walked upstairs, leaving a trail of water the whole way.

"Um…is he okay?" Kakeru asked, watching him trudge his way up the stairs.

"He's done that ever since we were kids…" Shigure said, almost nostalgically.

"Dude, that's freaky," Kakeru said, as he heard a door slam above him.

"Yeah…Um…I'm gonna go get a towel…" Yuki said, walking out of the room, planning to retrieve a towel from their laundry room (which was really a closet, but they called it the laundry room because there were washers and a few toweled shelves in it).

"Okay…I'm gonna go to the bathroom," Kakeru said, heading off, not really knowing where the bathroom was, but just not wanting to be left alone with Shigure.

Kakeru deduced that the bathroom had to be upstairs, since he knew there wasn't one downstairs, and so, began searching rooms again.

Finally, he fell upon the bathroom and walked in, shutting the door behind him. He twisted a flat knob, falsely thinking there would be a lock on it. After realizing this, he told himself he'd have to be quick about his business, for fear that someone might walk in on him.

He began searching the cabinets underneath the sink for shaving razors, or shaving cream, which would indicate that there were probably razors _somewhere_.

He finally found a pack of men's razors, and carefully took one out, deciding that there wasn't a small enough amount for it to be noticeable to anyone else.

Kakeru rolled up his sleeve, revealing the several scars that he had told Yuki that his cat had inflicted upon him; Kakeru didn't have a cat. He brought the blade upon his skin, both loving and hating the feeling it gave him, when his arm began to bleed.

_I'm happy…right? Why am I doing this even when I'm happy?_

But he knew it was no longer something that he did depending on what he felt like. It didn't matter if he was angry, or happy, or excited. It was just something he did now. He couldn't stop at this point.

The scars on his arms made him sick to his stomach when he looked at them—made him think about people finding out, about people trying to figure him out, about how messed up he really was…about how they made him want to do it _more_.

He no longer cried or even cringed at the pain it brought upon him. "Cutting" was, ironically, a painkiller for him.

_Why can't I stop?_

Kakeru sank back against the cabinet, holding a wad of toilet paper over his arm to soak up the blood.

When had it gotten this bad?

When had it gotten to the point where he went to friends' houses and _had _to be "creative" and find something to do it with?

When had it gotten to the point where he couldn't stop, even if he willed himself as hard as he could?

Something most people fail to realize is that no matter how "happy" someone appears, anything could be happening behind closed doors.

Something that _everyone_ failed to realize was that there was a lot going on behind the closed doors in Kakeru's home.

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**I know you're probably thinking right now that it's kinda cliché, since I gave Hatori a cutting problem too, but I have specific reasons for them **_**both**_** doing it. So have a little faith in me, kay? **

**Sorry that was shorter than the last couple chapters, but in truth, it was average length for me. I don't feel like it was my **_**best**_** writing, but I'd rather go listen to Japanese gothic rock bands than re-modify it. **

**Yours who is oh-so-happy with her newly-found genre of music, **

**Psycho Sombrero. **


	11. Kakeru's Story

**I've been listening to "Sunshine in a bag" without the vocals on it to make the beginning of this chapter with Kakeru…there's either music that disrupts my writing pattern or helps it. The latter is pretty hard to find, so consequently, I end up listening to certain songs like 20 times in a row. I just realized that there was no music quote for the last chapter…so this one's is extra long. And for once, it's at least a **_**little**_** relevant.**

**Please review, please enjoy!**

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_**Fuck, this hurts. **_

_**I won't lie. **_

_**Doesn't matter how hard I try. **_

_**Half the words don't mean a thing, **_

_**And I know I won't be satisfied. **_

_**So, why…Try ignore him? To make this dirt explore again? **_

_**Say your prayers or bleed it out. **_

_**Bring that chorus in. **_

_**I bleed it out, **_

_**Dig it deeper, **_

_**Just to throw it away. **_

_**I bleed it out, **_

_**Dig it deeper, **_

_**Just to throw it away.**_

_**I've opened up these scars. **_

_**I'll make you face them… **_

_**I've pulled myself so far… **_

_**I'll make you face me now!**_

_**-Linkin Park. **_

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_Recap: _

_Kakeru rolled up his sleeve, revealing the several scars that he had told Yuki that his cat had inflicted upon him; Kakeru didn't have a cat. He brought the blade upon his skin, both loving and hating the feeling it gave him, when his arm began to bleed._

_I'm happy…right? Why am I doing this even when I'm happy? _

_But he knew it was no longer something that he did depending on what he felt like. It didn't matter if he was angry, or happy, or excited. It was just something he did now. He couldn't stop at this point. _

_The scars on his arms made him sick to his stomach when he looked at them—made him think about people finding out, about people trying to figure him out, about how messed up he really was…about how they made him want to do it more._

_He no longer cried or even cringed at the pain it brought upon him. "Cutting" was, ironically, a painkiller for him._

_Why can't I stop?_

_Kakeru sank back against the cabinet, holding a wad of toilet paper over his arm to soak up the blood. _

_When had it gotten this bad? _

_When had it gotten to the point where he went to friends' houses and had to be "creative" and find something to do it with? _

_When had it gotten to the point where he couldn't stop, even if he willed himself as hard as he could? _

_Something most people fail to realize is that no matter how "happy" someone appears, anything could be happening behind closed doors. _

_Something that everyone failed to realize was that there was a lot going on behind the closed doors in Kakeru's home._

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It never occurs to you until you do it that you would actually do it.

It never occurs to you until you can't stop that there will actually be a point where you can't stop.

It never occurs to you until you cut too deep and it gets dangerous that what you're doing could actually be dangerous.

It never occurs to you until someone finds out that someone could actually find out.

It never occurs to you until someone tries to make you stop that someone would actually care.

_**Kakeru's Story.**_

_I grew up in a small apartment in a bad neighborhood. My mother was legally unemployed, making what little money we had from government checks and jobs she would never dare tell me about. Consequently, we were poor most of the time. She drank and smoked too much and brought home a lot of bad boyfriends—or "uncles" as she would ask me to call them. _

_My mom looked like she had been pretty at a time, but eventually, through the power of drugs, smoking, and alcohol, I'm sure, she looked withered and dried out. Even her shoulder-length bleached-blonde hair looked as if every bit of moisture had been squeezed out of it. _

_My real father was a rich man, but he rarely helped us out money-wise—he was preoccupied with his __legitimate__ family. I've only seen him six times in my whole life. However, I was still an option as for who his successor would be. My mother didn't have any other means of becoming rich, or even middle class, other than the inheritance I might receive. _

_So, she constantly reprimanded me to be the best in __**everything.**__ To get the best grades, to get the best scores in academic contests, to have the best behavior—she wanted me to be __**perfect**__. I walked in a strait line, hating myself for the slightest imperfections, until I was about fourteen. _

_I came home from school one day to find my mom and a guy she had dated a few years ago—"Uncle Rick"—sitting in our almost unfurnished living room (save for a small sofa back against the wall), with two boxes on the ground next to him. He had hit my mother when he had lived with us before. He had hit me a couple times, too. _

"_Mom, what's he doing here?" I asked, afraid to sound angry, knowing it wouldn't take much to make him lash out. _

_She blew out a puff of smoke and then looked up at me, smiling broadly. _

"_Uncle Rick's gone through some hard financial times, so he's just gonna stay here for a while," she said, as he put his disgustingly muscled arm around her shoulder and smirked at me._

"_How's it goin', kiddo?" he asked, sounding as if I had any reason in the world to trust him. _

_I was silent, having no idea what to say. I didn't want this man back in our house. _

"_So, did your essay win?" she asked, trying to sound pleasant, but was still visibly going to get angry if it didn't. _

"_I came in second," I said, hoping desperately that that would be good enough. _

_My mom looked angry, which wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but I was surprised when I saw Rick showing signs of anger, too. His eye flinched fast as a blink, and I saw his fist clenching and unclenching. _

"_D'ya think that'll be good enough for step-daddy-man?" he asked, still smiling, the same way my mother had asked about my essay. _

"_I came in second to __**Machi**__," I replied, feeling that no further explanation was needed. He looked disappointed. _

_Rick was a big man—about seven feet tall. He was __**bulging**__ with muscles. He scared me enough with just those facts—the rest of his appearance was scary, too. His head was shaved, he wore torn jeans and a beat up T-shirt, heavy combat boots, and there was an indiscernible tattoo on his right arm. _

_Nevertheless, when I noticed his anger, and the fact that there was light bruise forming on my mother's cheek and his knuckles were still a little red, something burst inside me. He had already hit my mother __**again**__, and he was only with her because he was waiting for "step-daddy-man" to give us his inheritance. _

"_Mom, what the __**hell**__ is wrong with you?" I asked, against my better judgment, "This guy is a __**total**__ jerk. He'll just be gone as soon as he gets his money."_

"_Kakeru! Don't speak down to your mother like that!"_

"_No! Why are you __**with**__ him? He's just gonna beat the __**shit**__ out of __**both**__ of us __**again**__, and then he's gonna run off! Just like last time!" _

_I was expecting Rick to get up and pulverize me. But for some reason or another, perhaps because I had predicted just that, he just sat there, silently, looking as if he was trying very hard to "keep his cool". _

"_Look, Rick knows he made some mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance," she replied, probably having to rack her brain for those very cliché words._

"_Mom, why do you __**always**__ go back to these guys?" _

"_Kakeru, we're __**not**__ discussing this. We'll talk about your essay later," she said through clenched teeth, apparently trying to keep things calm. Probably because Rick's eye was twitching more and more, and his fists were clenching harder. _

"_What __**for**__? I came in __**second,**__ in our entire __**distric**__t! Why isn't that __**good**__ enough for you?!?" I asked furiously. For the first time in years, I felt like defending myself. I felt kind of good about myself, too. I'd had made a lot of accomplishments; even if they weren't all the __**best**__, they were still good._

"_Because that's not good enough for your __**daddy**__," she replied, lighting another cigarette. _

"_**Fuck**__ that stupid inheritance! We wouldn't __**need**__ it if you had a fucking job!" I yelled, my legs growing tired from standing all that time. _

"_**Kakeru!"**__ she yelled, swiftly putting out her cigarette, finally getting angry. _

"_I'm not trying to win over you __**or**__ that __**man**__ anymore!" I didn't feel comfortable calling him my "father". _

_Rick got up and walked over towards me. I was sure he was going to kill me. Instead, he just stared at me for a moment, as if he were searching my eyes to see if I were telling the truth, and then walked out, not even bothering to bring his few belongings with him. _

_He never came back. _

_My mom always blamed me for it. It __**was**__ my fault that he left. From that day on, she acted towards me with bitterness. For the fact that she wouldn't get the inheritance, and had ridden her of the man she, somehow, saw as a lover. She quit trying to make me be "perfect". She didn't talk to me anymore than she needed to. She never even told me it in so many words, but I knew she hated me. _

_Even though, somewhere in me, I __**knew **__she would've been unhappy anyway—since Rick would've taken off after smacking her around a bit anyway—I still felt responsible for my mother's continuous unhappiness._

_And after the mind-setting I'd been placed under for all that time, all those __**years**__, I still automatically hated myself for having so many imperfections. And when I thought about all these things that were wrong with me—all these __**hundreds of thousands**__ of things that made me below standards, I couldn't stop myself from doing it. _

_The first time, I didn't break the skin. A few days after Rick left, my mom was yelling at me about everything, pointing out all the things I'd done wrong and that were wrong with me. I was eventually ordered to my room without any dinner (which really sucked, because we only had two small meals every day). I was lying on my bed, staring up at the ceiling, trying to clear my head. I failed in that respect, since I ended up thinking about things, anyway. I turned my head to the dresser on my right, and saw the three things on it; My homework folder, a lamp, and a stray paperclip that had probably fallen from my beat-up backpack at some point._

_I couldn't stop everything from filling my entire being—all these things wrong with me, all these reasons I wasn't good enough. And I was washed over by an incredible sensation of self-loathing._

_**It was all **__**my**__** fault.**_

_I kept staring at the things to my right. Finally, feeling as if I was in a trance, I picked up the paper clip. Before I even knew what I was doing, I bent the most outer layer of the paper clip, causing it to bend to outwardly, and harshly scraped it against my skin. The pain was so relieving, I did it again. And again. Harder and swifter each time. _

_I did it when I felt sad or angry from then on. I felt like by punishing myself, I was setting things strait somehow—evening some karmic balance—as if by hurting myself, some of my imperfections would be forgiven. _

_And, then, as I got angrier and angrier with myself, I did it more and more often. Eventually, I started using a pocketknife. It got to a point where it was almost habitual. I did it no matter how I was feeling, or what I'd been doing. It was like a drug. Whenever I felt sad or angry, it made me feel better. Whenever I didn't, however, I had to do it, anyway._

_**It never occurs to you until you can't stop that there will actually come a point where you can't stop.**___

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**I know that was somewhat short, as well, but I kinda wanted Kakeru's story to be in it's own segment. I feel like the story's not progressing, though, because the next chapter's also going to be in this scene…but it's present-tense, and includes other characters, so maybe that makes it okay? **

**Whatever, part two for this segment will be up soon. IF I get at least FOUR reviews this time. That's ALL I want, people. Just click the button below. It doesn't take that much of your time. And if you have been a continuous reviewer, THANK YOU! PSYCHO LUVS YA! **

**Yours who is happily eating chocolate and possibly ruining her figure, **

**Psycho Sombrero. **


	12. Chapter 12

**I just want to warn that I've bumped up the rating (I think it's as high as it can go now), partially just to be safe, and partially because I felt like some of the cutting stuff was kinda epic--I mean, it's not exactly for kids. I'm sure this won't change my reading audience any, because I kinda get the feeling most of you are older anyway and I'm sure anyone younger would read it anyway (I know I would've), but I just thought I should put that out there. **

**Okay, guys, I don't know how much updating I can do—home's not so good right now. BUT, upon receiving SIX whole reviews I felt like I needed to (especially since I only required four). I'll try not to hold review ransom in the future…Well, I'm sure this was one of those chapters that you thought Yuki would be there for Kakeru…but, when I thought of doing it this way, the idea was too bittersweet for me not to. Plus, I didn't want the explanations about Hatori's past to go in vain. This will make sense when you start reading.**

**Anyways, please review and please enjoy!**

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_I don't want to be the one the battles always choose._

_Because, inside, I realize that I'm the one confused. _

_I don't know what's worth fighting for, _

_Or why I have to scream. _

_I don't know why I instigate and say what I don't mean._

_I don't know how I got this way; _

_I know it's not alright. _

_So I'm breaking the habit tonight! _

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_Recap: _

_It never occurs to you until you do it that you would actually do it. _

_It never occurs to you until you can't stop that there will actually be a point where you can't stop. _

_It never occurs to you until you cut too deep and it gets dangerous that what you're doing could actually be dangerous._

_It never occurs to you until someone finds out that someone could actually find out. _

_It never occurs to you until someone tries to make you stop that someone would actually care. _

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_The truth about most cutters is that they are not suicidal, as most people seem to think they are. They see death as something far away, as most people do, and look at cutting simply as a way of coping with a problem. _

_What they don't know is that it's a lot closer than they think._

Kakeru had read that in a book about some depressed kid once; he wondered if it was true. It was true that he progressively cut deeper and deeper, but it wouldn't really get bad enough to where he accidentally killed himself…could it?

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Hatori knocked on the bathroom door downstairs. He wasn't quite sure why he'd gone to the guest room upstairs first; he wasn't going to get any dryer in there.

"Eh…um…sorry! I'm in here right now," he heard a quiet voice, most likely Tohru-kun's, apologize.

"It's okay; I'll go to the upstairs' bathroom," he replied.

He went up the stairs, a bit annoyed that he had to climb the stairs again, and looked for the bathroom door (he didn't know the house that well). He fell upon it at last, remembering that it was the only room with a door that didn't slide open.

He didn't bother knocking, not really thinking anyone would be in it.

He would eventually debate whether this was a wise decision or not.

Upon opening the door, he fell upon the kid that he had spoken to earlier. It always takes a minute for your mind to digest entire scenes.

At first, he queried why the kid was sitting back against the bathroom counter. Then, he saw his cut up arm. The first thing his mind considered was that he had been scratched up by a cat or something, as Kakeru often claimed, but immediately saw that the cuts looked too strait and deliberate to be done with an animal's claws. He mused upon the idea that the boy had been abused, somehow. Of course, these were all significant thoughts. They came in his mind very quickly and left just as quickly. He would never even remember thinking about these possible explanations if he ever looked back on the incident.

All he would remember was the large scar that the boy had his hand covering part of, and that what he could see was still bleeding a little bit. He would also remember how the boy had stared at him with the same face and feeling he was sure he had given Shigure all those years ago. His eyes were wide and dumbstruck—like a deer caught in the headlights. It was a look of shame, surprise, and…guilt—as if he should be _sorry_ that he had been doing this to himself.

_He…did this to __himself__. Oh, my god…_ Hatori thought, looking at the various scratches on Kakeru's arm. He wondered if there was ever a time that his arm looked quite that bad.

"Eh…I hit my arm, and…" Kakeru started, regaining a bit of composure, but still realizing that his excuse was paper thin—no, it didn't have a chance. He confirmed this when he looked at the horrified expression on Hatori's face. Was his arm _that_ bad?

_Wow…I never had the confidence to even __try__ to make an excuse. _

Hatori shut the door behind him, and leaned back against it, not thinking about how wet his soaked clothes would make it, as to make sure no one else would come in.

"You…did that to yourself, didn't you?" Hatori asked, closing his eyes.

_You never realize until someone finds out that someone could actually find out. _

Kakeru's face flushed, and he nodded, still covering his most recent cut with his hand.

"You're so hyper and go-lucky all the time…I can't say this isn't surprising."

Kakeru looked up at him. _"Go-lucky?" I guess… When you don't have a lot of happiness in your life, you just cling to every scrap you can get. Maybe that's why I was so determined about getting Yuki…_

Hatori looked up and let out a sigh.

"Kid…you're in deep, y'know that?" Hatori asked hopelessly.

Kakeru nodded again and rolled down his sleeve, hoping that might make things at least a little less awkward.

"How long have you been doing this?" Hatori asked, hoping it wasn't as long as he had. As a doctor, he could see that Kakeru was cutting more deeply than he had; if he had done it for the same period of time, then he could have suffered major blood loss. And he could conclude from the fact that he found means to do it even at a friend's house that he was already addicted.

Kakeru looked up, thinking for a minute.

"About three years," he replied, looking away from Hatori; It wasn't something he was proud of.

"Have you been breaking the skin this whole time?" Hatori asked, as if they were just a doctor and a patient speaking to each other.

"No…I just kind of scratched it for about a year," Kakeru replied.

"You have to stop," Hatori said bluntly.

Kakeru's eyes widened and he stood up. Suddenly, he looked infuriated.

"Why the hell do _you_ care?" he asked angrily. Hatori was surprised at his outburst for a moment, but soon regained his indifferent composure.

"This is dangerous! You're gonna end up slitting your wrist or something!" Hatori replied as-a-matter-of-factly.

"I'm not _suicidal_," Kakeru said annoyedly.

Hatori thought for a moment house familiar those words sounded, then he remembered that he had said something similar to Shigure when he had started smoking.

"I meant by accident," Hatori said, then realizing that maybe Shigure had meant that when he spoke, as well…no, he was sure Shigure said it in that way just to make him even more uncomfortable.

"I don't _need_ your empty concern. You don't even know me, or my life, or anything. There's no reason for you to care about what I do," Kakeru said, crossing his arms, and then feeling the skin he had slit start stinging when his finger put pressure on it through the fabric.

"Yes, there is!" Hatori snapped, finally getting fed up with him, "What do you think it'll take to make you stop? The first time someone finds out? The first, second, or third time you get sent to the hospital for nearly _killing _yourself?!? No! None of that is going to be enough to make you stop doing it! You have to get help from someone!"

"Shutup, I don't—

"Kid, you **pick **that knife up again, you're never gonna put it down!" Hatori said fiercely, "Even when you think you've put it down, you're just gonna pick it up again, except it'll be disguised as drugs, or smoking, or something else that's just going to end up killing you!"

"How do _you_ know all this?" Kakeru asked, stubborn as ever. Just like how Yuki had stood in front of the train to do so, this was his means of escape. And for someone to come along and tell you that you can't have your only means of escape anymore…it makes you get a little unreasonable.

" 'How do _I _know?' Because I used to do it, too!" Hatori yelled fiercely.

Kakeru stood blankly for a moment, caught completely off guard. Hatori didn't seem like the type of guy who would resort to something like cutting to deal with his problems; he seemed like the type who would be "reasonable" about it, and think of "rational" ways to figure things out.

"I don't…I _can't_…just stop doing it," Kakeru said, running his hands through his hair and letting a sigh out.

"You're at a point where you _can_ stop," Hatori assured him. He felt around the front of his shirt and pulled up a pen that had been clipped to his collar, then wrote something down on a piece of toilet paper.

Kakeru watched him curiously, as he wrote carefully as to make sure the piece of toilet paper didn't get a whole torn through it. He finished writing, and tore it off the role and handed it to Kakeru as if it were a prescription.

_FreeHealth Clinic. _

_Room 210. _

_Free Group Therapy_

_Every Tuesday night at 7:00. _

"Go here," Hatori said simply.

"I don't want to go talk to a bunch of people I don't know," Kakeru replied, just as blankly.

"If you don't, you're never going to stop doing this. I've had patients before that have** died** because of stuff like this," Hatori replied, "They don't ask for your name or anything."

He hadn't had any "patients" that weren't in the Sohma family, and he certainly hadn't had anyone within the Sohma clan try to kill themselves, but Kakeru wasn't quite sharp enough to deduce that in such a short amount of time.

"Fine," Kakeru said resignedly. It was true that he would _like_ to stop…he just had very little faith that he was capable of doing so.

"Okay, then. Now, would you mind leaving so I can dry off? And put something over your cut; it could get infected."

"Yeah, yeah," Kakeru said annoyedly, walking towards the door. He put his hand on the knob, when something came into his mind.

"Hatori…do _you_ still…y'know…?" he asked, still embarrassed to put what he had been doing into such blunt words.

"No. I picked up smoking, instead," Hatori replied, feeling that that would serve to back up his earlier statement about how if he didn't get help, he would never quit.

"So…if smoking is like the same thing for you, and you haven't really quit, why don't you go to this group thingy?" Kakeru asked, opening the door, and looking back, waiting for Hatori's reply.

Hatori smiled, though his face was sad, showing an unusual display of emotion.

"Therapy didn't quite work out for me. For you…you can still get out of this cycle. For people like me…There's just no hope left for people like me."

Kakeru couldn't find anything to say to that, and simply walked out, shutting the door behind him.

_Is it like that for all of them—all the zodiac members? Do none of them have any faith left in themselves, in their happiness…?_

He cringed at the very thought of Yuki being that miserable.

He put the piece of paper in his pocket. He had somewhat planned on not really going to the group thingy. But…Hatori was right. He couldn't keep doing it forever.

"Kakeru? Where've you been?" Yuki asked, from behind him.

Kakeru turned and saw him walking towards him, with a wet towel in his hand; Hatori must've really left a lot of water on the stairs.

"That Hamori-guy was lecturing me about my 'memory responsibilities'," Kakeru replied, sounding bored and annoyed. That sounded like something Hatori would do.

"Sorry about that," Yuki said, nodding grimly. He looked around for a moment and then smiled mischievously. He came closer to Kakeru and locked him in a long kiss.

As their lips met, Kakeru thought how Yuki never would've had the confidence to do something like that so casually just a while back—was that because of him? He had sort of known even before they had an intimate relationship that Yuki didn't have a whole lot of self-confidence; it wasn't that hard to see. Was he making him feel this good about himself? Was Yuki becoming that happy because of him?

Before, he hadn't had anyone who would be upset by it even if someone did find out. Sure, there were people like Hatori, or school counselors who would give him their empty compassion—but, he didn't want that kind of help. He was just another lost kid to them. He hadn't had any real reason to _stop_ doing it, and he had all the reasons in his mind as to why he did it.

What if Yuki found out? How much would that hurt him?

Blind love…as wonderful as it is that someone would give you care, no matter who you are, or what you act like, it's not _real_. It's not personal or anything.

The reason Yuki was special to him, and he was special to Yuki, was because the love they gave each other was significant. They wouldn't give it to anyone else. That was why they needed each other so much.

_**He's**__ my reason…he's the reason I have to stop. _

By the end of the day, everything outside was damp and wet and icky, but it stopped raining long enough for Kakeru to walk home--though, he didn't really want to, he didn't want to impose on the Sohma's. And he'd been wearing the same clothes for too long.

_I love him so much…I won't let him get hurt because of me._

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Tuesday Night

Kakeru walked up to the health clinic doors and let out a breath.

_I can do this…They won't be able to trace me or anything. There won't be anyone I know anyone I know or anything. I can just not come back if I don't like it. _

Kakeru was comforted by the fact that he didn't have to come back if he didn't want to; that he could just go back to things the way they were—even though he knew he couldn't really do that. But, in order to make it to the first meeting, he had to tell himself that.

He walked through the doors and up to the circular desk with pamplets sitting the top of it in the back of the room. The walls were a bright beige color, and there were four or five chairs lined up against all sides of the them.

A young-looking, somewhat petite woman with voluminous brown hair sat behind the front desk, looking down at a piece of paper and chewing a piece of gum.

"Hi, can I help you?" she asked, looking up, still smacking away at her gum.

"Yeah…" he replied awkwardly, "Can you tell me where room 210 is?"

"Uh-huh, hold on," she said, shuffling around some papers on her desk (she was either new, or just not a diligent worker), and finally falling on what seemed to be the right one, "At the end of that hallway." She pointed to the left, and veered her finger to the right, as to say that it was on the right side of the hallway.

"Thanks," Kakeru replied, walking away.

He peered through a small window in the door, and saw a few people shuffling around chairs, so as to form a circle with them. He let another breath out, and turned the knob.

"Well, hi!" a plump, middle-aged woman with curly red hair and laugh-lines around her mouth and eyes, greeted him cheerfully.

"Hi," he replied, not quite as peppy as she. "I'm…here for the group thingy."

"Oh, I see!" she exclaimed, as if he had just cleared up a great mystery, "Well, I'm Sharon, and I'm the counselor for our group therapy meetings! Nice to meet you!"

She extended her hand out to him, which he shook in compliance. He hated that it had to be called "therapy." It made him feel kind of like he was crazy.

"I'm Kakeru," he said without much expression in his voice.

"Well, Kakeru, you seem a bit young to be in group therapy. You're still welcome under the same circumstances as everyone else, of course, but I'd just like to ask if there's some reason in particular that you're here," she said, sounding concerned.

He smiled bitterly. It was true; most boys his age weren't quite that fucked up, yet.

Kakeru sighed and rolled up his sleeve, feeling no further explanation was needed.

"I see," she said in understanding, allowing him to put his sleeve back down, "Well, there are plenty of young people here like yourself, as well, so you won't stick out much. But, maybe you'd like a friend or family member here to help you?"

"Mmm…no, there's not anyone else who needs to be here with me," Kakeru said, still smiling sadly. It did seem like it would be nice to be with someone he knew, instead of a bunch of total strangers…but that wasn't much of an option.

"Okay, well that's understandable. Why don't you go and help the other early birds arrange the chairs?"

Kakeru nodded his head, and walked over to a stack of chairs, shaking a brotherly hand with a withered-looking man he could guess was a drug addict on the way.

_I can carry my pain on my own. You already have so much sorrow weighing on your shoulders…it would be selfish of me to pile my own upon them, as well. _

_I'll never let you be crushed with the same troubles that are slowly crushing me._

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**Okay, guys, I hope that was good. Kind of a sad sort of sweetness, I guess. Anyway, I'm quite happy with how the story's progressing. I'm working on another piece of fiction on the side (it's not fanfiction, which is a lot tougher to write), but I'll try not to let that cut back on updates too much.**

**Yours who has just added like forty random songs onto her iPod and must go enjoy them now,**

**Psycho Sombrero.**


	13. Chapter 13

Hey, guys

**I'm terribly sorry this is so short, and nothing really happens in it (and it took me so long to update). Part of it's aftermath, part of it's just an intro for what's to come in the rest of the story. **

**Please review, and please enjoy!**

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_**I'm so drunk in love with you. **_

_**Drunken candy will not do. **_

_**You are poison on my skin. **_

_**I can't see anything. **_

_**-Cassie Steele. **_

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_**He…did this to himself. Oh, my god…**__ Hatori thought, looking at the various scratches on Kakeru's arm. He wondered if there was ever a time that his arm looked quite that bad._

"_Eh…I hit my arm, and…" Kakeru started, regaining a bit of composure, but still realizing that his excuse was paper thin—no, it didn't have a chance. He confirmed this when he looked at the horrified expression on Hatori's face. Was his arm that bad?_

_**Wow…I never had the confidence to even **__**try**__** and make an excuse**_

_Hatori shut the door behind him, and leaned back against it, not thinking about how wet his soaked clothes would make it, as to make sure no one else would come in._

"_You…did that to yourself, didn't you?" Hatori asked, closing his eyes._

_**You never realize until someone finds out that someone could actually find out. **_

_Kakeru's face flushed, and he nodded, still covering his most recent cut with his hand._

"_Kid, you __**pick **__that knife up again, you're never gonna put it down!" Hatori said fiercely, "Even when you think you've put it down, you're just gonna pick it up again, except it'll be disguised as drugs, or smoking, or something else that's just going to end up killing you!"_

_The reason Yuki was special to him, and he was special to Yuki, was because the love they gave each other was significant. They wouldn't give it to anyone else. That was why they needed each other so much._

_**He's**__ my reason…he's the reason I have to stop. _

"_I'm Kakeru," he said without much expression in his voice._

"_Well, Kakeru, you seem a bit young to be in group therapy. You're still welcome under the same circumstances as everyone else, of course, but I'd just like to ask if there's some reason in particular that you're here," she said, sounding concerned._

_He smiled bitterly. It was true; most boys his age weren't quite that fucked up, yet._

_**I can carry my pain on my own. You already have so much sorrow weighing on your shoulders…it would be selfish of me to pile my own upon them, as well. **_

_**I'll never let you be crushed with the same troubles that are slowly crushing me.**_

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_Slap! _

Kakeru pulled up the rubber band on his wrist and let it snap back down. "Sharon", from group counseling, had told him it was a psychological technique used to replace cutting for a short period of time, but eventually he wouldn't be aloud to do that, either. Because it was replacing cutting, and it was considered the same thing, (except it didn't damage his body as much) he could only do it until his "real problems" were solved—the problems that made him want to cut.

As far as Kakeru could see, it was like trying to trick his mind into thinking he was hurting himself. It didn't really have the same numbing effect, but he still found himself doing it at times when he felt like cutting.

He had hated the entire "group" thing—he had been to three meetings now. It was very boring when other people were talking, and it was incredibly awkward whenever _he_ had to talk. He had made a point of it to keep from anyone finding out about his habit for so long, that it was very hard to make himself confess it to a large group of people of his own free will. It made him feel like he was ratting himself out, and as if it would make something bad happen—he'd been under that mind-setting for so long, that it was hard to do the exact opposite of what he was used to. But, then, this was one of the main reasons he hadn't told anyone for so long—because he knew he would have to get "help". He had known he _needed _it for some time, but never actually considered doing anything about it.

He had looked at cutting as something to fall back on for a very long time—it was hard to think of stopping it as "help" when he had viewed cutting as his personal help for such a long time.

And, then, there was the doctor he had to see—or was "strongly suggested" to see, which really meant the same thing, unless he wanted to be labeled as noncompliant—basically, to make sure he didn't do it anymore.

"_You don't have to, but you should probably go down the hall to doctor Sighn's office before the next few meetings. That's why we have group meetings at the health clinic, because mental problems often result in physical problems, as well," Sharon had told him. _

"_How long have you been doing this?" Dr. Sighn, an elderly looking Indian man had asked him, holding Kakeru's arm and tracing his finger along one of the scratches. __**He's probably a retired doctor—otherwise, why would he want to work for free? **__Kakeru had thought. _

"_Um…about two years," Kakeru replied, turning slightly red in the face. Since, he didn't break the skin the first year, he could say it was only two, right?_

"_There's nothing to be ashamed of," Dr. Sighn had said caringly, noticing Kakeru's downcast gaze."I've had plenty of young people come in for the exact same reason—one young man said he'd done it for over ten years! He'd been hospitalized three times for it! Needless to say, I've seen much worse cases than you."_

_While it was somewhat comforting that he wasn't the only one who turned to something so odd to solve problems, Kakeru still wanted desperately to leave. He couldn't find the right words to respond. _

"_What have you been using?" he asked, returning the doctor-patient status to the conversation._

"_A shaving razor," Kakeru replied uncomfortably._

"_On average, how many times a week do you think you've done it?" _

"_Mmm…three or four times."_

"_Have you ever been hospitalized?" _

"_No…I haven't done it that deep," Kakeru answered, preferring to refer to cutting simply as "it". _

"_That's good; you probably haven't suffered __**too**__ much blood loss, then. I assume you didn't use any disinfectant afterwards?"_

"_No," Kakeru replied, feeling like it was a question that's answer could go without saying; it wasn't something that he planned out enough to think "I should put something on this…". He usually did it on random, uncontrollable urges. He didn't feel like he was even conscious when he did it—usually, he felt as if he were in a trance full of despair. _

"_We're going to have to check for infections, then. Have you ever felt dizzy afterwards?" _

"_A couple times."_

"_Mm-hmm…recently?" _

It went on like that for another few minutes, and then he had to give a blood sample to make sure he didn't have any infections, which he didn't, probably because he always kept them unexposed under his sleeves and sometimes used band-aids. He felt very guilty to trouble the doctor with all this, when he had done it to himself. The whole mess was his own fault, after all.

As much as it felt like a chore for him, he still felt as if there would be a reward once he was finished—once he didn't have any scars left on his arms and he could start wearing short-sleeves again. And once he didn't feel like he had to do it anymore. It seemed as if it was something crazy to dream for, though…something out of his reach.

Even though whenever he would come back in a couple weeks and say "I've gone this long without cutting myself", as they were encouraged to do so if they were there to break addictions, that wouldn't be satisfying in and of itself. It wouldn't fulfill anything

_But…I would never want Yuki to be hurt by this. For him, I'll make __**sure**__ it's within my reach. _

000000000000000Yun-Yun's perspective!0000000000000000

Usually, whenever I woke up in the morning, I was just annoyed that I had to get up—I wasn't much of an early riser. In fact, I'd probably sleep past noon if my alarm clock busted and no one woke me up. I didn't particularly anticipate going to school, either. But, whenever I'd remember that I'd get to see Kakeru there, I kind of started liking school. I got dressed a little faster, and took a little more time to make sure my appearance was okay.

I just _know_ he lovedplaying up the whole "secret relationship" angle. Admittedly, it was pretty fun. The secret part _did_ make it more exciting when we held and kissed one another. We caught each other after student council meetings, in the halls before school started…I honestly don't think I've ever been so happy.

Somewhere along the line, though, I got the feeling that he was hiding something—well, not so much hiding it, as simply not telling me (yes, there's a difference). I wondered about his homelife sometimes, since he never said anything about his parents or family, and I'd never seen where he lived. I was dangerously caught up in the relationship, though, and I didn't give it the attention that I should have. In a word, I was _intoxicated_ by him. It was a wonderful feeling, but it made me incredibly dense. I could sense that there was something wrong going on, but my senses were so dulled that I couldn't do anything but notice that things were a little stranger some days than others.

Whenever I look back on it, I feel really guilty for not being more observant. He put so much effort into helping me with my issues, and I didn't even _recognize_ his. Even if I had noticed, though, I don't think I would've known that it would lead to something so big.

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_When did it start? When did I start feeling so alone? When did that begin to be the only thing I felt?_

Machi could remember back to the days when she, just like Kakeru, had strived to be perfect. She remembered whenever her mother rejoiced at the fact that Kakeru had stopped trying to "win", and she had, too. It was a goal she had had for years, but she still felt surprised when it actually came.

But, then, before any wills were signed or anything made official, her mother learned she was pregnant. And soon afterwards, that it was a boy. They were both legitimate children, but due to old tradition, the son had a higher place over a daughter—or at least in Machi's father's eyes, he did. Kakeru would have surely gotten the inheritance had he not been had out of wedlock.

_What am I supposed to do now?_ She had thought. Her whole life, her goal, her dream, her meaning of life, her very reason for _existence_, it seemed, wasn't there anymore. Most of her life, it seemed, had gone to waste. What was she supposed to live for? Where was she supposed to go from there—what was she supposed to aim for? The whole thing gave her a chronic feeling of emptiness.

Nevertheless, she never blamed her little brother for any of it. It wasn't as if he had any control over being born, and deep down, she knew that it was her parents who were in the wrong. And then, she had been evicted from her own home, by the people who had already destroyed her.

Even though she liked living alone—in her current state, she was very reclusive, anyway—she felt almost as if she had been disowned, seeing as she lost her inheritance and was thrown out of her house.

And then, soon afterwards, she had begun to hate that she had ever been that way, since it all went for nothing. And she did everything in her power to make sure she was never hurt like that again—reaching so desperately to meet someone else's expectations of "perfection", and then for it all to go for nothing, even though she technically won…she didn't ever want to be anything like she had before. Part of her was still fighting, and that part knew that if she went back to the way she had been, then they would have won.

_But even if they make sure __**they**__ lose…I'll never be able to win._

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**Once again, I'm just really sorry that was so short and bad. I'd like to say, though, that I did not fit Machi in because I'm running short of ideas for Yuki and Kakeru—I've been wanting to fit her in for some time, because she's just one of my favorites. She'll have a lot of room in the next chapter, I think. I'm skipping ahead a few weeks, because it finally occurred to me that the past like five chapters have only covered like not even two days, and the plot needs to move along. I suppose I could've done better, but I really wanted to post **_**something**_

**I really don't know when I'll be able to update. I have friends coming over this weekend, and our town's uba supa special festival happening, and one of said friends is bring a ouji board so we can be naughty children and experiment with the paranormal. **

**Yours who is fretting over her other piece of fiction at the same time, **

**Psycho Sombero. **


	14. Chapter 14

Sorry updates have taken a while. I thank all of my readers and reviewers, as usual. You're all uber awesome! I'd like to make sure you all know that Furuba 19 is officially out, though I'm sure most of you have read it already and posted multiple forum topics about it. I tried to get mine when we went to town last weekend, but got sidetracked by a yaoi series and totally forgot TT

Updates are getting harder, as I've sort of got an official writing job now (garage band lyric-writer), and tennis has started, and I've got end-of-the-year projects to do…ugh. Come summer, though, I promise this story might gain twelve chapters or so. Hell, it might even be finished.

**Please review and please enjoy! **

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_I just wanna live! _

_Don't really care about the things that they say…_

_Don't even really care what happens to me-ay…_

_I just wanna __**live**__!_

_-Good Charlotte._

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As exciting as secret relationships are, most people think of the secrecy as a temporary thing. Well, usually the thought "How long can we keep this up?" enters their head at least a couple times…That never happened with me. I didn't even think about the future or anything—all I could think about was how good it felt to be in his arms.

I think that was why we were so unprepared.

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"Okay, so the fundraiser money is going to new sports equipment, right?" Nao questioned, looking up from his paper on which I'm sure he was taking some sort of notes. I've always been pretty sure he would've made a better president than me—he's the most organized guy I've ever met, even if he _is _extremely stressed.

"Uh-huh!" Kimi responded, bobbing her head up and down. "Kimi has some people to meet at the mall! Is the meeting over yet?"

"Yeah, it's time to go," I replied, glancing at the clock. It was actually ten minutes before we usually ended meetings, but I was pretty anxious to leave, myself.

"Great!" Kimi exploded, jumping up from her chair. Machi quietly got out of her chair and slid it back under the table. "Machi, why don't you come with me? I'm seeing some guy friends that would love to meet you!"

"No, thank you," Machi replied, turning to walk out.

"Wait!" Kimi persisted. "Machi has _potential!_"

"Kimi, are you trying to pimp my sister out?" Kakeru asked, looking a tad bit too serious.

"No! Kakeru has a dirty mind!" Kimi protested. "Well, Kimi's just going to go now, if Machi's going to be so stubborn about it!"

Machi's face tightened as she kicked the door open, and ran away, making her rather dramatic exit. At first, I thought she was going to kick a chair over or something…

To my surprise, Nao pulled his head up from his paper work and calmly walked after her without saying so much as a word of explanation.

"Nao-chan is so stupid…" Kimi said, walking out behind him, though most likely not in an attempt to follow him.

"CHAN?! I heard that!" he yelled from outside. "I REFUSE to be chibi-fied!!"

Kakeru watched the door until he saw it shut completely and the voices got softer and more distant. He smiled mischievously and looked back at me, where I was picking up the stray papers Nao had left behind.

"Wha…?"

Before I could say anything else, he had successfully knocked me down and gotten on top of me. I opened my mouth to protest, but his lips came crashing down upon mine before I could argue with him.

"Kakeru…we're on…school grounds!" the muffled words managed to escape my mouth in between his breaks for air.

"That just makes it more exciting, no?"

He looked down at me with a confident smirk on his face, and let his chest relax upon mine so he could put his head down in the crook between my neck and shoulder.

"Don't tell me you don't like it, Yun-Yun," he whispered into my ear. He lifted his head back up and supported his upper half by planting his arms on the floor beside my head. He looked down at me, a challenging grin on his face.

My eyes widened and I melted right on the spot. I pulled him back down by his tie without protesting anymore. As soon as his lips landed on mine, I wondered why I hadn't been compliant from the beginning…

I've got no idea how long we went at it, but before I knew it, he started undoing the buttons my shirt. And I wasn't stopping him. For about twenty minutes or so, I stopped worrying about what if we got caught, or anything like that. For just twenty minutes or so, I put my guard down.

And that twenty minutes was all it took.

"Yuki-kuuun!"

At first, in my dazed state, I thought it was Kakeru saying my name. But, then I remembered that Kakeru never called me by my name real name, preferring "Yun-Yun." The words _Oh, shit!_ came to mind.

What really made me snap back into reality was when I noticed Kakeru had stopped, once again pulling upward from me, and was looking at something behind my head. I craned my neck backwards as much as I could, just enough to see Honda-san and Haru standing in the doorway.

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"Machi! Machi, come on!" Nao yelled, chasing her out of the school.

She turned around, but remained walking backwards with an angry expression on her face. A clear sign that she didn't intend to stay around and make friendly banter. She knew she had acted irrationally, she didn't care to listen to someone give her shit about something she was completely aware of.

She said nothing, but stared at him coldly, her eyes _daring_ him to say something.

"Don't get so upset over Kimi…" Nao said calmly, assuming that Kimi was the problem, since that seemed to have been what had set her off.

"I don't give a shit about what that slut says," Machi said, narrowing her eyes.

Nao was almost shocked at her outburst. He wasn't unused to Machi lashing out, as she had a few classes with him and he had been witness to most incidents, but it was very out the normal for her to be so blatantly angry. Even if she did things that would strongly hint at anger, she hardly ever came out and made it so obvious.

"Don't call her names. You're kind of the one that lashed out. She didn't really do anything…." Nao tried to reason, much calmer than usual.

"What? You think I just randomly act out because I'm a psycho?!"

"No, I think there's a reason. I really just came out here to make sure _you_ were okay."

"Well, I'm _not_ okay. What do you think it's like trying to be perfect your whole life, and never being good enough?! I'll never be okay! I'll never be good enough!" Machi yelled, surprised at the unusual outburst that was somewhat emotion-related. Something inside her had snapped, though. It had had enough.

Why am I telling him this? Shit…

_**That's**__ why she breaks things and lashes out like that? _

"You think you're the only one who feels that way?" he asked her briskly. She seemed a bit taken aback, opening her mouth to say something, then deciding against it and shutting it again.

"I don't care if I am," she finally decided to say. She had thought his cold voice meant something along the lines of "you think you're the only one with problems?", but somewhat to the contrary, his intended meaning was much more comforting.

Nao looked at her expectantly as if he was waiting for her to come up with a better answer.

She looked back at him with an equally expectant gaze. What was he trying to make her say? Why was he pushing her so much? She was expecting him to lash out at _her_ soon. She had been angry just seconds ago, but somehow she wouldn't blame him now if he did. She had been pretty rash.

Nao, at the beginning, had contemplated using the ever cliché "this is what _my_ shitty life is like" argument back to her. But, really, how would the fact that other people's lives sucked, too, make her's any better? It wouldn't. Putting lives in comparison to one another doesn't change the way they are.

_Do you think you're the only one that feels that way?_

_I don't care if I am. _

Instead, Nao took a few steps forward and looked her in the eyes. He placed his arms around her and pulled her close to him. She was surprised and blushing, but she wasn't trying to stop him.

Nao was delightedly surprised that she was a little shorter than him, just enough so that she could lay her head on his shoulder.

"You're not," he whispered to her. "You're not the only one who feels that way…who has those sort of impossible expectations towards themselves. Who feels like they'll never measure up…your not alone."

He couldn't make anything better for her right then and there, nor could she do the equivalent for him, but they could still let each other know that they weren't alone.

_That I'm __**not**__…the only person who feels this way. _

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"It's not what it looks like!" Kakeru yelled, scrambling to his feet.

"Are you even going to _try_ that?" I asked, getting up beside him, most likely red as a beet. I was glad we hadn't gone any further than my shirt coming off…

"Ah! I'm so sorry! It's just that I didn't have work today, so I thought I thought I'd wait for Haru-san after he finished after tutoring, and then I though you might still be here for student council, so…" Tohru exclaimed, covering her mouth and reddening in the face. I don't think the poor child had ever seen something that graphic.

"I'm sorry!" she exclaimed again.

Silence…

"Well, I'm gonna get right to it. What were you _guys_ doing in here?" Haru asked expectantly.

"_Wrestling_. What does it _look_ like?" Kakeru said sarcastically.

"You mean you were…?"

"Until _someone_ interrupted us," Kakeru said, with all seriousness in his voice. I jabbed him in the rib.

Haru walked closer to us and eyed Kakeru up and down.

"Sorry, I'm taken," Kakeru replied, sticking his arm around my shoulder.

"Well, I think you could get a better _wrestling partner_ than this guy, but I'm okay with it," Haru finally concluded.

I probably should've been freaking out, but, even though it was pretty embarrassing, it really didn't feel like the worst thing in the world. Tohru was always accepting, and I suspected Haru wasn't strait as a rod himself. At any rate, I was pretty confident they would keep it quiet. The only slight worry was that Honda-san might accidentally say something…without thinking…at any moment… Well, I was actually pretty worried about her forgetting it was a secret.

Speaking of Tohru, she was standing in the exact place she had walked in, obviously very confused. Finally, she perked her head up a bit more than it had been, looking enlightened somehow.

"This is wonderful!" she exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

"I bet she's a _fujoshi_," Haru speculated form her excitement.

(A.N.: Fujoshi is a term that means you're a girl who likes yaoi hentai, which is basically anime-style-drawn boy/boy porn. I wouldn't be surprised if I was speaking to a few right now.)

"Yuki-kun beat the curse!" she said happily, running over to us, from her reclusive spot at which she'd been standing for the most part.

"You're so lucky, Yuki-kun! You don't have to worry like…" her voice trailed off momentarily, "like the rest of the zodiac members do!"

_Like Kyo-kun and I…_

"I _was_ planning on going to Senpai's house and having Yuki all to myself tonight, but why don't you come, too?" Haru invited, a bit intrusive to invite himself _and_ a guest.

"As long as I get to sleep in Yun-Yun's bed!" Kakeru said jokingly.

"_Yun-Yun_?" Haru questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm making _ramen_ tonight!" Tohru happily changed the subject. "But I can make something else if Manabe-san doesn't like ramen…"

"No, Manabe-san's fine with ramen," Kakeru replied, mimicking the way she spoke in third-person. _I don't care what we eat…as long as I don't have to go back home tonight. _

We all began to walk out, as the school gates would probably be closing soon.

"Eh…Yuki-kun, maybe you should put your shirt back on before we go outside…" Tohru said uncomfortably.

"Yeah…" I quickly slipped it back over my head without bothering to fix the tie.

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"Sorry we're late, Shigure-san!" Tohru yelled upon entering the house.

"Quite alright, quite alright. Just gimme some _food!_ I'm starvin'!" he yelled back, most likely from the "living room".

"Yes!" Tohru replied, already on her way to the kitchen.

"Come, let us rot our brains with some television," Haru said, beckoning for us to follow to the backroom. He's always so comfortable at our house…

Shigure awaited, stretched out on the couch, reading a magazine. He looked up upon our entering.

"It's_ BAAAACK!_" he said, laughing, most likely in response to seeing Kakeru again.

"Nice to see you, too," Kakeru said annoyedly, taking his seat on the ground as Shigure had taken up the couch. Haru and I followed suit.

"Yuki, the New Years banquet is this weekend. You and Kyo aren't getting out of it this year," Shigure said assertively.

Right at "New Years banquet", I saw Kakeru's eyes flick towards me. I knew exactly what was running through his head, because it was running through mine, too.

"I wanna go, too!" Kakeru spontaneously exclaimed.

I was always reluctant to go to the Mainhouse because of _him_…my father. The fact that Kakeru would want to go to keep me safe gave me a random urge to hug him…

"Hm…I don't think Akito would like that. Not to mention, it's horrible manners to invite yourself," Shigure said, beginning to fan himself with the magazine, most likely due to the steam coming from the kitchen.

"Come on, you won't even know I'm there. There's like a million Sohmas, I'll blend right in. I have one of those faces, y'know?" Kakeru persisted. A sly smile spread across Shigure's face. The smile that clearly stated "This is going to be interesting."

"Alright. Let's see what comes of this."

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Poor Yuki…always being told to put his shirt back on. xP I'm really sorry that wasn't long, and it took forever for me to update, and it was a bit poorly written. While it was imperative to the rest of the story, my writing's been slacking a lot lately. Maybe I'm over-workin' it…eh, who knows? The story has exactly 49 reviews as of chapter 13. Maybe it took me so long because I was subconciously waiting for it to hit fifty...or conciously...anywho, reviews would really be appreciated!! They just might make me work faster :hint hint:

Next chapter. Stuff's gonna happen. Big stuff. I promise. Yours who is, for once, not writing at her best at 1:00 am,

Psycho Sombrero.


	15. Chapter 15

34 hits and one review? (thanks bunches to that one reviewer!) Can't say I'm pleased, but I wouldn't be surprised if the last chapter was deserving of no more than that. At any rate, I give unto you chapter fifteen!

**Please review and please enjoy!**

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_Recap: _

_I've got no idea how long we went at it, but before I knew it, he started undoing the buttons my shirt. And I wasn't stopping him. For about twenty minutes or so, I stopped worrying about what if we got caught, or anything like that. For just twenty minutes or so, I put my guard down. _

_And that twenty minutes was all it took. _

"_Yuki-kuuun!" _

_At first, in my dazed state, I thought it was Kakeru saying my name. But, then I remembered that Kakeru never called me by my name real name, preferring "Yun-Yun." The words Oh, shit! came to mind. _

_What really made me snap back into reality was when I noticed Kakeru had stopped, once again pulling upward from me, and was looking at something behind my head. I craned my neck backwards as much as I could, just enough to see Honda-san and Haru standing in the doorway._

XXX

"_You're not," Nao whispered to Machi. "You're not the only one who feels that way…who has those sort of impossible expectations towards themselves. Who feels like they'll never measure up…your not alone." _

_He couldn't make anything better for her right then and there, nor could she do the equivalent for him, but they could still let each other know that they weren't alone. _

_**That I'm **__**not**__**…the only person who feels this way.**_

_XXX_

_I probably should've been freaking out, but, even though it was pretty embarrassing, it really didn't feel like the worst thing in the world. Tohru was always accepting, and I suspected Haru wasn't strait as a rod himself. At any rate, I was pretty confident they would keep it quiet. The only slight worry was that Honda-san might accidentally say something…without thinking…at any moment… Well, I was actually pretty worried about her forgetting it was a secret. _

_XXX_

"_Yuki, the New Years banquet is this weekend. You and Kyo aren't getting out of it this year," Shigure said assertively. _

_Right at "New Years banquet", I saw Kakeru's eyes flick towards me. I knew exactly what was running through his head, because it was running through mine, too. _

"_I wanna go, too!" Kakeru spontaneously exclaimed. _

_I was always reluctant to go to the Mainhouse because of him…my father. The fact that Kakeru would want to go to keep me safe gave me a random urge to hug him…_

"_Alright. Let's see what comes of this."_

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At first, I was pretty happy that Kakeru was coming with us to the New Year's celebration. The delightedly unusual bringing-your-boyfriend-to-dinner feeling, I guess.

But, after a couple minutes of that, the rest of the equation came to mind. Firstly, he does **not** have "one of those faces" that would let him blend in and, seeing as he was most likely to make conversation and be his usual lively self, chances were that someone would realize that he wasn't supposed to be there. And, then, what if Akito found out? He was notorious for hating women, but what if that wasn't it and he just hated anyone who got between him and a zodiac member? What if…

_What if he hurts Kakeru?_ Once that question was in my brain, it was engraved. I couldn't get rid of it or stop thinking of it—I couldn't stop a shiver from going down my spine every time I saw his innocent, smiling face…

And then there was how compliant Shigure had been. Surely, he realized that Kakeru had an pretty unsafe chance of being found out. And, of course, he knew that that would make Akito angry. I _knew_ he knew.

Shigure's actions always scared me a bit. Even if he came off as a bit dim-witted, I always felt as if he was one step ahead in the game. Well, that's not quite the way to put it. More like he knew what was going to happen in the game, even if he wasn't playing. Horrible metaphor, I suppose, but that's the only way I could think to phrase it. In any case, I got that feeling every time he did something vague that didn't make sense. In some cases, it would turn out I felt that way for good reason.

This was definitely one of them.

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Hanajima…I never thought much of her. A bit creepy, I guess, but nothing more. Her failing marks in class and self-proclamation of being an idiot might lead one to believe that she's stupid. Somewhat to the contrary, however, she knows a lot more than any of us do. She knew a lot more about me than I thought she did.

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_Sohma-kun's waves have a different air about them than before…so do Manabe-san's. It must've worked out, then. And yet…something's wrong. _

Hanajima sat in her math class, staring at the back of Yuki's head. Of course, _he_ was taking notes, actually paying attention to the teacher, and didn't notice her. Hanajima looked down at her own notebook, to see a rather morbid image of her math teacher enduring some quite painful mid-evil-ish-looking torture by a girl wearing a black braid. She smiled to herself. Her drawing had improved quite a bit. But, with the completion of the grotesque masterpiece, and no ideas for another, she had decided to check on Yuki. Via wave-reading, of course.

She had been expecting better—_happier_—results, honestly. Maybe she had hoped for too much? It wasn't as if she took too much actual interest in Yuki's well-being. Her life had been going very well lately, and with a good life, generally comes a bit of boredom. So she occasionally interested herself with someone else's not-so-happy life. It may sound sadistic, in a sense, but really it's just human nature. Nobody wants to read a book about someone who has a perfect life and how happy and great their life is. It's just not interesting without any turmoil involved.

However, it wasn't as if she went about looking for miserable people as if it was some sort of sick hobby. Yuki's waves were actually so distressed that they occasionally came to her like harsh slaps in the head, which was extremely odd in and of itself. This—the fact that "The Prince", who occasionally even seemed to have a sort of sunny air about him, had some sort of melancholy presence constantly distressing him—had interested her quite a bit.

She had always received waves and such, but never tried to change them. She thought it would be interesting to see if she could. And, she had been somewhat successful. Yuki's waves were much less troubled than they had been. But they still hit her on occasion. She wanted to see what she could do. In truth, her intentions were only to test her own abilities, see how far she could push things, find out what she was capable of.

But, had she not had these somewhat self-centered intentions, things may not have changed the way they did.

_RING!_

Hanajima came out of her deep thought at the sound of the bell. Too bad; school was over and so was observation time. She heard footsteps rushing around to leave the room and get on with the weekend. It was the last period on a Friday; the traffic in the hallway would be _horrible_. She saw Yuki just then putting his books in his backpack, which was hanging on the back of his chair. It made sense that someone like him wouldn't be in such a rush to get home.

Hanajima wasn't very enthusiastic to get home, herself. She realized that if a normal kid wanted to hang around another kid, they would probably actually ask them to hang out for a bit. She had a random impulse to do something she normally wouldn't.

"Sohma-kun…" she said, standing up from her chair and causing Yuki to look back from the doorway. "If you're not doing anything, could you walk me home?"

"Sure," he replied, giving her his usual polite smile. For some reason, after realizing that he wasn't actually attracted to females, he had grown rather dense to recognizing their romantic intentions towards him. Though Hanajima worried that he would perceive it as something of the sort, Yuki probably wouldn't have realized it even if she had meant for it to be.

The teacher, however, was puzzled that the goth girl and "The Prince" seemed to have some sort of relation to one another.

They walked in silence through the hallway and out the door. The school lawn was filled with kids speaking to one another, calling on cell phones for a ride home, the principal attempting to make the "walkers" leave already. They both said nothing, knowing it would be somewhat of a social disruption if anyone thought a girl, let alone Hanajima, was intertwined in the relations of "The Prince."

As they walked through the gates, Hanajima was once again hit with a wave of anxiety emanating from him.

She was suddenly struck with the fact that there was something wrong with Yuki. That he wasn't normal. Until now, she had seen him as something of a test subject. But he wasn't just a lab rat. He was a person. A person Tohru-kun held very dearly to her. After walking two blocks or so in silence, she finally spoke.

"You're scared about something?" she said quietly. Yuki looked surprised for a minute, but then smiled towards her.

"Not particularly." He was lying. "Why do you ask?"

"I can read your inner waves. It was more of an observation than a question," she stated, her blank gaze boring deeply into his timid one.

"Well, I'm visiting some relatives this weekend. I guess I'm a little nervous about that. You know how family stuff goes," he replied, still attempting to keep his smile up.

Hanajima looked to the sky to see a flock of birds going by, squawking to each other. _Family issues?_ She really _didn't _know "family stuff goes". Her family was always loving and supportive of each other. She was losing interest with him, but she still felt that she should at least _try_ to help, reminding herself that he _was_ a person. Even so, she didn't feel like beating around the bush.

"There's someone…" she stopped walking and looked to him. "There's someone who you hold very highly in your mind."

Yuki stopped and looked to her as well.

"There are a few people that are dear to me," he replied, though his face revealed no smile or light in his eyes.

"Not like that. It's like someone overshadowing the back of your mind."

Yuki remained silent. He had no response for her. It was an odd feeling for someone who wasn't you to know what was going on in your mind, even if they spoke of it in vague terms. It's a very naked feeling.

"If they told you…" she continued, "that you were alive for no reason, would you believe them?"

"_You're only here because I am. You wouldn't be alive if it weren't for me." _

"If they were to try and crush you, would you let them?"

"_Yuki…what __you__ want has nothing to do with this." _

"If they were to strike you down, would you be able to fight back?" She looked at him expectantly.

_I can't truthfully say yes…_ Yuki thought, standing there. It was as if he was speaking, not to Saki, but to himself. To the part that was constantly self-challenging him. And whenever that part challenged him, he rarely won. _Even after all he's done for me…I still can't say "yes" right away._

So, instead, Yuki just stood there, staring back at her.

"Yuki…" she spoke, unusually calling him simply by his name. "There are people like Tohru-kun, who want to understand people's pain—who want to help people in pain, but can't even begin to grasp it for what it really is. And there are people like me who can pick it up, roll it around in our hands—completely and totally feel and comprehend what it is—but don't wish to be burdened with that sort of thing. I'm afraid you've got the short end of the stick, being the one who holds all those sorts of troubles. All _you_ can hope for is someone who can fully understand it, _and_ cares enough to help you."

Yuki stood there, stunned. He still couldn't speak. He didn't particularly like being referred to by a girl he hardly knew from school as a bucket of misfortune.

She nodded, as if understanding, and turned half-way.

"I can walk the rest of the way myself, it's only a block. Thank you for walking me."

Yuki nodded back. "It was no problem, Hanajima-san." If she wasn't going to say anything more about his "waves", he wouldn't argue.

She began walking away, but turned back after a few steps.

"When you see that person…I hope that they don't try to crush you, Sohma-kun." She turned back and continued walking away, without bothering to wait for a reply.

Yuki turned for the direction that would lead to the outskirts of town, and the path to his home.

"Yun-Yuuuuun!" he heard a voice calling behind him. He turned to see an out-of-breath looking Kakeru running after him, most likely only catching up because he had stopped for so long.

"Jeez, how many times am I gonna have to chase you! The thingy's _tomorrow_! I'm going home with you, baka."

He looped his arm through Yuki's, square-dance-style, and pulled him forward to continue walking.

"How did you find me? I was walking Hanajima-san home, so I didn't take the usual route."

"I know! I couldn't find you outside, so I went to your last-period class to see if you were still there, and you're teacher said you went off with Hanajima. So then I had to run to go find that scary Uotani chick and find out where she lived, and then run away because she wanted to know why I wanted to know where Hanajima lived and I didn't answer, and she was gonna beat the shit out of me. And then I had to chase after you for like three blocks." He took in a huge breath, seeing as he had spoke quickly and was already out-of-breath.

"Sorry, dear, I wasn't thinking," Yuki said playfully, pecking him on the cheek.

"The things I do for love…" he muttered, pretend-angrily. "You're looking distraught, dahling, what's the matter?"

"Distraught?" Yuki questioned, an eyebrow arched. His vocabulary wasn'y usually that extensive.

"Hee hee…Machi taught it to me. But I bet she only learned it from _Nao_. Now, is Yun-Yun okay?"

"I'm fine. Didn't get much sleep last night, I'm just worn out," Yuki lied.

"_If they told you…that you were alive for no reason, would you believe them?"_

_I __**did**__ stand in front of a train for a three months…_

"_If they were to try and crush you, would you let them?"_

_Would I?_

"_If they were to strike you down, would you be able to fight back?"_

_**Would**__ I?_

"_When you see that person…I hope that they don't try to crush you, Sohma-kun."_

_So do I._

"_Yuki…There are people like Tohru-kun, who want to understand people's pain. Who want to help people in sorrow, but can't even begin to grasp it for what it really is. And there are people like me, who can pick it up, roll it around in our hands, completely feel and comprehend what it is, but don't wish to be burdened with it. I'm afraid you've got the short end of the stick, being the one who holds those sorts of troubles. All you can hope for is someone who can fully understand it, __and__ cares enough to help you." _

Yuki looked over at Kakeru, smiling so innocently and lovingly at him. Yuki smiled back, pulling him just a bit closer to him as they walked forward along the path to Yuki's home.

_In the midst of all this, at least…at least I have someone like that._

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**Sorry. I know that wasn't "big stuff". Next chapter for sure, cuz they're goin' to the mainhouse then. I've had enough of these suspense-building chapters, myself. I thought they would go to the mainhouse this chapter, but I looked at it, and it was the perfect spot to fit Hanajima in again (I had plans for her from the beginning to pop up a few times). I got the 19****th**** furuba (mooched it off of a friend. My story makes even less sense now…oh, well. 'tis the place for completely off-base fanfiction). If that was Kakeru's mom at the end, she looks pretty much like I pictured. I think Natsuki's drawing-style has changed quite a bit. Heads are so much rounder…haha. Yours who is contemplating faking sick tomorrow (but sadly can't because she has sports practice and will get kicked off the team),**

**Psycho Sombrero.**


	16. Chapter 16

Konichiwa, all

This chapter is longer than the rest. You can thank me with reviews, maybe? I admit, I stuck Haru here as a shameless excuse to muddle the sleeping arrangements. But, Haru's here around, so yayaz! I did not grammar check this as much as I should have, I admit it, so there may be some mistakes. Apologies for that.

I played around with third person a bit more than usual in this chapter, and maybe the past couple. It helps my "voice" if you know what I mean. The song below quoted below called "Dashboard" really is quite good for the indie genre. Definitely recommended.

Please review, and please enjoy!

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Recap:

"_If they told you…that you were alive for no reason, would you believe them?" _

_I __**did**__ stand in front of a train for three months…_

"_If they were to try and crush you, would you let them?"_

_Would I?_

"_If they were to strike you down, would you be able to fight back?"_

_**Would**__ I?_

"_When you see that person…I hope that they don't try to crush you, Sohma-kun."_

_So do I._

"_Yuki…There are people like Tohru-kun, who want to understand people's pain. Who want to help people in sorrow, but can't even begin to grasp it for what it really is. And there are people like me, who can pick it up, roll it around in our hands, completely feel and comprehend what it is, but don't wish to be burdened with it. I'm afraid you've got the short end of the stick, being the one who holds those sorts of troubles. All you can hope for is someone who can fully understand it, __and__ cares enough to help you." _

_Yuki looked over at Kakeru, smiling so innocently and lovingly at him. Yuki smiled back, pulling him just a bit closer to him as they walked forward along the path to Yuki's home._

_**In the midst of all this, at least…at least I have someone like that.**_

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_Well we scheme and we scheme but we always blow it_

_We've yet to crash, but we still might as well enjoy it_

_Standing at a light switch to each east and west horizon,_

_Every dawn you're surprising,_

_And the evening was consoling_

_Saying "See it wasn't quite as bad as"_

_Well, it would've been, could've been worse than you would ever know._

_-Dashboard, by Modest Mouse. _

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_Mom—staying at a friend's house for the weekend. Be back Monday night. _

The note hung idly stuck to the refrigerator.

Kakeru's mother lay passed out on the couch. She would not read the note, and would not notice his absence unless she had. In such a case, she would force herself not to care. All the other men had left her in her life, why should she give a shit if another one did?

Kakeru left it, being almost fully aware of this. However, he had still thought to himself _What if? _What if she DID notice he was gone, and he left no explanation? He would only be worsening their relationship. He couldn't imagine that he could dig the grave of their parent/child relationship any deeper, but if he couldn't imagine it, then there was something mysteriously scary about the possibilities.

And so, he always left notes explaining his absences, just for the faint glimmer of hope in the back of his mind that said, "Maybe things will be different someday".

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Kakeru stood in the Sohmas' bathroom, admiring his shirtless self. Though, phrasing it in such a way implies self-absorbed-ness, he was not admiring the self he considered sexy, but his arms. The arms that were once adorned with red scratches were now relatively smooth. Several red lines remained at the worst, albeit one or two that the doctor had said probably had been too deep for the marks to ever completely disappear. That kind of sucked, but it wasn't so bad. They weren't too noticeable. He could pass them off as birthmarks or some sort of accident from when he was small. He had thought at first that he might look at them and see them as painful reminders of some sort, but had decided that while it would make sense for someone to feel that way, it really wasn't effective in his case.

_See, Yuki? I'm solving this all on my own. I can still protect you, even though I'm this way…_

Kakeru pulled his nightshirt on over, and walked out of the bathroom, flipping the switch off as he left. He had forgotten so many things while he was dealing with his inner conflicts.

_Off to find Yuki! _

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Yuki lie on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

Tomorrow was the big day. The day they would go to the Mainhouse. _It'll be fine…_ Yuki reassured himself.

Something else had been troubling him, though. He had pushed it to the back of his mind, knowing that it wasn't a current problem, but in his near unconsciousness (it was growing quite late), he could feel it slowly creeping back to his main center of thought.

Kakeru had done so much for him, he had made everything so much better, he had made Yuki so…_happ_y. He was practically a miracle worker, for Christ's sake.

But they were still in highschool…most highschool relationships never lasted that long, let alone forever. Yuki couldn't get rid of the feeling that this was all only temporary. How long could it last, he wondered.

Yuki couldn't picture himself with anyone else. He could be attracted to other people, but he didn't know if he could ever really be _with_ anyone else. Which meant that if their relationship met its demise, Kakeru would be the one leaving him.

The worst part was all the good that Kakeru had done for him…all the happy, meaningful moments they'd shared would only serve as painful reminders of what he no longer possessed. And what if all he'd done for him was reversed? His current happiness, confidence, and self-worth was all based on the fact that _someone_, let alone someone Yuki loved more than anything, loved Yuki. Claimed he couldn't go on without him. Almost as if his existence was intertwined with Yuki's…Basically, if someone Yuki held so highly in his mind held Yuki highly in _his_ mind, Yuki got an inevitable sense of self-worth. But if Kakeru were to decide Yuki wasn't anything to him anymore…would Yuki even be able to go on? Would he be back at the train tracks, seriously contemplating an early demise this time?

It wasn't that Yuki was completely healed from Kakeru's magic touch…maybe he wouldn't ever be _completely_ better, or totally measure up to an average person's standards, but had he had never dreamed that he would even have gotten as far as he was.

As good as it felt…it was incredibly dangerous to have so much riding on a relationship.

"YUN-YUUUUN!" Kakeru, standing in the doorway, clad in a long-sleeved black shirt and a red and green pair of boxers, broke Yuki's morose chain of thought. He wrinkled his nose upon seeing Yuki's attire: a pair of flannel blue pajama pants and a worn-looking, slightly large T-shirt that seemed to have some sort of writing on it that had grown faded and indiscernible throughout the times.

"What?" Yuki questioned, sitting up.

"You're pajamas aren't sexy at all!" Kakeru pouted.

"You're one to talk. What's sexy about plaid?" Yuki countered. Kakeru grinned a devious smile that Yuki knew all too well. He ran over to Yuki and tackled him immediately, pushing him strait back down to his former back-flat-on-bed position.

"Mmph!" Yuki grunted from the sudden impact.

"You tell me!"

"…" Yuki looked to the side resignedly, while Kakeru grinned even wider in triumph. He rolled to the side, off of Yuki, however, looking symmetrical to Yuki's position with his feet hanging off the bed. Yuki looked over to him curiously. He usually had more groping to do after getting into that particular position…

"So, I already know your family's full of nutcases and you're all magical animals or whatever…" Kakeru started, painfully blunt, "but is there anything I need to know before tomorrow? Anyone special I need to stay away from?"

"Akito," Yuki responded, right off the bat. "Hatori—he's skeptical enough as it is…oh, and Kureno—he's this tall, skinny guy with brown hair, and he's probably near Akito. As long as you lay low, you should be good otherwise."

"Great. Now I'm gonna be paranoid of all the tall, skinny, brown-haired guys I see. Better safe than sorry, I guess. What does Akito look like?"

It had just occurred to Yuki that Kakeru had never even met Akito. He was probably picturing some big, tough guy, from hearing all the damage that he had done.

"He's got black hair and kinda shifty eyes. He's…petite." Yuki mentally scolded himself automatically for using a word like that to describe "God". It seemed as though it was a word more suited for a woman, which made him feel like he was being disrespectful.

"What, like short or scrawny?"

"Both."

"Hmm." Kakeru was silent for a moment. "Hey, you know Tohru?"

"Yeah," Yuki replied, though he hadn't thought about Tohru much for the past couple weeks. He felt a bit like a traitor, near replacing her with Kakeru. He would talk to her the next day for sure to make affirmative that he wasn't mad or anything along those lines.

"Her and your cousin are going out, I think," Kakeru said abruptly. Well, it wasn't abruptly, but it seemed to be as the words had so much impact. Yuki sprang upright.

"Tohru's with _Shigure?!_ That manipulative, pedophilic son of a…" Yuki could picture them together at that moment, Shigure giving her empty, meaningless compliments and vows of love; her being too dense to see that they had no meaning and too nice to turn him down.

"Yuck, no! Not that _old_ guy, I'm talking about Cat-boy," Kakeru said, considering late twenties—early thirties "old".

"Oh," Yuki said, feeling relieved but very stupid that he would think he had meant Shigure. "Kyo's not exactly my cousin, so I just sort of assumed you meant Shigure."

"Oh. I figured he was your uncle or something…but, yeah, I heard them talking kind of like they were going out or something."

"Hm. I guess that's good for Kyo," Yuki replied. He wondered if maybe his brain hadn't yet grasped the full meaning of that. No, it understood everything. Then why wasn't he freaking out? Or even a little surprised? He answered this himself.

_Because you already knew, baka._

Yuki was unusually in touch with himself.

"That makes sense. He's been a lot less annoying lately."

"Was he ever that bad?" Kakeru questioned. Kyo had just sort of been a sour-faced fixture in the backdrop whenever he came to Yuki's house. He never seemed to say much or have any impact.

"We used to fight a lot. He's got a bit of a grudge against me." That was a pretty big underestimate, Yuki decided immediately.

"Why?" Kakeru wondered if he was prying too much.

Yuki realized that Kakeru was fairly ignorant to most things about his family. He had told him so much more than he'd ever told anyone else, he kept forgetting there were still things he didn't know.

"Kyo's the cat. He gets excluded even from the zodiac and related events, and we're outcasted enough as it is. I mean, it's _really_ bad for him, and a lot of stuff hasn't and won't ever go right in his life because of it. And as the story goes, the rat duped the cat into being excluded, which would be me."

"That's stupid," Kakeru snorted. "I guess his life sucks, but _you_ didn't do anything. Your great ancestor-rat or someone did"

"His mother committed suicide. She said before or in a note or some variation that she might have been able to move forward if her child had been a rat or something." Yuki's head turned to the side. He hated feeling so guilty. Kakeru immediately recognized that sort of emotion on his face.

"That's still not your fault. You couldn't control what his crazy mum did." Kakeru knew better than anybody that the thing guilty people need to hear the most is that it wasn't their fault.

"Thanks, but I think he _has_ to blame me."

"Why?" Kakeru questioned, hoping that Yuki wasn't sincerely that guilt-ridden.

"If I wasn't the bad guy…who would be? Who else could he blame?" Yuki said thoughtfully.

_If he couldn't blame me…he might only blame himself. _

"Your too nice, Yun-Yun," Kakeru said, sounding more concerned than admirable. "But I overheard some other stuff. Apparently if he doesn't beat you, he's going to be locked up."

"Confinement?" Yuki blinked a few times. He'd never had any idea that he had a say or bearing on Kyo's miserable future.

"I guess. Don't they mean the same thing?"

"Yeah, but…okay." Yuki lost that train of thought, as he drifted off into his own. His mind immediately formulated a plan.

_A loophole? Does God make loopholes? _

"I guess Kyo's lucky, though. I always thought those two looked like they'd end up together."

"Yeah. She'd probably make a good girlfriend."

"I might be a little jealous if _you_ weren't already my butt-buddy," Kakeru said, snickering.

"Yeah…ugh. Do you have to use that term?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"First of all, it implies that we're _doing_ things. Secondly, usually people only use it when they're _making fun of_ gay guys."

"Why does it have to be gay guys? Strait folks can do it like that, too, y'know."

Yuki had no response for that. He didn't really want to get into an argument of that genre.

"Yuki," Haru appeared in the doorway. Yuki also scolded himself for careless leaving the doorway open while Kakeru had been on top of him.

"Haru? I didn't know you were still here."

"My stuff was still here from last night. Your house is closer and comfier than the 'inside'. You'd know I was here if you hadn't been off with your wrestling partner all this time…"

"Okay. Well, what do you want?" Yuki asked, wondering if he had phrased it a bit rudely.

"I need my beauty sleep now. I wanna know if Kakeru's taking the couch, or is he sleeping in _your_ room?" The corner of his mouth just barely twitched, but he was obviously pleased with his skill for making those sorts of implications with logical backup to them.

Kakeru looked over at Yuki questioningly with an arched eyebrow and a wide grin. "_Am_ I, Yun-Yun?"

Yuki ignored the innuendos and looked back over to Haru. "Where are you supposed to sleep if he takes the couch?"

The two spare rooms they had used to have had been occupied by Tohru and Kyo for quite some time.

Haru thought for a moment. "The bathtub."

Yuki sighed. He was too tired. It was too late. "Okay, Kakeru's sleeping in here. Haru, you get the couch."

"I feel very special. You two have fun." The stairs creaked and an audible thump was heard, most likely him crashing on the couch since he was already half asleep.

"Wow." Kakeru actually looked a bit surprised.

"What?" Yuki allowed himself to lye back on the bed. He was as tired as Haru was. How late was it…?

"Yun-Yun dropped the old maid act just for me." He dropped down next to Yuki and turned his head to face him.

"Huh?" Yuki was indeed falling asleep. He wasn't so dazed that he couldn't understand the definition of "dropping the old maid act", but the context it was placed in confused him.

Kakeru looked thoughtful for a moment. "You'd look kind of cute in a maid's outfit, actually."

Yuki was beyond confused. "Sure. Why not."

Kakeru studied Yuki's face a little closer. Kakeru had always been fairly awake and agile at night (which took quite a toll on daytime Kakeru's abilities), but he could tell Yuki was far from it.

"Okaaay. I think it's beddy-bye time," Kakeru concluded, studying Yuki's half-closed eyes.

"Mmkay," came the half-baked reply.

"You're lucky I'm such a good guy. Sleepy Yuki is like drunk Yuki—if drunk Yuki even exists—I could easily take advantage of you right now."

"No you couldn't…" Kakeru chuckled. Sleepy Yuki was indeed the equivalent of drunk Yuki. He got up from the bed, giving Yuki a chance to move to a more comfortable vertical position. He then took a pillow off the bed and dropped it to the floor.

"You…you can sleep in the bed, you know," Yuki said, slightly worried of what sort of implications that may have made.

"Sure it won't be squished?"

"Nah." Yuki was pleased at his being considerate (and the fact that Kakeru wasn't taking it as a "good to go" sign), but he only had so much time before he would pass out.

"And you're sure the family won't be worried if they find us in bed together?"

"Eh…Kyo wouldn't catch on, and Shigure won't be up before we are."

"Okay…" Kakeru hesitantly got up from the floor and slid under the covers next to Yuki. He acted like a dog that had gotten an extra piece of meat for dinner. He kind of felt that way, too.

"Goodnight…Kakeru…" Yuki mumbled.

Kakeru settled in, putting his arm over the covers and his other hand beneath his pillow, deciding to be comfy though he wouldn't fall asleep for another hour or so. Speaking quickly before Yuki nodded off, he managed to get in, "Sweet dreams, Yun-Yun."

Far from it.

_Yuki was terrified. Was there any way out of this? His eyes darted around the room, searching for some hope that the man who was slowly unbuttoning his shirt wouldn't have his way. _

_**Damn…I don't want to lose it like this…**_

_The whole thing seemed bizarre, really. Yuki had always heard about things like this happening, but never really considered it would ever happen to him. _

_He noticed the large hands that had been firmly lain on his shoulders were no longer there. His father was now unbuttoning his own shirt. He could see the door behind him. He'd be running out of the room half-naked, but it would be worth it to get away… If he was just fast enough…_

_**This might be my only chance…**_

_Yuki quickly ran to the side, catching himself to make a sharp turn for the door. His father quickly noticed this, smiling in a way that suggested he was amused with his son's futile attempt, and took a mere five large steps to grab Yuki's arm about five feet away from the door. He slapped Yuki across the face and pushed him down. _

_**How might things have been different…if I'd just made it out that door? **_

Yuki woke up breathing heavily, with beads of sweat forming on his forehead. He always dreamed about things he was scared of. Usually they were things he was afraid would happen, not unfortunate things that had already happened. Maybe this was the case, though. Maybe he was afraid it would happen again, when he went to the mainhouse.

He hesitantly allowed himself to drift into sleep again. Half way asleep, he saw his father's face. He preferred an exhausted reality to his horrifying subconscious. Though his sleepy body argued, he forced himself to wake up, once again breathing heavily.

However, upon awakening from his nightmare, he found that Kakeru's arm was tightly wrapped around his torso.

"Go to sleep, Yun-Yun," he muttered, pretending to be near asleep instead of wide awake. "I'll keep the bad vibes away."

_I'll __**protect**__ you._

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By the time Yuki had reawaken for the second time, Kakeru was still watching the red numbers on Yuki's alarm clock change. It was fairly late, but not by his standards.

Kakeru had never liked sleep very much. Not at night. He was just naturally over-energized at night, and then everything got quiet and died down before he did. He felt a bit left behind, which made his mind in its somewhat subconscious state panic. There wasn't really any deeper meaning behind his insomnia other than too much energy at night, but he still found it rather irritating and almost a scary process to try and go to sleep. He never imagined that it would actually be scarier once you actually fell asleep.

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By the time Yuki's mind was thinking "ugh, what time is it?, Kakeru was already awake and dressed. And fed. He had to hand it to Tohru, she could really cook some good breakfast. Being somewhat deprived of food, he had happily eaten more than he probably should have. He'd only slept for five hours or so, which was enough to get through the day with, but he would still probably be a bit drowsy. Being up most of the night, however, made you fairly awake in the morning. Still, Kakeru hoped the Mainhouse would be a bit far away. He could sleep on the car drive there.

"Rise and shine, Yun-Yun!" he opened the blinds, hoping to complete his "get up and get cheerful routine", but nothing came through. It looked horribly overcast outside.

So, he shook Yuki's shoulders, repeatedly shouting "Wake up!", which proved more effective. Yuki dazedly got out of bed, and stumbled over to his closet. He grabbed a shirt and a pair of pants at random and made his way to the bathroom. He was the type to get ready as quickly as possible, then fall back asleep on the couch until he had to _really_ wake up.

Yuki really could have been drunk the last night, he certainly seemed hungover. Kakeru made his way to the other bathroom to make sure his hair was neat, his teeth were brushed, and such. He wanted to make as good of an impression just in case he was caught at the mainhouse.

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Yuki looked in the mirror, and combed through his hair. He looked presentable. His shirt and pants were close to matching.

Would his idea really work? How would it sit with Akito? Would Akito even find out? Would he do it by fighting? No, that would be painfully obvious. If his current plan didn't work, he could always explain it later.

He felt that he should prepare more for an event that could have been potentially life-changing, but he simply didn't feel like contemplating anything of the sort. If he thought about it too much, he might decide it was a bad idea. Kyo would be confined soon, if he didn't act. By all means, it was a now or never situation. So he went downstairs, preparing the prophetic words that would be spoken, in a highly inappropriate and impromptu matter.

"Tohru, I love you."

_Crash! _

She dropped the plate she had been grabbing from the cabinet. Yuki-kun…loved her? What was she supposed to do? What was she supposed to say?

Kyo, sitting at the table where he _had_ been eating breakfast, stared at the two, dumbfounded. He wanted so badly to intervene, and break that damned rat's neck, but…their relationship was supposed to be a secret. He would give it a moment. Maybe Tohru could get herself out of this one… He would only give it a little time before he stepped in.

Yuki took her hand and held it to his face.

"I want to _be_ with you." _God is going to be very angry with me if I pull this off…_

"Yuki-kun…" Tohru's face flustered.

_What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?! I can't just tell him no, I can't hurt him like this, I just…But him and Manabe-san were…he can't be cheating on him! What do I do, what do I do?!_

"I would, really, but me and Kyo-kun are already…!" she blurted it out, pulling her hand away and covering her face.

"It's okay," Yuki reassured her. He felt bad about how stressful her role in this must have been. "I'm okay. Everything's going to be fine."

Kyo got up from his seat and stomped over to Yuki. He was officially going to lose it. He had come onto Tohru, and _made her cry._ Now Yuki knew everything, so it didn't matter if he let loose a little, right?

But, before he could raise his fist, Yuki spoke the prophetic words he had known he would use from the start:

"I guess you beat me to it."

Kyo blinked a few times, his fist slowly lowering down. _**Beat?**__ Did he just say I __**beat**__ him?!_

Kyo prepared to start laughing, to start dancing, to rejoice with everything he had! He had expected today to be horrible, but what had happened?! He had beat Yuki! He wasn't excluded from the zodiac, he wasn't going to confinement, he wasn't…

He dropped to his knees abruptly.

"…_and God would never break a promise…That is what this bond is made of." _

_That's what it __**was**__ made of._

He felt tears streaming from his eyes. Something inside him was breaking. Tearing apart. Self-destructing. He had a feeling it was something that could never be repaired. He was torn between emotions. Being free of that something was very relieving, and yet it was destroying a part of him that had always been there. His feelings were so contradicting to each other, he didn't know what to do. He completely broke down for a moment.

And then it left. He'd felt it destroying itself, and the remains lain within him for a moment, and then it was gone.

He began breathing heavily. He was still crying, as the feeling had not worn off, but he became aware of his surroundings. Tohru and Yuki were staring at him worriedly. He tried to speak for a moment, but chocked on his words. He tried again:

"It…it left. It's gone." He got up from his knees, still breathing heavily in amazement at what had just happened.

"What?" Tohru asked.

Kyo responded by embracing her in his arms, without consequence. He removed the bracelet from his wrist. It left an imprint in his skin. He would never put it back on.

Tohru hesitantly wrapped her arms around his torso. She sobbed happy tears into his shoulder. He might have complained if he weren't doing the same.

He'd never felt this happy in his entire life.

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**I worry that the thing with Kyo was too sudden, but I'd been planning the whole scene for some time. I made no reference in my beginning A.N., because I was sort of hoping it would just be like BAM! OMG! **

**I'm sorry they didn't get to the mainhouse yet, but I gave you some pretty big drama right there! It seemed like the right spot for this, and this chapter is already really long on my word thingy. I realize that Yuki was not really in love with Tohru and that Tohru knew he was with Kakeru, but that little fact makes more impact later on in the story. Reviews are appreciated, and they would definitely encourage me to update faster. **

**Yours who is feeling rather manic depressive and using that as an excuse as to why it took so long to update, **

**Psycho Sombrero. **


	17. Chapter 17

Refer to the beginning of chapter ten to get some explanation about Akito's status with Kyo

Refer to the beginning of chapter ten to get some explanation about Akito's status with Kyo—The part in italics about "God".

I _told_ you Kyo and Tohru's relationship had bearing on the story. Oh, ye of little faith. I'm not taking the time to do recaps on most of the chapters following this one, as most of you have probably read the previous chapter. I made a cannon, which is something I don't like to do because it makes me feel like I have to improvise a lot to make my ideas work, but he doesn't have much bearing, so I guess its okay. Think Shigure drives a mini-van? I do.

Please review, and please enjoy!

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Sometimes, you know the outcome of something will be bad and you get a horrible feeling, knowing what's going to come, as the time for it ominously impends. The feeling you get when you have absolutely _no_ idea what's going to happen, however, is much, much worse.

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The car ride was long and quiet. Kyo and Tohru sat in the back, silently in aftershock. They both seemed faintly happy, though. Shigure drove, Haru had long ago called "shotgun". They both seemed suspiciously aware of the silence. Kakeru and I sat in the back, the row ahead of Tohru and Kyo. I'd told him what had happened, but he didn't seem like he really knew what to make of it. I guess he knew it was pretty big, but I don't think he knew just _how_ big it was. A curse breaking was unheard of. There weren't any other known cases to most of the others or me.

Part of me was jealous, I guess. Kyo didn't have to live with the curse anymore. He wasn't bound to anyone or anything. He could leave anytime he wanted to. Being the cat, though, I knew he deserved it more than anyone. He'd always had the worst role. The curse didn't disrupt my personal life as it would have his, anyway.

Then, the question of how long he would stick around came to mind. Not to mention, why was he even still with us? It seemed as though he would have left as soon as he could, without anything holding him back anymore.

At first, I was a bit skeptical, but I saw him hug Tohru and take his bracelet off, so I was pretty certain he was free. It was absurd, really. I had only done it with the intent that he wouldn't be placed in confinement. And then his curse broke all together. The oddest part was the fact that I had hardly done anything. I didn't really love Tohru, not in such a way. He hadn't truly beaten me. The curse had broken based upon lies. For the first time in my life, I was seriously questioning the "bond" and how strong it really was. Most of all…if Kyo's chains broke so easily, did that mean I might have a chance to be free, as well?

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"Ah, home, sweet home!" Shigure exclaimed, stepping out of the car.

"Hardly," Kyo snorted, though he didn't seem to have his usual heart into it.

"Manabe, Tohru, you two go with Haru. He'll hide you, Manabe, out in his house for an hour or so, until the banquet begins, and Tohru will have some place to go instead of loitering around and looking shady." To Shigure's disappointment, Tohru still too drowned in thought and aftershock about Kyo to catch that and stammer apologies. "As for the rest of us, its time to go greet God!"

"_God?"_ Kakeru whispered questioningly to Yuki.

"_Akito,"_ Yuki whispered back. 

"Riiiight. So, Haru, what's your house like?"

"An organized mess. Come, come." He grabbed Tohru and Kakeru by the elbows and guided them on the opposite path.

Shigure watched them go off for a moment, then turned to me and Kyo.

"You've both been unusually quiet. Is something going on?"

"No," Kyo said quickly. Shigure raised an eyebrow.

"That response was too quick…I'm watching you two." He headed off onto the path to Akito's house and beckoned with his hand for us to follow.

Kyo walked at a slower pace, and grabbed my arm to keep me in step beside him. Once Shigure was far enough ahead, he released his grip and turned to me. He smiled slightly. His eyes were much lighter than they had been before. It was truly amazing to be able to witness that sort of transaction in a person—going from being bound and imprisoned to being completely free. From the kind of person who stomped around and "kicked people's asses" to the sort of person who happily smiled.

"What are you going to do? Do you even know?" I asked.

"I'll stay until graduation. After that, I'm outta here. Don't tell Akito or anyone yet. If they don't figure it out, that is…"

That was an interesting concept to me. What if Akito already knew what had happened? Was the link between us strong enough that he would know?

"Why stay until graduation? Why not leave now?" I asked, though I was pretty sure I knew that answer.

He put his hands in his pockets and thoughtfully looked up to the sky.

"Well, you already know about Tohru," he said, smiling sheepishly. "I'd never just leave her here. And I don't really have anywhere else to go right now."

"You planned everything out in the past half hour?"

"I always kind of thought about what I'd do if I ever got out of here. I've thought about running away a_ lot_, you know."

I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm certain we'd never talked that civilly before.

"Think we can call things even?" he finally asked, breaking the silence. "I don't want to leave on bad terms." He extended a hand.

He had a way out now. As great as things were for him, this alone wouldn't ever solve everything that had happened to him. Even if I had felt like things _weren't_ "even", I never would have _told_ him that they weren't.

"Sure." I shook his hand.

"Yuki…" he made eye contact, which was a bit unusual for him. "Thank you."

I nodded. Maybe he knew that he hadn't really won anything. Maybe he didn't. I got the feeling that it wouldn't have mattered. At this point, things were what they were, regardless of how they came to be that way.

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"…SOOO, this is my mess of a room, in which you will be hiding out," Haru explained to Kakeru. "Tohru, you make yourself comfortable wherever, but don't let anyone see Kakeru."

"Yes!" Tohru exclaimed, bobbing her head in agreement. She wondered if it would be insulting to clean up Haru's room just a little bit; books, clothes, and other random object were strewn about. It really was a "mess of a room".

"Great. Kakeru, you can sneak into the main banquet when you see other people going through the window over there." He pointed to what looked more like a hole punched through the wall than a window on north side of his room. "Well, I have to go meet up with 'God' for some pre-banquet time now."

"Have fun, Hatsuharu-san!" Tohru waved him off, as he walked out. As soon as the words left her mouth, she remembered that Akito wasn't a very fun person, and considered that she had been inconsiderate. Oh well. It was too late to stammer an apology to Haru now.

"So what all happened in the kitchen?" Kakeru asked bluntly after Haru had gone. He plunked down on Haru's unmade bed and patted his hand on the spot beside him. He had a feeling Tohru would have just kept standing there if she didn't feel invited. "Yuki gave me a brief summary of what happened, but I don't really get it."

Tohru had almost forgotten about that. How could she let herself almost forget about _that?!_ It was so important! She mentally smacked herself in the head.

"Um…"

"Just tell me what happened, and what you remember seeing," Kakeru clarified, as she seemed to be confused on what she was supposed to say.

"Oh, um…well, I was getting a plate out of the cabinet for Yuki's breakfast, since I thought he'd be coming down soon, and then I just suddenly heard him say he loved me (I didn't even know he was standing behind me, so I got scared) and I dropped the plate, and told him Kyo and I were together already, because I just panicked, and then Yuki told Kyo he 'beat him to it' and Kyo fell and started crying, and then he hugged me and took off his bracelet, and I guess his curse is broken, and…I'm so happy!" She spoke rapidly, taking a few deep breaths.

Yuki had already explained to Kakeru that he had only proclaimed love for Tohru so Kyo could "beat him" at something, but he still felt a slight pang of jealousy shoot through him when it came to that part of the story. Not having been knowledgeable of the curse for more than a month or so, he couldn't _fully_ grasp how big of a deal it was, but he still knew it was something of a milestone.

"But, I'm still a little confused, Nabe-kun…" Tohru said hesitantly.

"Hm?" Kakeru had been off in his own thoughts about the situation for a minute or so.

"I thought you and Yuki-kun were…together?" She absentmindedly started folding a stray pair of socks on the floor.

"Yeah…" At first, he couldn't see what she was getting around to. If she hadn't completely figured it out from catching the two of them after the student council meeting, he would have no choice but to conclude that her mother had hit the bottle a little too much during her pregnancy. But, she was still staring at him questioningly, waiting for an answer of some sort. Oh, right. There was the matter of _how_ Kyo had won. Basically, he had won the girl. She must have been confused on how Kyo had won the girl if his competitor didn't even _like_ girls.

"Oh." Kakeru chuckled. "Yeah, we are. No, trust me, Yuki's gay. He's _very_ gay. He just wanted to keep Kyo out of confinement, so he made up something for him to win with."

"How did Yuki—

"I told him. I overheard you and Kyo talking a few weeks ago and I blabbed. Sorry about that."

"Eh? But, if you hadn't, then Kyo's curse wouldn't have broken!" exclaimed Tohru. After a moment, she covered her mouth and started giggling.

"What?" he questioned, a bit confused. She stopped laughing and smiled.

"Its just that I always thought the curse was this big, strong, serious thing, and it just…broke. Over something that wasn't even true."

Kakeru had never taken the idea of a group of people who turned into animals that seriously. He hadn't really thought about it enough to realize its unreal-ness. None of it had seemed that amazing to him for some reason, and nor did Kyo's curse breaking. He knew it meant something, he just couldn't feel it meaning anything to _him_.

After another following silence, Tohru excused herself to go make some tea and made it known that she would return shortly.

Kakeru leaned back against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. No matter how hard he tried, he really couldn't grasp everything that Kyo's curse breaking seemed to mean. If he couldn't understand something so big and yet so seemingly simple, he wondered in dismay how much of the Yuki's life he would _ever_ be able to understand.

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Seeing Akito was always scary. Ever since I could remember. He never looks the way you see him when you think about him. In person, he always seems to look so much different. He's a little smaller, a little scarier, his hair's a little darker, and his eyes—especially his eyes. When you think about him, they're very vague and you don't really see them; whenever you see him in person, though, they just seem to pierce right through you.

Shigure had informed Kyo and I that he'd been more reclusive than usual lately. Imagine my surprise when he actually came out of his room and greeted us at the door.

"Welcome, welcome! Come right in, the others have already arrived." Akito stepped back from the door and gestured towards the others who were already seated, cross-legged in a semi-circle.

It seemed much more lively than usual. Ayame seemed to be chattering incessantly to a rather worn-looking Hatori, who had Kagura speaking swiftly about one of her college courses on his other side. Rin sat against the wall, attempting to ignore Momiji, who was pointing to a piece of candy and seemed to be explaining something about it. Kisa was quietly rambling about something, while Hiro seemed to actually be trying to pay attention. Haru was talking to Ritsu, who was nervously twisting a string of hair. I wondered how Haru had beaten us there when we had been so far ahead of him. Without us noticing him walk past, no less. Haru was intriguing like that at times.

Kyo's usual air of distrust had been replaced by a pure air of confidence. I guess he had nothing to be afraid of if he wasn't under the control of "God" anymore. Once again, such a quick and dramatic transition really amazed me. He plopped down next to Momiji and seemed to be inquiring about the piece of candy he was holding. Momiji happily complied, and left Rin to her lonesome in favor of Kyo's company. Shigure resided next to Hatori and I went over next to Haru. Haru explained why Momiji was so excited over the piece of candy (apparently, it was not only from Switzerland, but also hand-crafted, and consisted of an unnatural flavor combination). Akito sat down among us, looking oddly pleased, and much calmer than usual.

"Quiet!" he demanded after a few minutes. And there was silence, even from Kyo. "It's that time of the year again," he said, as if it were something pleasant. "I think this year's banquet will be especially delightful!"

A happy Akito was rare. A truly happy Akito, that is. When he got like this, it seemed that his apparent jovial attitude was only leading to an outburst. Either way, there's nothing to do but remain quiet.

"_Because_," he continued, "I think there's something _different_ about this year! I'm not sure what it is, but I can _feel_ it. Does anyone else know what it is?"

Kyo quickly glanced in my direction, most likely thinking the same thing I was. _Does he know? _He turned his attention back to Akito.

"No? I guess no one else knows what's changed, then. We'll just have to wait and find out, then, because I know _something's_ different this year!"

Did he know? Was he taunting us? Would there be more trouble if we didn't tell him immediately? I wasn't chancing it, because, selfish as it was, I knew I (the one who'd essentially broken his curse) was the one who'd be in for it. Kyo could get away, he wasn't stuck here any longer than he wanted to be. But _I_ was, and I didn't want any more punishment from Akito. I wouldn't risk telling him if he didn't know.

"Well, then, let's head out and let the banquet begin!"

The rest of the banquet went as usual. Hatori and Momiji did the performance. Hatori was none too enthusiastic. Momiji was _over_-enthusiastic. I guess I should have been happy that Akito hadn't figured what that "different" thing was, or at least if he did, he wasn't "punishing" anyone for it just yet. But, I was really just worried about how Kakeru was doing the entire time.

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Kakeru was a little unimpressed with the "banquet". He'd been expecting something grander. It was really just a huge room with all the Sohmas, fold-out tables, and crappy food. It was a bit like a Church luncheon.

"Kakeru?"

Kakeru's food nearly fell out of his mouth. Who was that? Who here could have known his name? Him and Tohru had decided to space out away from each other so he wouldn't stand out anymore than he already did, so it couldn't be her. He decided it would be best to acknowledge where the voice came from, and focused on who was sitting in front of him.

It was a boy. He had brown hair that was longer than it should have been, nearly black eyes, a slender form, and a rather large bruise on the left side of his face. He looked familiar, but Kakeru couldn't quite pinpoint who it was and where he'd seen him before. The boy was staring at him expectantly. Apparently Kakeru was supposed to know him well enough to immediately be aware of who he was.

"Hey…you!" he said, hoping that sounded convincing enough. The boy arched one eyebrow. Obviously, it hadn't. Kakeru couldn't help but attempt to arch just one eyebrow. He concluded that it was an impossible task, and that this boy must have magical powers of some sort. _The other people in this family freakin turn into animals, and this kid has magical eyebrow raising powers…it's not __that__ far-fetched. _

"It's me, Mikio!"

Kakeru blinked. The name sounded extremely familiar, but it still wasn't registering. The boy leaned forward.

"From _group_," he said, more quietly.

"_Oh_," Kakeru replied. "_Now_ I remember."

It made sense that Kakeru wouldn't easily remember him. He usually let his mind wander off during group, and was only half-paying attention. It wasn't particularly enjoyable if he let himself be "all there". Some of the people that talked had pretty depressing lives. He vaguely remembered Sharon introducing him to Mikio and saying they had similar issues. Similar issues? Was he also a bastard with an alcoholic and negligent mother?

"Yeah…so you're a Sohma?" Mikio questioned, looking a bit surprised.

At first he thought Mikio must have been stupid to think that, but he remembered surnames weren't required in group. He rarely did anything that wasn't _required_ for group. Plus, Kakeru had to admit, this was an incredibly large family. Maybe it wasn't so much that it was bigger than average, but that everyone seemed to be gathered around the same general area. In either case, it seemed like it would be pretty plausible to miss a head or two.

"Yeah…I don't think I've seen you around much before. Are you new here?" he mentally kicked himself the moment he finished that sentence. What a stupid thing to say! It made no sense whatsoever.

Mikio laughed, though. "No, I've been around for a while. Actually, my dad married into the Sohma when I was like three. You might have seen my step-mom around, she works at the…"

Kakeru stopped listening at that point. Mikio was thinking aloud more than he was really explaining anything to Kakeru, he wouldn't notice if Kakeru nodded and said "yeah" every once in a while. Kakeru often distracted himself by staring at noticeable fixtures on people's faces when he wasn't listening to them, or counting their zits or something. He usually tried to find something on the forehead so it would look as if he was making eye contact. However, he couldn't stop looking at the large bruise on the side of Mikio's face. He first thought it was from a fight of some sort, but he couldn't figure an angle that someone would swiftly hit him that far back on his head.

It slightly bothered Kakeru seeing someone from group when he wasn't actually _in_ group. Firstly, he didn't like the idea of doing anything group-like more than he needed to. Secondly, he never thought of the people in group as real people. In his mind, he sometimes referred to them as "crazy", which was, for the most part, a forbidden term to use. But Mikio seemed pretty "normal". It had never occurred to him that they had lives outside of group.

"…SO, that's why I never go to my mom's work anymore…"

"Mm-hmm…"

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The banquet came and left as usual. Nothing really unusual happened, which was good, because I was expecting something really bad to happen. I was nervous about how Kakeru had done, whether he had been caught, who he had been talking to (I knew he couldn't go for that long without talking to_ someone_).

The regular New Years Celebration lasted a bit longer than ours' did. I decided to go back behind the building it was held in and wait. At the back of the building, I slumped down, back against the wall. I looked up at the sky. It was still dreary and overcast. I usually liked days like this, but today, it seemed depressing for some reason.

I heard someone coming. At first, I assumed they were Kakeru's overly jovial footsteps, although it seemed odd that he would know where I was already. Was the main banquet out already? It seemed a bit early.

I looked up to see who it was.

The man standing there wasn't jovial.

The main banquet wasn't over yet.

It wasn't Kakeru.

Smoking a pipe and wearing quite an inappropriate smile, stood my father.

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I am sorry, but I'm holding review ransom. Five reviews have to come in before the next chapter goes up. With as many alerts as this is on, I know it's more than possible. Did anyone catch what was going on with Mikio? I thought that would be best if not over-emphasized. I picture Yuki's father like Cain's in "Godchild" (hence the pipe). GOOGLE IT for a mental image. Yours who is happy summer started and also to be back from vacation and now using THAT as her excuse for the long time between updating,

Psycho Sombrero.


	18. Chapter 18

**Oooo, **_**drama. **_

**I dedicate this chapter to Carrie, even though she's not reading it, and to all the Carries out there who are having a rough time—y'all are some tough kids, and we need ya here.**

**SOMEONE better get what's going on with Mikio this time! I've dropped every necessary hint. If you still don't, it might come up in a more obvious context later on. Whenever I envisioned Yuki and his father's part in my head, I put "Sweet dreams" by Marilyn Manson playing, right at the part where it goes "I wanna use you! And abuse you! I wanna see what's inside of you!" I'm kinda mean… **

**Please review, and please enjoy!**

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_When you try your best, but you don't succeed  
When you get what you want, but not what you need  
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep  
Stuck in reverse_

_And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you can't replace  
When you love someone, but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?_

_Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you_

—_Colplay ._

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_Recap (__okay, so I DID do another recap, contradictory to last chapter's proclamation, but I wanted to make sure we're all on the same page here__):_

_The banquet came and left as usual. Nothing really unusual happened, which was good, because I was expecting something really bad to happen. I was nervous about how Kakeru had done, whether he had been caught, who he had been talking to (I knew he couldn't go for that long without talking to someone). _

_The regular New Years Celebration lasted a bit longer than ours' did. I decided to go back behind the building it was held in and wait. At the back of the building, I slumped down, back against the wall. I looked up at the sky. It was still dreary and overcast. I usually liked days like this, but today, it seemed depressing for some reason. _

_I heard someone coming. At first, I assumed they were Kakeru's overly jovial footsteps, although it seemed odd that he would know where I was already. Was the main banquet out already? It seemed a bit early. _

_I looked up to see who it was. _

_The man standing there wasn't jovial._

_The main banquet wasn't over yet. _

_It wasn't Kakeru. _

_Smoking a pipe and wearing quite an inappropriate smile, stood my father._

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"Long time, no see, Yuki!"

I couldn't believe it. He was always in my dreams and my dark places, and that was horrible enough. But, here, in the flesh, _right fucking in front of me?_ That was too much. My brain couldn't handle it. I couldn't move or think or do anything but watch him.

"What? No hug for your old man?" I remained still and silent. I didn't even wonder what he was going to do, really. Or _if_ he was going to do anything. I didn't think about _anything_. I just watched.

"What, don't you remember me?" I hated that smile he always wore. "I came looking, just for you. _Shigure_ seemed to think you'd be happy to see me when I asked where you were." He started walking closer to me.

Even when he didn't know he was doing it, that stupid dog _still_ managed to fuck up people's lives. I stood up. He was only a few feet away now. My brain may have been mostly frozen over, but I still knew I wouldn't be able to escape if I was already sitting down.

"What's wrong?" he asked. He was still walking closer. It suddenly hit me that I didn't need to be there. I picked up my foot and turned, hoping to make a run for it. He swiftly grabbed me by the shoulder, twisted me around, and slammed me back against the wall. My head hit and actually bounced off a little. The back of my head hurt like hell. Would this be worse now because I tried to get away? He put an arm out to the wall space by each of my shoulders. Now I was trapped to some extent. I could still smell his pipe. He himself reeked of the smoke. Now I remembered why I always hated it when Shigure and Hatori smoked around me.

"Are you _scared_ of me?" That damn cat was always bitching about how it wasn't fair that I was such a good fighter with such little practice, so why couldn't I fight back now? My brain started telling me I needed to move, but the rest of me was still in too much shock to cooperate.

He grasped my hand. I cringed at his touch. The whole thing seemed so unreal, my mind just wasn't processing it. He was as real of a fixture in my mind as he needed to be, he didn't need to be in front of me, dammit!

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Mikio talked. A lot… Finally, Kakeru's short attention span got the better of him, and he had to put it to an end and change the topic.

"Hey, where'd you get that bruise?" Kakeru questioned, as if he had been asking where his shirt came from.

Mikio blinked a few times, dumbfounded. _Where on earth did he get the nerve to ask a question like that?_

"So, I think we can get rid of our plates now…" Mikio said, getting up. Kakeru felt jolted. _That was weird…_ He thought. However, he went to throw away his plastic plate and the remainder of his food in one of the many trash cans lined up against the back wall.

He didn't bother trying to find Mikio again. They hadn't bonded that much, really, and he wasn't particularly fond of the overly talkative boy. Instead, Kakeru tried his best to blend in with a gaggle of people heading out the door.

He searched for someone he knew once he got outside. Yuki was his first priority, but he spotted Shigure first. He ran over to him.

"Where's Yuki?" Kakeru asked, sounding slightly nervous. He didn't see him anywhere amongst all the people.

"He's around that corner," Shigure said, pointing a finger to the building and veering his hand to the right as if to line the path out for him. "But, you may not want to go right now. He's conversing with his father."

Kakeru's eyes widened, and he immediately off ran without any explanation whatsoever. Shigure watched, not entirely clueless as to why.

He felt something tap on his shoulder and turned around to see Hatori.

"I'm leaving now," he said simply.

"Where are you going?" Shigure asked curiously.

"I'm not really sure," he admitted before he walked the path towards the gate.

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His brought himself closer to me. He knew what this was doing to me. Again. He knew why I couldn't move. More importantly, he simply knew _I couldn't move_. I wanted so desperately to push him away, to punch him the face, something, _anything_. Just as long as he got away from me. But I couldn't. I couldn't do anything.

He brought his head closer to mine. Grinning even wider, he whispered, _"It's our anniversary."_

I felt like vomiting right at that moment. He brought his lips a centimeter away from mine. After everything that had happened, all the improvement I'd made, why did this have to happen? Why did _he_ have to happen?

_Whap! _

I suddenly felt his grasp on my hand let loose. It took me a moment to realize no part him was touching me any longer. I was relieved, but bewildered at what possibly could have happened.

I looked to see him stumbling backwards to the right, looking rather disgruntled. For once, he seemed to actually be angry, as opposed to his usual sickeningly relaxed demeanor.

"How'd ya like that, ya old pervert?!" I looked to my left to see Kakeru standing there, bringing his fist down, and panting angrily. I'd never seen him lose it like that. He looked dangerous, like he might do anything. He glanced at me and swiftly came to shield me.

My father smirked and steadied himself, seeming to regain his composure. "You're a bit interruptive, you know."

This seemed to enrage Kakeru more so. "Don't fuck with Yuki! I'll beat your ass if I have to."

"Trust me, kid, you don't wanna get in a fist fight with me." Kakeru swiftly maneuvered a side kick to his head, which banged into the wall behind us. A spot of blood began to trickle down the side of his head.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…_ I had never been that angry at Kakeru before. What if he got hurt? I wouldn't know what to do if anything happened to him. My father was pretty big man… Even though he was only trying to protect me, it made me so angry that he would endanger himself like that.

"I see. So you have a guard dog now, do you, Yuki?" my father said smirking. "What would Akito think? I know this kid isn't from the Sohma."

Kakeru clenched his hands harder. He was too stubborn to take that as a hint to back down. I was still too stupefied to do anything.

My father grinned challengingly for a moment. Then something strange happened. His eyes widened, and for a moment, he looked…scared?

"Put that thing down!" he yelled. His wavering hand pointed to something behind us. What could possibly shake my _father_ that badly? I couldn't resist turning around to see. Kakeru followed suit.

Standing behind us was Kureno. And he was holding a gun.

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Hatori rarely got a chance to flee the Mainhouse during or after New Years' Celebrations. Something always seemed to go wrong, and he would have to stay to console Akito. He disliked this chore, as Akito was not exactly one of his favorite people. However, something was different about him this time. He thought he might as well make the most of it.

And life at the Mainhouse had been suffocating lately. Not for any particular reason, but simply because Hatori was growing tired of it. He remembered being young and thinking as soon as he was legal, he would run away and never turn back. But turning eighteen never allowed him that sort of freedom. It didn't seem so bad, day by day, but when he realized that he would be there his whole life, the question _What's the point?_ came to mind.

So, he took advantage of this opportunity and drove his car into town. He had no plans made, so he simply decided to put his car by a parking meter and walk to the nearest park. It was a nice day, and, though, the clouds made it somewhat darker than usual, the park still had a sort of beauty to it at near dusk.

He resided at a park bench, tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and let his mind be at ease. It was a nice day, he had some peaceful time alone, why worry about anything else? But, nevertheless, the same question came to his mind that had repeatedly for the past two years: _Where do I go from here?_

"Hatori?" Hatori's head jerked up to see Mayu-chan standing on the sidewalk in front of him, carrying a few shopping bags. The same way a student who had been caught sleeping in class's would have jerked up, Mayu-chan noticed. She sat down beside him and set her bags on the ground.

"Hello, Mayuko," he said cordially. "How have things been?"

"Oh, they've been pretty good. Work's going fine, my Dad's getting out of the hospital soon."

"That's great," Hatori said, though his voice lacked the enthusiasm usually attached with such a statement. It was okay, though, Mayu knew he was still sincere. A silence followed, as neither of them knew what to say.

"Hatori, I don't…is this okay? I don't make you think of _her_, do I?"

"No, you don't, it's fine. Time goes on," he replied, though he inwardly laughed a bitter laugh at his sad self. _**Everything**__ makes me think of her…_

"Okay. How's Shigure doing?" she asked, obviously at a lack of something better to go on.

"Same as he always has," Hatori replied, feeling no further explanation was needed. Mayu suddenly remembered her connection with Shigure. She'd never fully explained that to Hatori.

"You know, me and him weren't ever really…we weren't _really_ together."

"That's relieving," Hatori said. He'd never been able to imagine why a girl like Mayuko had settled for someone like Shigure. Mayu's eyes widened for a moment. At first…just, at first, it had sounded like he meant it was relieving that she hadn't been with another man. But, of course, he hadn't meant it like that, she realized. Hatori realized the slight implication, as well. But he felt it would be rude to say it _wasn't_ so.

He looked over at her.

And that made Mayuko think about how she really felt about Hatori. It would have made her undeniably happy if he had meant it in such a way. She needed to move on, she realized. But what was she supposed to be moving on from? They had never been together. He'd never even formally rejected her. She'd just assumed that it had been Kanna, and was Kanna, and always would be Kanna. She'd been crying easily or for no reason lately, not caring much about her appearance, or knowing what to do with herself. She'd been lost for some time. What made her say it, she didn't know, but she said it, nonetheless.

"Hatori…I don't know where I am…or where I'm going to be…or anything like that."

He listened and watched intently. He always listened when someone seemed serious enough to talk that personally to him, but he was pretty curious as to what she was going to say.

"I don't know where things are going from this point. I don't know if anything matters anymore, so maybe that's the only reason I'm letting myself say this but…" her eyes were welling up with tears already. "I would do anything for you…I…I _love you_…" she whispered.

Tears were streaming down her face. "**I love you**," she said again, more loudly, almost admitting it to herself more than to him. Though, she knew the outcome would be a polite "thanks, but no thanks", she felt as if a world's worth of pressure had just been taken off her shoulders. It was a mix of relief and despair.

"Mayuko…"

Hatori looked over at her and _saw_ her. She looked different than usual. Her hair wasn't in a ponytail as usual, it loosely fell around her face. She wasn't wearing a T-shirt and long pants or jeans like she usually did when he saw her. She wore a worn knee-length dress, that looked as if it had been thrown on in a hurry. She wasn't wearing make up at all. He wasn't sure if she ever did, but still. And she was crying. She would actually _letting him_ see her cry. He'd never seen her look this careless. At that moment, she wasn't very pretty, but she was _real_.

And here this girl sat, bearing her soul to him, afraid and already feeling rejected. She so bravely put her heart in his hands and let him decide what he would do with it. But she already seemed to be convinced that he would crush it.

He'd never thought about Mayuko much before. But now, clad in her wrinkled dress, and undone hair, and puffy, red eyes, presenting herself as she truly was, without the layers and lies that even the most sincere people wore…Hatori thought she was the most amazing person in the world.

He wanted nothing more than to embrace the crying girl in front of him.

_As broken as it may be…we only have this one life to live._

Hatori put his hand down on her shoulder, and cupped her cheek in his hand. He pulled her head towards him. She blinked a few times in bewilderment. He tilted his head to the side, and leaned in, and, allowing the consequences and impact of his actions, he kissed her, and she kissed back for quite some time. All the while he wrapped his arms around her, without consequence, as did she.

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Kureno aimed the gun at my father. I guess it should have, but the situation didn't scare me. The gun was pointed at my _father_. Worst case scenario, _he_ would be shot. I was half-hoping for the worst case scenario.

"You wouldn't…" he said, not sounding too confident. Kureno's fierce exterior told a different story.

"Get out of here." Kureno said sternly, through clenched teeth. I looked at my father, waiting to see what he would do. My father's face tightened, and he seemed to have a most likely irritating comment prepared.

Kureno cocked the gun. My father's face, once again, took on a scared expression. He silently walked past us, beyond the corner of the building, the eye of Kureno's gun following him through his entire route.

It always seemed to me that a man such as my father would not value his life, or his existence. That he would be the sort of person with nothing to lose. But, on the contrary, he valued his life _so _much, that he sacrificed his will of power for it. He could have stood there and proven a point. But he walked away with his tail between his legs.

I'd never cared one way or the other for Kureno, really, but at that moment, I may have gotten down on my knees and praised him, had he requested it. Of course, Kakeru also got his cut of the credit. But I'd been to _worried_ about him to be thankful at the time.

Kureno uncocked the gun and slid it back into his unreasonably large pocket. Did he carry that on him _all the time?_

There was silence for a moment. Kakeru looked around, seeming to question _why_ there was silence. He suddenly smiled broadly and began to clap his hands wildly.

"Go random guy with the gun!" he yelled quietly, as not to be heard. Kureno seemed indifferent to his applause. He brought up his hand to signal silence from Kakeru, who complied without any hesitation. Kureno looked over in my direction.

"Stay away from that man." He said simply, before turning to walk away.

I would have left it at that, but I suddenly remembered that it was _Kureno_.

"Wait!" I said quickly, "Are you going to tell Akito about Kakeru?"

"Let's just leave me under the impression that he's a Sohma I'm not familiar with, and there's nothing _to_ tell," he said, and then finished making his exit around the corner of the building.

0000000000000000000**Kakeru's POV**00000000000000000000

I'll never forget the way Yuki sank down to the ground and leaned back against the wall the moment that man left. Maybe everything that had just happened was beginning to sink in. Silently, he allowed a tear to slide down his cheek.

It was ripping me up inside, thinking of what that must have been like for him. Was he reliving what had happened before? What was going on inside his head? I was afraid to ask. I wished that that man _had_ shot his father. I'm sure if _I'd_ had the gun, I wouldn't have been _able_ to stop myself.

I sank down beside him. He wasn't saying anything. I wouldn't ask him to. I put a hand forth that was, at first, going to rest around his shoulder, but I drew it back. It was my first instinct to wrap my arms around him and hold him against my chest. But I remembered how some people didn't like to feel people touching them after this kind of stuff happened to them. I wouldn't risk him ever confusing the feel of _that man's_ touch with mine.

"I'm not made of glass," he said quietly. "You can touch me."

I hesitantly wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. He didn't resist, but he was very still. I had kind of expected him to lean against me, or lay his head on my shoulder.

"Are you okay?" I asked. I immediately regretted asking it. Of _course_ he wasn't okay. He remained silent, his eyes blank, sans of emotion. I don't think he had even heard me.

He was wrong when he'd said I could touch him. He always resisted letting me hold him, letting himself put down his guard, but he never completely rejected the idea and closed himself off. I wasn't really holding him. I couldn't really touch him. I see that he was breaking down, but I couldn't really hold him or change anything. Wherever he was, I wasn't with him.

"Yuki…" I whispered, "its okay to be upset or whatever." I'll never forget the way he looked up at me when I said that, blinking a few times as if to question if it was _really_ okay.

"Why does this keep happening?" he whispered. "I'm still just a toy."

For once, I didn't know what to tell him—how to explain to him that he just had a horrible family. I didn't think that would make him feel better. He was stuck with these people, after all—"bound" to them, even. He looked up at me again. I guess I was usually good in these situations, but I had no idea what to do here. Nor will I ever forget the feeling of uselessness that overwhelmed me. He laid his head down against my shoulder. I ran my fingers through his hair.

"You're _not_ a toy," I whispered.

I could feel him trembling against me. As hard as I thought on it, I couldn't find anything in me to put him back together at that moment. He hadn't talked like that about himself in such a long time. He had been so confident, and had this sense of self-worth that had made me happier than anything in the world to see. Now he was falling apart again, right in front of me. And all I could do was hold him in arms that he couldn't feel.

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**Kakeru's POV? That was a nice change, unreasonably short as it was. Yuki's father has to have the pipe, because like every evil guy in history had a pipe. Also, he's based on Cain's father from Godchild (as was previously mentioned), and he had the pipe always present. I have a friend who's in a situation like Yuki. Everyone around her is an asshole and they keep screwing her over, and she keeps blaming herself and insisting she has some sort of personal flaw, even though she's **_**such**_** a great person. **

**So, once again, I dedicate this chapter to Carrie, even though she's not reading it, and to all the Carries out there who are having a rough time—hang in there, guys, the world would suck major ass without you. **

—**Psycho. **


	19. Chapter 19

**THIS chapter is dedicated to anyone who has ever self-harmed. I do a bit of online counseling (helping other people, not myself), and I'm more than happy to help anyone who's struggling with SH issues. That being said, I suppose you know what's coming in this chapter. But, then seriously, who **_**didn't**_** see this coming for a while? **

**Please review and please enjoy!**

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_Blacken the sun!_

_Oh, what have I done?_

_I feel so good, _

_I feel so __**numb.**_

—_Rob Zombie. _

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Kakeru's POV

After some time of him leaning against me, that orange-haired kid came to tell us it was time to go. We were both leaning back against the wall, Yuki was leaning onto me with his head laid on my shoulder, and I had my arm strung around his shoulder. Yuki was just staring up at the sky, still not seeming to be with the rest of us. He didn't seem shocked at the two of us that close or Yuki's distraught state. We did nothing to prevent him from seeing us that way, either. He just told us it was time to go and Shigure was starting the car up, and went back around the corner.

Yuki got up and wiped the side of his eye with his sleeve, where he had cried just a little. He smoothed his hair out with his fingers, and put on his usual indifferent exterior. He walked around the corner, and signaled with his hand for me to follow, which I did. I couldn't blame him for being upset. It was like reliving his shitty childhood. I wondered how often he hid his tears like that.

The ride home was painstakingly loud. Only Tohru spoke, though. She chattered incessantly about a nice girl she had spoken to at the banquet, and how pretty and interesting she was. Kyo threw in a polite word every now and then. Me and Yuki sat in the back. He nodded or shook his head when Tohru occasionally said something to him, and just stared ahead or out the window, otherwise. I know it wasn't his fault, he was just caught up in his own thoughts, and he had a right to be, but I felt really cut off.

When the car pulled up at their house, Shigure, Tohru, and Kyo immediately got out and slammed the car doors. Shigure even clicked the doors locked with his remote on the keys when he reached the front door, while we were still in the car. I never trusted that guy. It was like he knew that something bad had happened, yet he was so uncaring. Yuki's reactions had slowed, so he was still sitting there, undoing his seatbelt, and I wanted to talk to him alone for a minute.

"Yuki…is this going to be alright? Are you going to be alright?" I asked quietly.

"Nothing happened…you saved me, after all." He gave a small smile, which really surprised me. Yet somehow I knew it wasn't genuine.

"Forget about that. Now, seriously, are you okay?"

"I…don't know. I just…I need to be alone right now. That's all."

I felt _incredibly_ shut out right then. But I couldn't force him to rely on me, or look to me for help.

"Okay. I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow, then," I said, opening the door. I went out, and he followed suit.

"Yeah. I'll see you tomorrow," he said, nodding, shutting the car door, and walking towards his house without another word.

I turned and walked down the path that led back into town. I didn't want to leave him. But I couldn't help him right then.

And that's when it started sinking in. _I couldn't help him._ Upon that realization, I felt so completely useless, I can't even put it into words. I hadn't thought about how I should have gotten to him sooner, before his father got that close. I was too busy trying to make sure Yuki was okay. But now it just hit me…I didn't really save him. He was so affected by it, and all I could do was stand by and watch. And the guilt that came with that…it was truly overwhelming.

I had been a source of strength for him up until then, but what was I now? I was useless. I couldn't help him. I couldn't stop his tears. I was completely fucking worthless. The whole bus ride home, it was just gnawing at me inside, how useless I was, and that guilt…guilt was completely destroying me. Guilt had always destroyed me. I couldn't have been there sooner to stop that old pervert from touching him at all, making him relive everything, I couldn't help him now that he was falling apart (because of something that _I_ failed to prevent), and I couldn't do a damn thing about it. Somewhere in me, reason insisted that what Yuki's father did was not my fault and reminded me that I had no way of knowing that something was going on. But that completely unreasonable side argued that I was trying to cut myself slack, which only served to add to my remorse. Furthermore, I hated that I was thinking about this being my fault, when I should have just been worried about Yuki.

I got home, and walked in the house. I announced my return, but, of course, my mom didn't care. No, wait, she wasn't home, I realized. But that didn't matter. She wouldn't have cared, had she been home. Why should she have? She was just another person I had let down. I was always letting people down, I couldn't ever measure up to what I should have.

I walked into the kitchen, deciding to get something to eat. I didn't really know how I was still hungry after all that food at the banquet, but I was. I opened the fridge up; Nothing in there but beer and coke. Mom must have gone grocery shopping. _Who the hell goes out for groceries and nine o'clock?!_

Oh well. I wasn't really hungry, I decided, I'd just thought I could distract myself if I was cooking something. And then I thought how weird it was that I never realized why I did things prior to my doing them. Oh well. None of that mattered. I couldn't focus enough on anything else to keep myself from falling into that horrible trance-like state that always fogged my mind and made me do things I shouldn't have. I couldn't think clearly. I hated it when I couldn't think straight, it took the edge off my emotions and I was filled with them at the core of what they really were: guilt and self-loathing in their purest form.

My eyes fell on the silverware drawer. I opened it without delay and I put my hands in and carelessly rummaged around. I was just searching for any sharp object, I may have settled for a fork if I'd had no other options. But to my sickening delight, I fell upon a very large knife that looked like it would have been useful for cutting through very thick meat. It puzzled me why we possessed such an item, as my mother hardly ever cooked anything, let alone chopped anything up. Oh well. I was just happy we _did_ have such an item.

I was too eager to even go up to my room or the bathroom. My mother wasn't there, and she wouldn't care even if she found me, so it didn't matter, right? I rolled my sleeve up. I couldn't fight this. I wasn't strong enough, I decided. I couldn't even win a fight against my self. Sharon and group would be disappointed in me, I thought. Yuki would be torn apart if he ever found out. I couldn't think about that, though. I wanted it so bad that I just had to push those thoughts out of my mind.

I never brought the blade to my skin immediately. I would always let it hover above my arm for a moment or so. Maybe because it gave that rotten part of me that took over, when I wasn't thinking right, a thrill to know what was about to happen. And that rotten part wanted the feeling of this deranged happiness to last as long as possible. Of course, I could only let the blade linger in the air for so long before it reached the point where I couldn't stop myself from bringing it down upon my skin. I had to really force myself to pull the blade out and not make the gash any deeper. And so the first laceration was made. A few inches away from the back of my wrist.

And it felt _good._ As if for all the weeks that I'd not made a single scratch, I hadn't really quit doing it, but I'd just been holding back, waiting for this moment to come. This one glorious moment, where everything would fall apart. The pain calmed me so much. It made me feel _so_ much better to know that I was being punished. That I was getting what I deserved. It made that monster inside me so incredibly delighted, that I couldn't stop right there. I inflicted three more wounds, in swift motions, all in about two minute minutes. I was just thriving off that glorious pain. There was so much blood…but not enough, it seemed. I still didn't feel as if I'd redeemed myself. The guilt and self-loathing were still lying there, waiting for more action to be taken, and that rotten monster wanted more punishment to come.

I'd always avoided my wrist, if at all possible, for fear of losing too much blood. But now…Now, I wanted to lose as much blood as I could and be in as much pain as possible. I knew how much come from my wrist. Much more than I had at the moment, of course. There was no turning back now. I couldn't simply put the blade away and stop there.

I couldn't stop myself. I brought the already dirtied blade down upon my wrist and came on it vigorously. It hurt so bad. I felt so at peace with myself right then. That was my penance. I was making up for all the things I'd done wrong. In the few moments before I lost consciousness, everything felt so incredibly right.

00000000000000000000**Yuki's POV**00000000000000000000000

I felt like shit. I couldn't explain why, but I felt like **shit.** I shouldn't have been feeling that way, right? My father had been stopped, Kakeru had saved me, I should have been happy. But I felt horrible and dirty. All over again, everything that happened…it was too much to bear. I couldn't even talk to Kakeru about it yet. I just couldn't think right. I didn't want to do anything yet.

And I was confused. What had happened with Kureno? How had he known something was going on, and why would he protect me like that?

I just couldn't fathom anything right then. I watched TV, read, tried to take my mind off things for about two hours, but I couldn't concentrate. I just wanted to go up to my room and go to sleep. But then I thought of Kakeru. What if he thought I was mad at him? I'd practically told him to just go home… I didn't want him worrying anymore. He was worried enough as it was, what with all that had happened and me not giving him any explanations or talking to him, really. And I felt a bit guilty. So I decided to give him a call.

He'd given me his home number once…a long time ago, just when I'd first started student council. It was still in my notebook. He'd been hesitant and said not to call a lot, because they had a sucky phone company or something. I hadn't called before, so I decided it would be okay.

I got up and went out in the hallway to our phone hooked up to the wall. I tried to read my handwriting in my old notebook. I wouldn't have scribbled it down so carelessly had I thought I'd ever actually be calling it. After two wrong numbers, I finally figured out that all the sevens were ones.

One ring.

Two rings.

Three rings.

Four rings.

I wondered if I should have hung up then.

Five rings.

Six rings.

And I was about to hang up.

"Ugh…_hello?_" a woman answered, as though I had just woken her up. It was around nine 'o clock, sure, but it still wasn't that late. Not late enough that she probably would have been asleep for very long.

"Ergh…hi, this is Yuki Sohma. I'm one of Kakeru's friends…could I talk to him?" I felt silly about it, being so shy, but the woman who answered scared me for some reason. Maybe just because she sounded so cranky.

She muttered something about having told him not to give their number under her breath and then called his name. Her voice was high and shrill. It gave you a bit of an earache.

"Kakeru! Come here!" she yelled. There was a silence._ "KAKERU!"_ she yelled louder, as if she were commanding a dog to sit.

I heard the phone clunk down without any explanation and footsteps. And then I heard her scream. I heard her footsteps coming back hurriedly.

"I…I need to use the phone, s-sorry…" she muttered just a bit indiscernibly. She sounded rather upset. And then the phone clicked.

I thought it was all kind of weird, but I didn't think much of it for some reason. I thought maybe he'd forgotten to do the dishes, or she had a call to her work to make, or something stupid like that. I shrugged it off and went up to my room to go to sleep.

00000000000000000000**Third person**0000000000000000000000

Kakeru's mother stared at her son, lying on the floor, with bloody lacerations all over his left arm and a pool of blood forming from where his wrist was. She hadn't thought Kakeru was at home then, but when she came back from her grocery shopping, there he was. She could see the blood still coming out, and the large knife that had fallen not too far from his other hand. This was bad. He was alive, as far as she could tell, but this was very bad. She had called for an ambulance. They would be there soon. She wondered if it was rash to call the ambulance, that maybe the situation wasn't that severe, but she wouldn't chance it. She wondered if she should move him or prop him up, or wrap up the wound on his wrist. But she was so afraid she would screw something up, that there was some vital yet seemingly insignificant thing that she would or wouldn't do, and that would be the death of her son. She knew how unlikely that was, but she wasn't taking any chances. She would wait for the professionals to get there so they could handle it correctly and make sure nothing was messed up.

She had been angry at her son for years, but she never once wanted him _dead_. It appeared as if _he_ did, though. She could only look back and blame this incident on her self, how she had treated him, what she had done wrong. She still blamed him for everything, her miserable life, because she really felt like it would have gone better if his actions had not been what they were, but she never wanted **this.** She knew somehow that she was being a bad mother, that it wasn't the right thing to do to just take things out on her son, that a _good_ mother would have sorted through things and forgiven his flaws…but she wasn't a good mother, or a good person, and she knew that. To some extent, she regretted it. And she didn't have anyone else to blame. She never knew anything she had done had affected him this much. That maybe it was ripping him apart, that maybe it would really affect him, that maybe…it had driven him to a suicide attempt.

0000000000000000000**Kakeru's POV**0000000000000000000000

I've never liked mornings very much. I'm always so tired that the day seems like its not worth getting up for, no matter what's going to happen. And all the memories of the previous day, and where you are, and what you're life is come flooding back to you, and nothing seems very good.

The morning I woke up in the hospital was no exception. I couldn't even figure out why I was there until I looked over and saw my arm. I couldn't remember anything after trying to dice my arm the previous night. My wrist had this weird bandage-cast on it with these metal clips to keep it on tight, which was very uncomfortable, and it rubbed the wound in a way that made it hurt. I must've passed out, I decided. And then someone found me and brought me to the hospital. How humiliating…it made my stomach churn, thinking of someone finding me like that, in that state. I must have looked horrible. I couldn't pull off the cat scratch excuse this time. Now someone I probably knew would actually _know_. A lot of people were suspicious, I guess. I was always wearing long sleeves, even when it was hot outside, and I even wore under armor in gym class. I often said it kept me fair-skinned as an excuse, but I'm sure the few people who've seen my sleeve slide down or caught me changing for gym, or whoever I had to make a cat scratch excuse to, knew that something was going on. But still, no one could confirm anything at school. But HERE, someone had actually seen me lying in a pool of blood with a knife in my other hand. Now, how was I supposed to explain that?

But who would've brought me? Oh, man, what if I had gotten there myself and I couldn't remember it? That would have been way too creepy. My mom, obviously, might have done it. I thought it was unlikely, though. I mean, I was sure she didn't care. But whether she hated me enough to leave me alone to a small chance of death, I wasn't sure. I doubted she would just let me die. It was more debatable whether she would have been able to judge the severity of the gash. Yeah. Chances were it was my mom. But that confused me, even though it seemed plausible that she wouldn't want me to die. The thought of her bringing me really bothered me. I was still pretty sure she hated me, and its never a good idea to let people who have something against you see your weaknesses; this was probably my biggest.

So now I was mostly up to date on what had happened. I had lost control, lost consciousness, and, probably, lost my dignity to whoever had found me. How was I supposed to look at my mom again with her knowing that I did something like that to myself?

I was left in that white-walled hospital room, with nothing but my worry for about a half-hour. The door finally creaked open, very slowly. Whoever it was seemed pretty hesitant.

It was my mom. So she _had_ been the one who brought me.

"Kakeru…" she said softly, slowly shutting the door behind her. She hadn't spoke in such a…well, _not angry_ voice, in a long time. It was caring, almost. She leaned back against the door. There wasn't a patient in the bed on the opposite side of the room, so she could say pretty much whatever she wanted.

"Kakeru, what happened?" she asked, running her fingers through her hair. "Were you in an accident, were you attacked, what _happened?_"

"Yes, mom. I was attacked by our _blender,"_ I replied sarcastically. Her face twisted. I looked over at my arm. That was a horrible joke to make…

"Just…why? Why would you do that to yourself?" she whispered. She seemed to be in such a quiet shock. I'd never seen her this worried about me. A part of me was…happy? I knew that was wrong, being happy that I was troubling her so much, but apparently, she didn't hate me as much as I had thought she did. Enough not to leave me to what might be a potential death, anyway. But I couldn't answer her question. Why _did_ I do it? Well, I _knew_ _why_ I did it, but I still couldn't _answer_ her. I couldn't _tell_ her why. I couldn't tell anyone why.

When she seemed to see that I wasn't going to say anything, she hesitantly questioned, "Was this…Kakeru, were you trying to…to _kill_ yourself?" She choked on her words a bit.

My eyes widened.

"No…really, I wasn't," I replied, most likely unconvincingly. Nevertheless, she looked relieved, if only for a moment. She immediately shook her head again and ventured into the rest of her questionnaire.

"The doctor said…" she hesitated. Was she starting to _cry? _"The doctor said it looked…repetitive."

"…I'm sorry…" was all I could think to say. I _was_ sorry that I had put her through all this, I was sorry that I broke down again, I was sorry I'd fucked up everything I'd been working for, I was sorry I'd ever done something so stupid in the first place, and I was still sorry that I couldn't be what I needed to be for the people around me. But I couldn't think about that last one too much. That was what had drove me to this in the first place.

"Kakeru…you need help…" she said softly.

"I have help. I'm in group therapy at the health clinic," I replied. I wasn't usually proud to say that I was in therapy, either, but I didn't want to go through an unnecessary process of her pushing me into something because I wouldn't say that I was already in something else.

"Okay…Is this my fault?" she asked. She looked afraid to hear the answer. The question she'd been dreading to ask. I should have expected this question, but it completely caught me off guard. She _had_ driven me to it for some time, in the first year when we were always fighting…I couldn't blame it on her, but I wasn't sure what would happen if I pushed anymore blame on myself. I didn't know what to do.

She looked down and shook her head again.

"Why didn't you tell me you were this upset?" she demanded quietly. Suddenly, she seemed a bit more angry.

I could tell she was only upset because this was hurting her, but it still pissed me off. I couldn't just tell her, and I found it annoying that she seemed to think I could. It was hard enough telling a group of people that didn't even affect my everyday life. How was I supposed to tell the woman who caused most of this?

"Why would you keep doing something this _stupid?_"

"Well, it had absolutely _nothing_ to do with you're abusive boyfriends, you putting pressure on me, or you blaming all your fucking problems on me," I replied sarcastically. And that was when something hit me. Even through all the times I heard it in group, or I tried to reason with myself, I'd never really started believing that things weren't my fault. But when I realized what I'd just said, it seemed like they weren't _so_ much my fault. Why _was_ I always thinking things were my fault? Was I just trying not to blame them on mom?

"Don't pull that sarcastic shit on me," she snapped. It made little sense that she was getting so angry when she had _just_ asked if it was her fault. "If things were so fucking bad, you could've moved out instead of mooching off me!"

"You know, I have a _job_, and I've been helping with bills, incase you haven't noticed. And what was I _supposed _to do? Just leave you alone to get _more_ depressed and kill yourself or some shit?!" It felt weird defending myself. I couldn't even figure out why I was. It felt good, but I wondered why I couldn't think that way until I felt enough pressure that I had to. Nevertheless, that took an amazing amount of pressure off of me.

My mom simply shook her head again.

"Fuck it…we'll talk about this some more later. You didn't lose enough blood to need a transfusion or anything, but you still lost a lot…all they had to do was disinfect the cut and bandage it up. You almost broke a tendon in your hand, though. You have to keep that cast over your wrist for a few weeks, at least. It won't finish healing for a while."

"Then why am I still in a hospital bed?" I asked. It seemed a bit drastic that I was still there. I guess I didn't know what time I'd been brought in, but it was morning already, and it seemed more likely that I would have been able to go home before then. At least I wasn't wearing one of those stupid hospital gowns with a back-flap, though.

"You weren't _conscious_ until just now."

"Oh."

"You don't have to go to school. I already called and told them you were sick for the day. Do you think you can head back tomorrow, though?" she asked. Ugh. I couldn't stand people worrying about me like that; thinking that I was in a state where I couldn't even go to school.

"No, I'll be fine," I answered.

"Okay. We can go back home now, I already got the paperwork and everything worked out. You're as good as checked out."

"Alright," I said, getting up out of the bed. I was glad I wasn't in one of those weird gowns, so I could just pull my sleeve down and pretend the cuts weren't there like I always did. It seemed to make my mom feel a little better, too. We were quiet the whole way out of the hospital and on the bus ride home.

It was all too much. What had happened to Yuki was enough drama by itself, and then I had to slip up, and now someone I actually _knew_ found out about it, but then it seemed like she cared, so that made me feel a little better, but…I really couldn't handle all the feelings swirling around inside me and how contradictory they were to one another. What I would usually do when I couldn't handle my emotions was what had landed me in that hospital in the first place. Where was I supposed to go from here?

I spent the rest of the day at home, mostly sleeping and doing the homework I'd neglected that would have been due that day, had I gone to school. My mom came in and checked up on me every now and then. I was happy that she seemed to be caring about me, but it gave me a horrible feeling to think that she was making sure I wasn't doing anything else to myself.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do about school. If I didn't cover up my bandage-cast the right way, people would be asking me left and right what had happened. I'm sure someone else wouldn't immediately think anything like what had happened was what had happened, but people (especially kids) are incredibly nosy. I always hated it when people asked me what had happened. I easily made an excuse, but it still felt weird.

I decided that my school uniform's sleeves were long enough to cover up my arm. I just had to be careful to keep the sleeve down.

I thought that I would have been freaking out by now, realizing "OMG, I screwed up", which I was realizing, but I wasn't freaking out. I was in a very peaceful state of chaos. I was questioning whether I was really getting better, though. Was this going to happen again? It just scared me, because I couldn't control how I felt when I did it. And thus I wondered if I could really even control whether I would do it again or not.

I scared myself so much.

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"Ha-san? What are you doing here?" Shigure asked, staring at the unusually chipper-looking Hatori standing in his doorway. Usually he called or prearranged his visits.

"I need to stay with you for a while," Hatori replied.

"I'm _already_ running a boarding house here, so _sure_, why not add one more…" Shigure grumbled. "But why can't you stay at _your_ house? Is something wrong with your home?"

Hatori let on a smirk. Quite out of character for him.

"No, it's just…I'm afraid I don't have a home to go back to."

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**If you have a friend who is self-harming, please HELP them. Mine merely told me "just don't get any infections, and don't like kill yourself." Shitty point to be at in your life. As was said, I'm more than happy to help if you just PM me. **

**I got volume twenty today. Is Furuba reaching a pre-climax? I believe it is! Stupidly, I didn't know that Momiji was actually in love with Tohru. I had it in mind that he might be gay…but, seriously, if it was up to me, they all would be. I really have to hurry up and finish writing this thing before any more volumes come out and my story gets anymore off-base in information. I'm trying to keep it to a minimum of inaccuracies relating to the manga, but that hasn't gone over too well thus far. **

**I'm updating as best as I can. I have that job-type thing that's been mentioned, and I'm actually doing things with my friends this summer, and I might be joining a town art project soon…point is, I'm not as sans life as usual. And I've been uba tired. Sometimes I get home and just immediately fall asleep, and then wake up at three am, really confused about why its dark. I feel so old. Yours who wishes she didn't ramble on so much, **

**Psycho Sombrero. **


	20. Chapter 20

Okay, guys

**Angst angstety angsty angst! (did anyone get that?) Okay, guys. New chapter. Whoo. You know what? Secret, same-sex relationships are pretty fun! This new discovery is part of why updates have taken a while. **

I don't know if it was mentioned, but I just started a YukixKyo fic, and that's going okay, and it would be greatly appreciated if you checked it out. Yuki's getting raped again—ha! Go figure. My computer died recently. I just had it fixed, and now EVERYTHING that I had installed, downloaded, written, it's all gone. I had some of this chapter done, but now EVERYTHING in my Word is gone. I am sorry for the long delay, that is all I can say.

**Please review and please enjoy!**

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"Marshmallow glue!"

"_What?_" Yuki stared at his boyfriend bewilderedly. Kakeru had been somewhat solemn for the past few days, for reasons Yuki had guessed were pertaining to what had happened at the New Years' Celebration. Actually, he had been unusually serious for a while. But, now, a few days after, a Friday to be exact, he seemed to be back to his old, unreasonably random and impulsive self, as he stood in front of Yuki's kitchen counter, kneading a mass of baby marshmallows.

"It's not a good cake unless it has _marshmallow glue!_" Kakeru persisted, tentatively returning to the task at hand.

"Where and how do you even put that inside the cake?"

"A huge glomp in the middle! That way no one knows it's there, they have to _find_ it!" Kakeru explained, feeling quite pleased with himself for such an ingenious idea. "I don't know, but I'll force it in there somehow..."

"How many cakes do you plan on putting those in?"

"All the ones that we've baked!" Kakeru insisted.

"Why do you call it 'glue' if nothing's stuck to it?" Yuki couldn't help but wonder.

"Oh, but there _is _something stuck to it!" Kakeru said mischievously.

Yuki didn't want to learn anything more about the matter. If there were a few questionable cakes at the upcoming school bake sell, so be it, but he wasn't going to be an accessory for whatever Kakeru was doing to the cakes they had already baked. They had decided to make the baked goods required for the bake sell together; they could fill their "quota" insisted by Nao no faster with just one oven, but it was more fun than doing it separately. Besides, Yuki couldn't cook for shit. Not that Kakeru was an expert, but he could easily make things as simple as cakes; not that he liked to flaunt the ability, but Kakeru had done a fair amount of basic cooking in his day.

It was a good day for such things, as it had been storming and pouring rain outside since before they had even arrived home from school. In just the few hours that they had been home, Kakeru had more than once run outside and danced around in the rain. Yuki wished whatever storm was over their area would leave already; the weather had been dreadful for the past few months, with only a few sunny days here and there. And he was tired of Kakeru getting their floor wet.

Kakeru was happy to be spending the weekend at Yuki's house. Home was...awkward. His mother was being civil to him, but there was a sort of tension in the air. His mom was still worried, he could tell. But she wasn't used to being caring, trying to watch after him. She would just awkwardly ask how he was doing, did school go okay, and then he would say 'fine' or 'good' and she would say 'that's good' and be at a loss of any further conversation. Frankly, it had all been too much serious-ness for Kakeru. As severe states as he sometimes fell into, he didn't particularly like things getting so intense. So, he threw himself back into his world of carefree randomness. It wasn't that this was a fake persona, that personality was definitely a very important, very _real_ part of Kakeru. It just happened to be the only part he cared to display for the rest of the world, and often proved an escape route for his issues at hand.

So, he went to Yuki's house and danced in the rain and rambled on about how marshmallow glue would be beneficiary for student council, the customer, and ultimately, the entire school.

Kakeru had already worn Yuki out to some extent. He was a rather tiring person to be around when he was as he was, but this wasn't something so out of the ordinary--not for him, it wasn't. By all means, his hyperactiveness was just one of the many things that Yuki loved about Kakeru. Even if it _did_ wear him out on occasion, Yuki couldn't have been happier than he was while Kakeru guided his hands, teaching him how to make "marshmallow glue".

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Hanajima lay back on her bed, watching the rain slap against the window. It goes without saying that such a girl would be fond of that sort of weather. It left her in a calm sort of state. It was one of those moments that she felt incredibly at peace with things; a Friday afternoon, such calming weather, her headphones on, the smell of her mother's cooking wafting up from downstairs. It was one of those days that she may look back on someday, ordinary as it was, and start missing that era of her life.

She had long since decided that she wouldn't meddle any further in the business of Manabe and "The Prince". No, this was beyond her, she knew. Yuki had been in a state of utter confusion, Manabe had been completely _terrified _of something internal. And they were both desperately wanting a crutch to lean on, and yet they were trying to keep their individual turmoil from reaching one another. Lovely as it was, even Saki found their predicament a bit heartbreaking.

She could help them, perhaps, but she knew she wasn't someone who was meant to step away from the sidelines, and she'd done a fair amount of that lately. She looked at the world through a glass window; she saw things that no one else could, she heard things that no one would dream of telling anyone, let alone her. She knew things that she shouldn't, and it simply wasn't her place to step in. In all of her infinite wisdom, she knew that she was meant to be a bystander. That and nothing more.

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As much as Kakeru tried not to think about it, he couldn't get it completely out of his head. "It" being the thought of what would come next. He hoped that he could just stop his self-destructive habits, but he really wasn't sure that he could. Sharon told him that slip-ups were normal for people who had his "sort of issue", and it would just take a while to get used to not having that coping method to use. He found it annoying that she never came out and directly referred to his "problem" as cutting or self-harm. This sometimes made him wonder if she remembered who she was talking to and what his problem _was_, or if it was just that uncomfortable of a subject for her.

He noticed Mikio in group this time. He really wasn't quite sure what he was there for; it hadn't been his turn to talk during that "session". Kakeru was growing curious of the boy. More importantly, though, he was paranoid of the fact that he knew about Kakeru's problem, and he was a part of Yuki's family. It was a strict policy that what was said in group stayed in group, but that didn't insure that he wouldn't say anything. Not that Kakeru was all _that_ worried, he couldn't think of any reason that Mikio would say anything to anyone, but the whole situation was a bit scary. And he wondered if Mikio was curious about _him_. After all, he thought Kakeru was a Sohma. Would he notice that Kakeru wasn't ever on the "estate"?

Having Mikio around was just worrisome for Kakeru.

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Yuki didn't know why Hatori was there. He was sleeping there and eating their food, apparently, but he wasn't around the house much. When he asked Shigure, he simply responded, "I don't think he'll be around much longer. Better get your last words in soon."

Yuki wasn't really worried about it, but it piqued his interest just a bit. Hatori wasn't really the type to just stop by and visit, unannounced. And certainly not without reason. He knew something was going on, but wasn't quite sure what. Nor was he the type to care enough to investigate. He decided he'd just wait it out and see what came of it all. He wasn't aware that Hatori was no longer living with them.

At the moment, however, he was more suspicious as to why Kakeru wore long sleeves in an unreasonably hot kitchen, out in weather where he was sure to just get even more sopping wet, and come to think of it, at night and all year round.

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"Heh. So this is why we haven't been able to call you. That pathetic dog has been hiding you."

"I've got a job—I'm not telling you where, but I should be able to support myself just fine with a doctor's position. And I've got a girlfriend I'm moving in with—I'm not telling you who. It's over. I'm done."

"So, what? That's it? You're just leaving me?!"

"I'm sorry," was all he could say.

_**CRASH! **_

The vase narrowly missed his head.

"After all I've been to you, after all this time you've depended on my existence, after everything I've done for you…fine, then! Just leave me, you cold-hearted bastard! Just leave me like they all did!"

"I can't keep doing this," he replied, as calmly as he could. "I don't think any of us can. Be reasonable and try to compensate for what you've done to us while you still can. It's not fair to any of us, and you know it. It's too late to 'make up' with me, but not with the others."

"What?! You think you're so fucking special, you think you're better than the rest of us, just because now you're a 'normal' person?" She laughed bitterly. "You think you can just go live with the rest of the world like a regular human being after all these years of being what you were? You gotta be kidding me. I don't know who told you that, but it's fucking **hilarious** how **misinformed** you are! You can't adjust to being a normal person, and if you walk out, you're never going to be a zodiac member again. You're not going to fit in **anywhere**, no matter where you go!"

"You're wrong." He stated simply. "I don't plan on coming back to the zodiac. I can be a normal person now. I can live a good life the way I am. I can adjust to being a regular person just fine. In fact, I don't even have to 'adjust'; I already _**am**_ a regular person. You can't hold meback anymore."

"You don't believe me? Then just go. Just go and see how well that little fantasy of yours' plays out. See how well you fit in with the rest of the world. And don't come crawling back to me like the pathetic swine that you are, begging for your home back, when it doesn't work out like you're imagining."

But he just smirked.

"Okay. I won't. You should really try to make amends with the rest of the zodiac before their curses break, too. Can't you see it falling apart? The curse is dying. It's ending. And when it's over, and everyone else is free, you're just going to die alone and sad that you've lived such a cruel existence."

Another object came flying his way, which he dodged swiftly.

Hatori rarely wanted to hurt anyone with his words, and he rarely said things so out of character for him, though he had great capability to, but he wasn't ever going to return, so why not put some things that had been on his mind for quite a while out there?

"I'll be happy to make peace with you as soon as you _grow up_."

"Get out of my sight," Akito whispered. "GET _OUT!"_ she yelled more fiercely.

"Gladly," he responded, and made his way for the door. Kureno came over to her from his spot in the corner as soon as it clicked shut.

"Can you _believe_ him?" she muttered. "Thinking he's going to do fine out there, thinking he can just leave me…selfish, arrogant, bastard…"

Kureno placed a hand on her shoulder, knowing that it wasn't the time for him to speak up. Deep down, he envied Hatori. _He_ had the balls to get out of there as soon as he was able to and to start living his own life. _He_ had the guts to speak up against Akito and move on. Kureno was too overwhelmed by pity to leave Akito. He didn't think he would be able to live with himself if he did.

However, he was barely able to live with himself as it was—taking care of such a person, who would only hurt other people, and thus silently supporting a vicious cycle of hurt for the other members of the zodiac. He couldn't think of a way out.

Except for shooting himself in the head. It was a lucky thing that he had been distracted the day of the banquet. It was a lucky thing that when he had gone off behind the building with some completely self-destructive intentions, thinking that everyone else would be too busy to notice for a while or interrupt him, there had been people there. It was a lucky thing he had gone behind the building with such intentions, for he may not have been able to ward off that pedophilic man if he hadn't had a gun on him. It was a lucky thing that he had decided against killing himself for the moment, after realizing that he needed to keep a closer eye on Yuki's father, who seemed like more than a shady figure, and who may be initiating some _more_ than questionable activities. And he was lucky that he had met that Arisa girl, who when he came to think of it, he would really like to live to see again.

Kureno was beyond lucky.

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"You got everything?" Mayuko questioned, looking at the few boxes he had brought over.

"Everything I could," Hatori replied a bit cryptically. He had gotten most of his stuff from his room on the estate, but Akito had found out he was leaving before he could retrieve everything. He didn't care, he'd already left so much behind, a few books and shirts along with it all wouldn't matter.

"You, uh…you really wanna do this, right?" Mayu asked, shuffling her feet slightly.

"I wouldn't make such a drastic change just for kicks," he replied. "Why?"

"I just want to make sure this isn't out of…well, pity…" she answered, blushing.

Hatori smiled lightly and wrapped his arms around her torso. "Of course not. I _really_ like you. Besides, I'm not very good at pitying people." His words were was true; it was a bit hard for him to connect with other people's emotions enough to feel bad for them.

"Okay," she smiled contently, placing her arms over his to secure them around her. "And you're not just using me to be rebellious against that psycho family head of yours'?" she asked, poking fun at the fact that Hatori was pretty much the farthest thing from rebellious. He caught the joke, being the sharp man he was, and chuckled lightly.

And, in all the years to come, Mayu never questioned the matter again.

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Kitchens are hot when they have things baking in them. Kakeru was aware of this, and the circumstances of his injuries and the places they were located, and yet he still didn't give it much thought before he pulled his sleeves up. He got away with locating some long-sleeved shirts of Yuki's after twice getting soaked from the rain, but most of Yuki's clothes were heavier than his, as they were of better quality. Just like the morning that he had pulled that prank on Yuki without giving any thought to the scratches on his arm, he pulled his sleeves up without giving any thought to the bandage on his wrist.

He could hardly bare Yuki's questioning and somewhat horrified stare as soon as he did so.

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**How 'bout that. Good for Tori-san! Keep watching Mikio. Has ANYONE caught on what the deal with him is yet? Not that this chapter really dropped any hints, but I'm just curious. Poor 'Keru. Poor 'Keno. Surely you saw this coming as well, though? My god, I am simply loving all of this. Surely all you angst whores are, as well. Short chapter, I guess. But there is drama yet to come! Reviews will help get it up faster. **

—**Psycho. **


	21. Chapter 21

You guys, I have a confession

**You guys, I have a confession. I…I'm a yuri-fan. It's…it's going to be apparent soon, so I thought I might as well put that out there myself. I have to admit, this is going to be one of the randomest pairings I've done. CHECK OUT MY OTHER YUKIXKYO FIC!!**

**R&R and all that good stuff.**

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It seems like it's always the people who look fine that are hurting the most. Because it only adds to the hurt that's already there whenever you have to put on a charade and lie to everyone. Not to mention how completely isolated and alone you feel. It's the people who burie their heads into their pillows at night to make sure no one can hear them crying that cry more than anyone.

It is one thing to hide how much pain you're in and keep it trapped inside, and it is another to do that on top of trying to help someone else, because that just gives you all the more reason to muffle your sobs. You tell yourself to suck it up, because really, all you can think of is that you need to be helping that person. And you start to think that if you depend on them, then they will not be able to depend on you anymore. It's no longer an issue of being embarrassed about your problems or just not wanting people to worry about you in general. The option of telling the person closest to you, even if it was very scarce to begin with, completely disappears. You try to be unreasonably strong just for that person.

Yuki realized much of this when he saw Kakeru's bandaged wrist and the other lacerations on his arm. He wasn't foreign to the concept of "cutting". He'd heard enough about it from kids at school who would rumor "did you hear so-and-so cuts?" and the teachers who gave their annual "don't commit suicide, this many kids out of this larger amount of kids commit suicide every year" speeches every year were beginning to throw in "don't hurt yourself, so many kids out of so many kids are 'cutting' or 'burning'" speeches. And Yuki wasn't stupid, he knew the odds of it being from an accident or fall were slim with the angles it would have had to come from and the severity of his wounds.

And yet, he had to ask, "What happened to your arm?"

He was silently begging that it had been from an accident of some sort, begging that Kakeru wasn't that one kid out of however many that was cutting himself, _begging_ that Kakeru wasn't hurting so badly that he was driven to such an extreme point of desparation that this would be his only release.

However, it was apparent from Kakeru's eyes and his clenched teeth what had happened. "I did it," he said quietly. He didn't know why, but he couldn't lie. He had this burning feeling that Yuki knew what had happened, and his mind couldn't piece together an excuse quickly enough.

"Kakeru..." Yuki said softly.

"I'm sorry," Kakeru whispered, his head so low his bangs were covering his eyes. His voice wavered, as he muttered, "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking stupid."

Yuki wasn't sure if Kakeru was saying he was stupid for rolling his sleeves up, or doing it in the first place, or if it was something else, but he honestly did not know what to do. He wasn't ever very good at comforting people, and he had let Kakeru be the strong one for so long, that he had to admit, he had gotten a bit dependant on him. When he looked back on the incident, he would have to admit that he had probably imitated some of Tohru's procedures for comforting people rather than coming up with his own methods.

"You're not stupid," Yuki said firmly. "Just wash your hands and go up to my room, I'll come up in a minute, okay?"

Yuki had no desire whatsoever to discuss all of this in their kitchen and risk someone coming in on them or hearing them. He was sensitive to Kakeru's problems, he knew it most likely wasn't something he wanted people to know about, or else he wouldn't have been hiding it the way he had. And at the same time, he needed a moment to collect his thoughts and figure out what he was supposed to do and say. As calm as he was being about it, Yuki couldn't help being stunned and hurt by this.

Kakeru was obediant, and washed the marshmallow residue off of his hands in the kitchen sink, and then heading up the stairs. Obviously this meant Yuki intended to talk to him for a while. He hated the feeling he was getting from this. He didn't like talking about things. At all. In group, it was awkward enough. Just telling his mom what had happened had been extremely hard. Explaining to Yuki of all people why he did it and what was going on that was causing him to do it...it was pretty much unbearable. He should have lied, he told himself. He should have told Yuki it was from an accident of some sort. But he couldn't think of anything reasonable off the top of his head, and he found it incredibly hard to lie to Yuki.

One of the worst things about cutting is that you have to hide it. It's something that only you know about and you feel isolated, and a part of you almost wants someone to find out. Kakeru had wondered what would ever happen if someone found out. Hatori had found out and had convinced him to get help. His mom had found out and become...nicer, maybe, but that was it. She had been better to him out of a sickening sort of pity, the way Kakeru saw it. He couldn't say that anyone had really cared that much. Hatori had cared, but it was a blind sort of caring, simply because he himself had struggled with self-harm throughout his life. His mom had seen it as a sort of wake-up call, but she was clueless as to what was going on and what she should do; she was merely stunned by the situation.

And now there was Yuki. Yuki would care. Yuki would really care; he would care because he was Kakeru, because he was someone he loved because he chose to, not because it was his son, and not because he was some random kid who was cutting himself. The way Yuki loved him, the way Yuki would care, it wasn't a blind sort of caring, it was significant. It was the sort of caring Kakeru had sought out for in other people, it was the sort of caring that he had wanted and not been able to find. Now that he had found it, through what he saw as his own stupidity but nevertheless an accidental situation, he wasn't so sure this concern was something he wanted.

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"I'm not letting you get away this time," Haru stated calmly, keeping hold of Rin's arm.

"_Fuck you!"_ Rin hissed fiercely. He had caught her by surprise outside the entrance to the Sohma estate.

"Are you being frank with me? You _really_ don't want to be with me?" he asked sternly.

Rin looked down and turned her head. For some reason, the harsh words simply weren't flowing out of her mouth like usual.

"If you can tell me that…If you can honestly tell me that you have no interest left in me, I'll leave you alone."

"I _told_ you before!" she spat out.

"Tell me **now**," he demanded. When she didn't answer, he continued, "Look at me, Rin."

She turned her head to face him straight forward, only letting her eyes wonder slightly. He took hold of her other arm and pulled her closer in.

"You and me, we could still **be** together," he told her. At this, Rin felt tears pricking in her eyes.

"No…" she muttered, turning her head back again. "We couldn't."

"We can't or we won't?" he questioned sternly.

"We _can't!_" She yelled, jerking out of his grasp.

"Well, why not?" Though, he was expressionless and blank as usual, it was obvious that he was growing hurt and on the path to turning black.

Rin brought her head up and looked straight in his eyes, tears streaming down her face. A rather disturbing smile crept across her still angry expression.

"You want to know why? You _really_ want to know why?!" She demanded.

Before giving Haru time to answer her rhetorical question, which _he_ undoubtedly would have, she came forward with a single lurching step and thrust her hands around his waist. In less than a second, there was a very confused ox before her.

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Kakeru almost felt sick, really. He sat on Yuki's bed, trying to prepare what he was going to say to Yuki, but he finally realized that he was simply panicking too much in his mind to think about that just yet. He wished Yuki would hurry and get up to his room. The waiting brought more agony than anything else. Knowing it what was coming, inevitably and unstoppably.

He didn't know how he was going to explain this. He didn't know how to tell Yuki that he turned out a lot better than he could have. He was lucky he didn't flinch when people touched him or adults spoke loudly at him. He was probably too stupid to develop instincts like that, he thought bitterly. But he couldn't tell Yuki that.

Yuki was downstairs in the kitchen, debating what to do here. What to say…he wasn't sure, really. He was having a lot of mixed feelings, and at the same time, his mind was drawing a complete blank. He couldn't think very clearly. He couldn't stay down for much longer. He knew Kakeru was probably pretty anxious. Yuki didn't want Kakeru to think he was _mad_ at him.

He thought as he walked upstairs. Or tried to think. It was a bit difficult. He tried to relate. Had he ever hurt himself? He couldn't think of a time he'd done that. It usually wasn't a one-time thing for most people. He'd thought about it when he was young, maybe. But Yuki immediately disregarded them as obscure, unacceptable thoughts, and they never really came back. He didn't like the situation, and it seemed like one that he never thought he'd really be able to handle, but here it was, and here _he _was, not panicking as badly as he thought he would have. People often underestimate their resilience to difficult situations.

He came to his room. Yuki nearly brought up his hand to knock, but then pulled it back down, realizing that it was _his_ room. Damn, he just couldn't think right, he thought to himself. His heart was pounding harder as his hand came closer to the doorknob. He decided to get through this as quickly as possible suddenly, and he opened the door, stepped in, and shut it behind him in fast, swift moments, as if this was reinforcing his doing so.

He had gotten so worked up that it had almost seemed as if something very scary would be waiting for him on the other side of the door. But, leaning back against the side of Yuki's bed, his arms holding his knees to his chest, and staring at him with almost fearful eyes, it was just Kakeru. Just in seeing him, Yuki felt a large amount of pressure lifted from the situation.

Nevertheless, as he caught a small part of Kakeru's bandaged wrist peaking out from under his sleeve, Yuki felt, without warning, tears just barely brimming in his eyes, and the question he hadn't known he wanted to ask rise from him.

"Why didn't you _tell _me?"

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Kureno sometimes wondered why he was so polite. As he walked along one of the most crowded streets in town, repeatedly being pushed and shoved by people on their way to work and whatnot, and he just barely managed to pick up one of the grocery items Akito had requested he buy before it was pulverized by their busy feet, he wondered why he didn't push and shove like all those people. It wasn't that he was unable to do so, he just wasn't willing. He could get along the street a lot faster if he _was _willing to, though, he thought.

Another item was knocked from his ripped grocery bag. A bunch of grapes. He couldn't save it before it was trampled by a mass of busy people. Akito wouldn't be happy with him returning without everything he'd requested. A young lady walking along who got grape on her shoe made a rather rude hand gesture at Kureno. He decided it was best to keep moving.

However, he noticed something vaguely familiar about the young lady. He turned around, and saw her doing the same to get a better look at him.

_Arisa._

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_(The following part is over a lapsed period of time, not all on the same day as everything else that is occurring. Hatori have a lot more interesting things to happen for him, so I'm not going to cover him day by day.)_

Hatori couldn't say that all of his problems had been solved because he moved in with Mayu, or because they were dating. But he had to say that the feeling of being in love was…intoxicating. Distracting, really. He didn't have a lot of time to think about all the things that bothered him when he was so much happier thinking about the woman that made him happier than anything.

She had demanded he stop smoking, due to the fact that she hated the smell of it, would not have it in her apartment, and despised the fact that the scent was carried on Hatori himself. This bothered him quite a bit, as it had been his replacement of sorts for his other bad habits. He made no attempt to continue any of these, he had no further desire to mutilate himself after he had stopped for so long. But he had to admit, he'd developed a nicotine addiction. He was trying to use nicotine patches, but damn, quitting was making him feel weird. He woke up at random times in the night and felt unable to breath for a moment. He didn't know what to do with his hands half the time. He still smoked outside the apartment sometimes, but Mayu often picked the scent up later on in the evening. It wasn't bothering him as much as he _thought_ it would, though.

He had found a position at a hospital a few blocks away from their apartment. Him and Mayuko agreed to split the rent, which seemed pretty nice of her to Hatori, considering she was only pulling in a teacher's salary.

They fought over small things sometimes, but never over anything big. They could argue for days on end about political candidates, or cereal, or healthcare plans, but the events that would occur on the nights following each of those days rarely differed.

If asked, Hatori would have to admit, he was…_happy_. For the first time in quite a while. He didn't stress as much as he used to. He had a normal life, and he was worried about normal things, and all of this seemed undeniably special to him because he had seen what it was like to live on a level so much lower than that. He could appreciate everyday normalcy in a way that no one else could, and he was truly grateful for this.

He was still a bit numb to some emotions, but that was that. It wasn't to an extreme point that truly bothered him, and he didn't feel like stressing over it.

Hatori couldn't say his life was perfect. But he appreciated these little problems, because they made him feel so full of life. The small fights with Mayu, the variety of patients that he was able to help, the coworkers that he was beginning to befriend in the hospital…everything made him feel so _alive_.

Hatori couldn't say that he was completely over Kanna. He would always love her somewhere in him, but he was over her. He didn't dwell on her anymore. If he had the choice, he knew that he would rather be with Mayu at this point in his life.

He still kept in contact with Shigure and Ayame, and occasionally went to visit Shigure's home. Shigure not so discreetly told some of the main house when such a time came, and Hatori was able to see those in the family he most cared for. He wouldn't put his family behind him, he still cared for them, but this new life that he had…he couldn't ask for anything more, really.

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Rin had left Haru after he transformed. He could deal with the consequences of transforming outside the estate by himself; she hadn't thought there was anyone around, anyway.

It was funny how her "home" had transformed into an almost…tolerable place. She thought about this as she entered it, and smelled something, she wasn't sure what but it was delicious, wafting into the front room from the kitchen. Maybe the curse had a heavier weight on their lives than she had always thought. It's always easier to see something in all the places it was in your life when you see all the places it's _not _anymore.

Many people realized this sort of thing with remorse, but Rin didn't miss the curse. She hung her coat up on the hook next to the door; stupid weather…At the time that it broke, she had felt as if she was breaking in half, but now…now, she couldn't even really fathom what it was like to have the curse. The concept was completely odd and obscure to her now. She couldn't see why she had catered to whatever an insane, sadistic man (Akito) asked of her, or why she tried so hard to keep him happy. Granted, she didn't try as hard as some of the other members had, but she seldom felt the need to.

She couldn't say that she didn't still care for Haru. She would always love him somewhere in her, and if it came down to it, she would have to admit that they hadn't broken up for much of a valid reason. She still wanted to free him from the curse, just because she didn't want to think such an important motive to her hadn't changed just because her feelings had.

Because in the time that she was not with Haru, she'd had some things to think about. She'd been significantly ruder to Kagura's family than usual, and discovered that there was a reason other than the curse that Kagura had not moved out to go onto college yet, and that she worked so hard to be nice to Rin, though she never returned the favor;

That Kagura was in love with Rin. After some time in thinking about it, Rin decided to give a relationship a chance. After all Kagura had put up with her, it seemed like she might as well. Rin had never really believed in sexuality; she liked who she liked, and that was that. It was going well, she had never thought that she would ever love Kagura, and she wasn't sure she did, but she liked her quite a bit. Maybe not as a person in general, but as a girlfriend. And she had put Haru behind her, for some reasons she was sure of, and some that she wasn't.

The facts were that after being with Haru and Kagura, Rin wasn't restricted by the curse like so many of the zodiac members were. She didn't feel that it held her back like it did the others. A large part of the curse was the restraint that one felt from bearing it, and when that and some other factors were subtracted…it wore itself down to nothing.

Rin's curse did not break all at once like the others' had. It broke gradually. Had she hugged men on a regular basis, she would have noticed that sometimes she would transform, and sometimes she would not. She slowly felt factors in her mental and physical state changing. Her eating disorder affected her more than it had; she wondered if being the horse made her healthier in general. And she bumped into some random boy coming home from school one day, only to find that she didn't transform. She got in a fight with him because he had been so rude about it, but nevertheless, she didn't transform. She didn't go to Akito about it, of course. She didn't know what to do.

Kagura ceased to carry the curse, herself. She had found happiness within it when she had started dating Rin. And without it's weight of misery, the curse had little to hold a person back with. There was no way to make the curse break, Kagura had realized. It broke when it broke, without warning, without one realizing it, and eventually, it was gone, and you looked at it as if it hadn't ever been something that even affected you. It seemed so far behind her, it didn't seem that it could ever touch her again.

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"I wouldn't have looked down on you for it. I wouldn't have been angry. I would have been happy that I was someone you could tell."

Kakeru looked Yuki straight in the eyes, not questioning Yuki, but merely himself. He knew Yuki would have helped him, but he just wasn't able to tell him. And now he was in _this _situation; Yuki knew and was very confused and hurt that Kakeru had kept such a secret from him.

He sat down beside Kakeru and put an arm around him. The position felt slightly awkward as he was the shorter of the two boys, and he usually on the counterpart of that position, but he felt that this was what he was supposed to do here, and Kakeru leaned into him slightly.

"I wish you would have told me, but I understand why you didn't. Just…please stop."

"I…I'm in group. Like, therapy, I mean. I quit a while back, I just slipped up, and I'll be okay, really, it's not a big deal, I just…" Kakeru spoke rapidly before trailing off. His head was still spinning, despite how comforting Yuki was.

"That's great! I don't…I don't understand, and I won't pretend I do, but I love you and I'm here for you."

Of the people that had spoken to him about his problem, Kakeru would have to say Yuki's words had helped the most. He would also have to say that Yuki meant the most to him. That was why he owed him what he didn't owe the others.

"You've told me everything about your life. There are some things I need to tell you."

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**Longer than usual, I think. I admit, I didn't spellcheck or go over it at all, really. Maybe I need a beta-er, because I am just getting too lazy to go over my stuff before posting it. I just wanted to get an update up really badly, though. I went pretty easy on the yuri, I'd say. I know a lot of yaoi fans are not for yuri at all, and I'm sure some yaoi fans are reading this, so yeah. **

**So updates have been hard, because I've got more of a life than usual lately. This story's reaching it's end. I give it two or three more chapters, maybe? I'll be both relieved and sad when the time comes for it to be over. **

—**Psycho. **


	22. Chapter 22

I sat down the other day and was like "Okay, I HAVE to update this one." This story has been up for a year. Like wowz.

Too damn long…

I'm holding review ransom. Five reviews for the next chapter. Good day, sir. I SAID GOOD DAY! :storms off:

**Please review, please enjoy!**

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Yuki deserved to know.

That was Kakeru's ultimate conclusion of all his thoughts, and all the times that they had spent together. He could handle it, and…maybe he could help him a little bit. And he _could_ handle it, Kakeru told himself, though he made a firm resolution to himself that he would not lean on Yuki for support very often.

He took a deep breath in as he massaged the side of his temple. Yuki was aware that Kakeru didn't like talking about personal things very much, which was why he wasn't pushing for him to tell him anything, but he would be lying to say that he never wondered about the "cat scratches" or the childhood that Kakera had never so much as vaguely referenced to or the hinted bitterness towards his mother.

Yuki thought of his own selfishness as he realized that maybe he didn't want to know some of these things. Maybe he just wanted to believe that they were cat scratches and that Kakeru fought with his parents the same way any other normal teenager did. And for a moment, Yuki hated himself for not wanting to investigate these subjects that he could vaguely tell were strong issues, and in that sense, neglecting Kakeru.

But he saw how Kakeru, despite the pained expression on his face, was rolling up his left sleeve and exposing himself. Now it was obviously an issue, Kakeru was confirming it. Yuki realized that had he decided that it was too much for him to bear, had he told Kakeru to just put his sleeve back down, that then it would be neglecting him. And he realized that he would never do something like that to Kakeru.

Because that's not really loving someone. You have to accept these small kinks and quirks and problems that they have if you really care for them and accept their entirety. And at the same time, he wanted to help Kakeru with these problems that he had, and that to do that, he needed to know. Even this…even this "cutting" thing that he had been doing, it was a symbol of one of the things that he loved Kakeru for—Kakeru never blamed other people for his mistakes.

"I…I grew up around a lot of jerks. My mom used to yell at me all the time, and she drank a lot, and she was always bringing home bad…boyfriends. They…I got hit a lot. And this guy that was probably just mooching off her because he'd just come in from the states kept coming back every time he lost a job, and he started pushing for the whole inheritance thing, too, and I lost it, and said that I wouldn't try to get it anymore. So then my mom got all drunk and pissed off a few days later, and she kept yelling at me about all the shit I'd done, and I just…I wanted to…to hurt myself, and…I did…"

Kakeru's eyes had glazed over, and he was staring vacantly at his left arm. He could still see some scars that had not quite faded away, and a few of them he could remember making, but most, he couldn't recall. He took in another deep breath.

"How long?" Yuki asked, almost fearfully.

"…two years," Kakeru replied, a bit ashamed with himself. "Shit kept happening, and that just started being what I thought to do when I got angry at myself or really stressed out."

"Why do you blame yourself so much?" Yuki asked in true curiosity.

"I don't know, I always grew up with my mom telling me that I should be doing better than I was and her asshole boyfriends beating the shit out of me, and it just always seemed like when bad stuff happened, it was my fault."

"But, things can't always be your fault. Chances are, they're usually not." Yuki said, not being able to think of hardly any truly sinful acts that the boy next to him had committed.

"I know that," Kakeru answered, feeling rather stupid, though those were not Yuki's intentions. "I'm better than I used to be about it. It's just…that's what people always told me, so I just went on believing it was the truth."

The concept of what he had just said made an eerie amount of sense to Yuki.

"And you're doctor cousin caught me a few weeks ago and convinced me to go to group therapy, so I did that, and I didn't…cut…again until last week. I messed up, but I'm trying really hard, and I don't think it'll happen again…"

"You know, you don't have to justify yourself or anything. It's not like that, I just want to be able to help you and stuff." Yuki admitted that he wasn't used to being the one to be leaned on, but he was doing pretty well.

Kakeru fidgeted his thumbs as Yuki observed his arm, seeming to closely examine it. Yuki noticed this, and felt that something was still not right. Though, he was a bit dreadful of the answer, he still dared to ask, "What's wrong?"

"It's just…" Kakeru lowered his head, debating whether or not he could really say it. "I…Yuki, I'm so afraid that I won't be able to pull myself out of this…" he blurted, tears running down his face. "I keep thinking that I will and that it's going to be okay, but this little part of me keeps thinking 'What if you don't? What if you're stuck here forever?', and it pulls me into this depression, and I get so freaked out that this isn't just something that's temporary."

These were the first words of true uncertainty that Yuki had ever heard Kakeru speak. Kakeru let his head fall into his hands, being more aware than he should have that as he did so, his sleeve was still pulled up and his arm was still exposed.

Yuki pulled his arms around Kakeru as he quietly sobbed, and murmered, "I know you, I know you can get yourself out of this, and I'm going to help you. It's all going to be okay, I promise."

Kakeru leaned into him, saying nothing, but for the first time in his life, feeling safe and assured and like it was okay to believe these kind words.

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Rin had found Kagura as a definite someone that she had feelings for, but…it didn't seem to be enough sometimes. She missed Haru.

By now, she was very sure that everyone's curse was going to simply break on it's own. It broke so easily for her. It seemed as if the curse was just an old patch-quilt that had been left out in a storm that was ripping at the seams, and the threads were old and breaking, and the dirt couldn't be washed out, and slowly, the patches were becoming looser and looser until they were blown away. So, needless to say, she was no longer particularly worried that Haru's curse would not break. And she didn't have enough reverence left for Akito that she cared if he found out about the relationship—she wasn't going to let him hurt Haru, or her, and that was final, as far as she was concerned.

So, she wanted to return to Haru, obviously. But she still had Kagura to deal with. It seemed bad to simply abandon a relationship that way.

And, then there was the fact that Haru's curse _hadn't_ broken yet. It would definitely complicate things a bit until it did, but she was sure they could get past it.

So, Rin was a bit unsure of what to do when she found Haru at her doorstep, holding a bundle of flowers. He looked rather awkward, and at first, Rin simply blamed this on the fact that she had been so angry at him earlier. But, as she gave it some more thought, she realized that it must have been the fact that he was standing there with flowers, trying to get back an ex-girlfriend—this act was just incredibly…normal.

"Haru…" she said quietly. "This isn't like you."

"Well, I figured maybe it's that you're looking for a normal boy. I'd be normal for you."

"While that is just oh so endearing, why would I want you to be an asshole for me?" she asked, though her words didn't match the calmness in her voice. Haru smirked, though he was still taken aback.

"Just tell me what it is that's wrong, _please_. I'll fix myself if there's something wrong with me."

"I'm dating Kagura," Rin stated blankly. "Speaking of which, you should probably leave soon, considering this is where she lives."

Haru was dumbfounded for a moment, before speaking. "Rin, are you…are you saying I turned you lesbian?"

"I'm not a lesbian," she reassured him.

He casually tossed the flowers aside, deciding that she wasn't going to accept them.

"Would you at least tell me why you left me?"

"I don't know why I did, really. Things didn't make sense and were getting complicated, and a relationship with you didn't seem to be the right way to go."

"Well, then," he said, his face contorting into complete seriousness. "I'm willing to share you with Kagura."

Rin stifled a laugh in order to appear angry at this. "It doesn't work that way, asshole."

"Come on, if you don't know why we broke up, it's not really like we broke up. I don't care if you're out of the curse or whatever—by the way, thanks for leaving me naked outside the estate—I just want to be with you. And not to question your motives, but you supposedly hate Kagura…"

Rin looked at him for a moment. He must have been really desperate to do this, it wasn't like Haru at all to argue and beg like this.

"Haru…" she murmered, her eyes glazing. Hatsuharu was partially happy to see that she didn't hate him, and obviously there was hope if she couldn't produce a valid reason for the breakup, but he wasn't going to just leave it at that, of course.

"All I'm saying is that if you like me more than her, you should be with me. I'd like to think I'm not quite this replaceable after all the shit we went through when we were dating."

"Replacing you? You know I did this for you," she said, not quite thinking about what she was saying before hearing herself and realizing the reason she had wanted to break it off.

"What?" he whispered in disbelief. It was enough that Haru was showing this rare glint of emotion through his usual blank exterior, but to change the tone of his voice was entirely odd for him. Especially when he hadn't even gone black. "How could that _possibly_ be good for me?"

"I just…I'm not sure that I'm someone you should really be with."

"If you love me, and I love you, then I don't see a problem with it."

Rin's shoulders slumped in defeat. She was tired of arguing with herself, and arguing with Haru, when the problem could so simply be solved. Careful not to turn it into an embrace, she stepped into kiss him.

Haru, however, was not afraid of turning it into an embrace, not afraid of the curse or it's boundaries. So he pulled her in closely on impulse, and felt something that wasn't only his fear of the curse leaving him. Rin was almost upset to see that he was crying, but she soon realized what was happening, and remained silent with her arms around his waist, thinking how the moment her curse broke would have been easier if she had had someone there to hold her.

And as Kagura came back from the University, just in time to see them from the gate to the house, she thought of how she wished that she had someone to hold her as _her_ curse broke at that moment.

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Yuki picked up Kakeru's left arm and just looked at it. Kakeru looked as well, kind of in a self-concious way, as he thought of how what he was seeing at that moment was what Yuki was also seeing. Kakeru shifted rather awkwardly, trying not to succumb to the urge to tear his arm away. The idea of someone seeing his arm, let alone studying it in such a way made him incredibly uncomfortable. But, it was _Yuki_, he reminded himself, and then he felt a bit better about it. It wasn't as if Yuki was criticizing him or anything. He was just looking, not passing judgment. Kakeru felt a lot better with that last thought.

Kind of…_accepted._

Yuki's eyes first studied his bandaged wrist, and he shuddered, thinking of how hurt Kakeru could have been. He thought to ask Kakeru to promise never to cut again, but surely Kakeru knew already that this was something that hurt Yuki when he did it. No, he didn't need to make Kakeru promise, he wouldn't intentionally do something that he knew would hurt Yuki unless he could help it. And then if he couldn't help it, he would only feel all the worse because he had promised not to.

"Just promise me you'll never hurt yourself this badly again. You could have lost feeling in your hand or broken tendon's…" Yuki couldn't think of anything else that could go wrong from slitting one's wrist, other than…he choked on the thought, as tears brimmed his eyes.

Other than dying.

Kakeru encircled Yuki's pale, porcelain hand with his rough, lacerated one.

"I would never leave you," he whispered, though he stared in contrast at their two hands, wondering for the umpteenth time how Yuki was in love with him. It didn't matter he decided, because obviously he had something that made Yuki love him, and that was enough—that made him good enough. At that moment, he made another resolution—this time, simply that he would stop looking at all his flaws all the time.

Yuki brought up Kakeru's damaged wrist and kissed part of the bandaging lightly. This act spoke louder than anything that Yuki could have said to him. It said that he accepted him, and his problems, and loved this part of him as much as the other part.

"I love you, Kakeru," he murmered, bringing his hand back down, and silently looking over the rest of his arm. There were a lot of fading scars, ghostly reminders of all the other hardships in Kakeru's life.

Yuki looked out the window to see the dusk settling outside. _It sucks_, he thought, _that people have hurt us like this and gave us these wounds to live with._ _Why is that something that should be bestowed upon us personally?_

_What have we done to deserve this?_

It didn't matter, he decided. Because in the midst of all the problems and issues and sadness, they had both managed to find love. And maybe that meant that they could appreciate it more than most, "regular" people, because their love had emerged in the middle of something terrible and come out, undamaged. It was truly faith-restoring.

And even all the bad things, Yuki decided, were amazing. At least he was _alive_. And he had so many good things. So many things to be happy about. He accepted Kakeru, and he accepted his past, and everything that he was. Even if Kakeru was a "cutter" or whatever, he still made him happy, which was an amazing thing to have. Their relationship was something that inevitably and undeniably made him happy. Even through all the bad things, something so incredibly was still standing.

"Kakeru, even if…even if more bad times come eventually, let's just let these be happy times. Even if it's only temporary, we just need to make as much happiness as we can while it's here and try as hard as we can, because…this is amazing."

Kakeru smiled lightly at him and caught his mouth in a kiss, silently agreeing.

For Kakeru, this had been the final thing in his life that was standing in between him and full content-ness. His somewhat dishonesty with Yuki and his lack of faith that he would recover from his damaged mental and physical tendancies had been the last objects of discomfort and anxiety—at least for the moment, they were. And now that it was gone, he felt incredibly relieved and light and happy.

In that one moment, everything in the world seemed to be perfect.

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Sex scene. Next chapter, which I need five reviews for. Not to taunt or anything. And some more angst of course. I'm thinking two more chapters are left, then maybe an epilogue.

—**Psycho.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Oh, my damn, ten reviews! I love you guys. Sorry it took so long. I promised you a lemon, and a lemon you shall get, but I'm not making it explicit and completely trashy. This is the only fanfic I've ever written that had any merit to its quality at all; I just have to make it classy. I realized mid-way through writing this that there is one single shred of truth that I could tell you now or incorporate into the story, and it would very well ruin part of the lemon for you.**

**Reasons that I have failed to update: laptop cord broke, mouse broke, I had like fifteen million epiphanies about growing up and my friends and myself and whatnot, I got a boyfriend, and then was dealing with drama after we broke up, and then I got grounded again. **

**Please review, and please enjoy! (It's the first semi-explicit lemon I have ever wrote, please be patient with me)**

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_I love the quiet of the nighttime,_

_When the sun is drowning a deathly sea._

_I can feel my heart beating as I speed from_

_The sense of time catching up with me._

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POV-???

I don't really know how one overcomes all these things.

Like feeling as if you deserve to hurt yourself.

Or feeling like you're only a tool.

Or feeling guilty.

Or feeling like an outcast.

Or feeling remorse for the loss of your mother.

Or feeling unloved.

Or not feeling much of anything.

Or not eating.

Or losing control of your personality.

Or being heart-broken multiple times in your youth.

Or breaking _other_ hearts multiple times in your youth.

Or being shunned by your family.

Or being shunned by everyone, it seems.

Or some of these things combined.

But what I _do_ know is that it's a slow process that you have to take step by step to reach the end of. It can be a lot of different things that make it happen; letting go of something, holding onto something, eliminating something, creating something new, or some of these things combined; Whatever it is, it's all just a matter of solving the problem. I think what makes people get so down in the first place is that they think the problem simply can't be solved at all once they realize that it can't be solved a certain way, and then they don't realize that all they had to do was think of another way to solve it, and often this second option works more effectively, anyway. Or maybe it's not even about solving the problem; maybe it's about realizing that there _isn't_ a problem. It can be a lot of things. It can start with a person, or an event, or the end of something you didn't really need after all. It can even just start with you, if you want it to. For everyone, it's a different situation, a different story, but it always comes to an end the same way. It's a very slow domino effect that takes place, really. Very slowly, you begin to wake up in the morning, feeling groggy, but still all right, instead of simply dreading the day ahead of you. People that used to annoy you gradually start to make you laugh, _really_ laugh. Things that used to haunt you still bring a twinge of pain, but not as much, and not for very long before something else seems more important to worry about and you're laughing again. People start asking you how you are, and you're not lying anymore when you say, "I'm doing pretty good." Pleasant things start to seem _actually_ pleasant. Good things don't simply surprise you, they start to _excite_ you. When small bad things happen, they don't seem _as_ bad anymore. You're a little more interested in your opportunities that could be on the road ahead of you. And you feel like yourself, like you're doing what you should be.

It takes a while, but I think the slowness of the process is what makes it easier, because parts of it are going to hurt. There are probably a few monumental things that occur on the way that will make a big difference, and some of them hurt, and they'll seem like a simple relapse, a collapse of all your effort and progress, but if you'll excuse the cliché, it's all just a few bumps in the road, and it's those bumps that are hard and a little painful to get over. But somewhere along the way, there's this glorious moment where you'll look in the mirror, and there's a better, happier, maybe even better looking you that's staring back. And you're still improving, so that's not even the best of it yet. And you can't help smiling at that moment when you think to yourself, "I'm going to be alright. I'm really going to be okay!" That's probably the best part, when you realize that things are going to be okay, at least. It's such a relief. It seems so amazing. It seems so amazing that it seems amazing. And then you realize that things are going to be more than okay--they're going to be _beautiful._

And all that woe that you carry with you all the time seems to be flying away in the wind.

Like patches on an old, worn quilt.

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POV-Yuki

For the next few months, everything was changing. Things had been changing already, but it was more noticeable now. It was a loud, obvious movement, though only in energy. It felt amazing. There was both a new, lively energy in the air, and yet a lack of something that felt very important. Like something was being fixed that I wasn't sure had been broken.

It also felt as if something mischievous was lurking beneath all of this calm. Something was happening.

All I knew at the time was that nothing bad was happening that I knew of, and that left me with no reason at all not to be the happiest person alive. I joked around, calmly began to ease into the light personality that I had often felt was faux.

Haru and Rin got back together, which was a relief to everyone. It meant no more black Haru, and Rin even seemed to be looking healthier.

Hatori was checking in with us every now and then (only at Shigure's, of course), and he would bring Mayu with him. Which was a little weird, her being our teacher and all, but a girlfriend was undoubtedly a good thing for him.

Kyo and Tohru went off alone more often than they used to. And why shouldn't they? I was just glad that Kyo was finally enjoying life--as horrible as it may sound, one of the things that always pissed me off about him was what a downer he always was.

Akito was acting odd. Odd for him, anyway. It's an interesting thing, we all knew something was wrong, but we didn't worry about it. I'm not entirely sure any of us were trying to say nothing was wrong, but we just did not want to worry until we had to. Maybe this was our downfall. The only way I could describe him during this time period is "quiet". He was very quiet. I didn't conciously feel myself growing less afraid of him, but I was, bit by bit. My life as it was...was ending. And I was barely noticing as it was happening.

Kakeru and I got along just like a regular couple, really. We went on dates, we stayed at each other's houses, and we messed around when no one was looking. And sometimes when they _were_ looking, depending on who it was. It went without saying that Haru, Tohru, and Kyo had gotten the idea. Student council members made jokes about us, never seeming to be sure whether they were serious or not, but kind of as if it didn't really matter either way. It _didn't_ matter; we were gradually paying less and less attention to who was watching. Jokes turned into rumors. People would ask Kakeru if it was true, and he would just smirk at them. People would ask me, and I pretended to be disgusted by the thought--not so much as a cover, really, but more so because...well, I kind of thought it was..._funny_ to watch their faces when they suddenly started thinking they had done something so rude, especially when they hadn't. I think the fan girls_ loved_ it. Those few months are a blur to me. And why shouldn't they be? They were wonderful.

School...was just fun to me. I goofed around in class a little. A+ turned to A-, but I was still sure I would be valid Victorian, and even if I wasn't, it wasn't a huge deal to me anymore. It turned out that when I wasn't trying real hard to meet anyone else's expectations, grades weren't something extremely important to me. Life was just beautiful. I don't care if it was only for a few months, or what happened afterwards, or even if one day the impossible happens, and it turns out Kakeru was faking it all--it would still be some of the most beautiful time I've spent in my life.

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_**Kureno**_

I do believe that there are people you're supposed to meet in your life. I don't mean only romantic partners, I mean people that change you--they're obviously there for a reason if they affect you. Some of them are horrible people, actually, but I believe that we're supposed to meet some horrible people, because there are lessons that only a horrible person can teach us, and ultimately, I'm sure we're stronger for it. I don't know when I decide whether they're someone I was supposed to meet. I think it's when I find them more than once, and it seems to be by chance. I think there are people in my life that I was supposed to meet that I'll never know that I was supposed to meet.

Arisa's not one of them--I KNOW I was supposed to meet her. I've known it since I first met her. I wasn't sure for what reason, but I was sure that there was some reason. It's just something about her, I think. It's in the way she moves, the way she acts, the way she smiles--it makes her seem...enchanted, somehow. Even though that's a little funny to think, with her blunt manner and all. But maybe that just makes her more enchanted.

I'm sure that I was supposed to meet them when we seem to find each other again without trying. It's something fated, and I'm just sure of it. When I ran into her on the street again, even if she _was_ flipping me off, she looked beautiful and amazing, just by being there. It was an amazing moment, just because it happened. Just because I did see her again--even if I had been trying not to see her, thinking I shouldn't, I was so grateful to see her standing there.

She stood there for a moment, shocked with her finger hanging in the air, before her face broke out into a smile and she ran back to hug me, which I set aside the groceries for her to do. This wasn't problematic for me anymore, but...it still felt odd. And more wonderful than I think it does to most people. Or maybe it was just because it was Arisa that was hugging me.

"I haven't seen you in so long, how have you been?!" she asked immediately.

I didn't want to answer that question honestly.

"What is it?" she asked curiously, looking up at me with her big blue eyes. I just smiled down at her.

"I've got to drop some things off at the estate, walk with me there?"

She smiled and nodded.

I knew that I hadn't wanted to see her again, but I pushed that thought away from my mind. I stopped thinking about how she would be better off without me. I guess it was because...well, I just don't think that you should push away these opportunities that life gives you. I don't think you should push away a person that you're supposed to meet.

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It was a pretty normal night. We had a few days off from school, so Kakeru was staying over. Shigure was busy with his writing, Haru and Momiji were staying over, and we were all just sitting in the backyard for a while (once we stopped fighting so much, we congregated more often. I don't know, it's weird, but it's just something even related teenagers do), talking about...I don't even know what we were talking about anymore, but we had a pizza and we playing some sort of game to distribute the last three slices. I remember Kyo punching Haru in the shoulder when he beat him for the last slice, but they were both laughing, and so was Tohru.

Momiji passed out, head in Tohru's lap, and Haru stole the rest of his slice, even though he'd already won the other two. Kyo and Tohru decided to go to sleep then, and Haru carried Momiji in, so we followed suit.

Every time he came over, we did this thing where we would act like we were going to bed--you know, brush your teeth, take a shower, all that stuff--and then once we got in bed, we'd start going to sleep, and just end up fooling around. I know I didn't mean to, but it always started with something small, like a goodnight kiss that lingered, or he'd put his hand on my hip or something.

So, we brushed our teeth, I took a shower, and we got in bed. I lay down, facing away from him, and he put his arm around my waist casually, and said goodnight, and I was disappointed to think that we were just going to sleep that way. It was very slight at first, but he was moving his hand a little. Just in a small kind of circular motion, but it was right between my stomach and my hip, which he knew was sensitive. He scooted in a little closer, so his head was leaned against the back of my head, which of course meant that his breath was trailing down my neck. His hand continued making the circular motion, only he began moving the already thin material of my shirt up.

He did this kind of thing a lot, trying to get me going so I would make the first real move. I know he took it as some sort of personal victory when I did, but I was never sure if it was so he could be smug, or to make sure I wanted to, or what it was about. Whatever it was about, it usually worked; I ended up turning over, and snuggling in closer to him, him catching my lips with his as I did so. God, I love him, I thought to myself. Just kissing him, just the feeling of him next to me, it was so much just by itself. It wasn't long before he had worked away both of our shirts, and it got a little more...intense. Like, his hands were virtually clawing my back and he started kissing my neck. And then...ah! He bit me. People do bite, I know that, but it was weird at first. And then he did it again, and...

_"Ohh."_

It escaped my mouth before I had any say in the matter. I blushed, expecting him to snicker or do something along those lines like he usually did, but he just kept going at my neck. We were sitting up now, and I was backed against the headboard. It was great, but I got to thinking, we'd already gone this far before...Not that it was boring, but...I didn't even think about it, this isn't the sort of state that a person thinks during, you know. I kind of pushed him away lightly, at which point he flashed me a very confused look. But that was gone as soon as he noticed me unzipping his pants.

"Yuki, are you..." I cut him off, quickly nodding. I knew what he had about to say (Was I sure?), but I was, and he wasn't in a state of arguing. I never pictured myself doing this sort of thing, but then I never pictured myself being with someone like this, either.

I can tell you, in the world today, there are too many kids our age jumping all over each other. It's not just us, even, you've got your thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, year olds, a good few years below us; they get into a relationship, and right off the bat, they're kissing each other, then feeling each other, then licking each other, and before you know it, they're doing each other. And maybe they're not even in a relationship. I mean, by all means, I'm not trying to judge, I'm not saying they're whores or anything (Kakeru told me long ago he was one of those kids when he was younger). By all means, to each their own, but I just can't imagine it being any good without any meaning to it. Maybe it's a bit pathetic that I'm starting all this at seventeen, that I've gone this long sober, but at least by the time I'm getting around to it, I'm going to remember being in love when I did it.

It was...bigger than I expected. Not that my downstairs is anything to complain about really, but just that simplicity of male nature made me feel kind of annoyed with him for a moment. Then, I just reminded myself that I wasn't in the locker room, and that wasn't what this was about. Anyway, I had him swing his legs over the side of the bed, and stand up, and...ugh, it sounds so trashy, but I'm just gonna say it...I got down on my knees and put his cock in my mouth. There. There it is.

I had imagined that this would be something I did for him, out of love, even that it would be something of a sacrifice for me, but...well, I got a little excited myself. I was just thinking about how big it was, thinking about it being inside me...and feeling it... It's easy, really. I just moved my head forward and back a lot, mostly, and enjoyed the noises he made in between. I mean, some people are just moan-ers, I'm probably worse about it than he is, but it's kind of...erotic. I paused on one of the moves back and twirled my tongue around the tip, just to be a little sadistic.

_"Ohh, Yuki...Y-Yuki...don't stop," _he muttered, his face flushing.

And, I didn't. I put it back in and deep-throated it, repeating the motion, and gradually moving faster, and faster.

_"Yuki, I...ooh...I'm about to..."_

I nodded, whether the motion was visible or not, and kept going. Sure enough, he came, and it wasn't as gross as I would have expected. His organ was already at the back of my throat, so I just swallowed, and in my mouth, it was just kind of this salty taste. I still tried to swallow quickly, though, just trying to get rid of it. And, then I stood up quickly, not fond of the idea of being on my knees, and he just zipped his pants back up, and fell back against the bed.

"I love you, Yuki," he mumbled, panting. I got up on the bed and laid next to him, then nipped at his neck with my teeth.

"I love you, too," I told him. He turned over and put his arm around my waist, and we got to kissing again.

I love him, I thought, I love him, I love him, I love him, I love him...so much. This was great. If I could be anywhere, anywhere in the world right now, I'd just want to be right here. And then I thought of the people who had hit me, and the people who had made me feel worthless, on the verge of suicide, and the people that hurt me, and then the people who hadn't bothered me, and then the people who I'd come to call friends, and the people who had been kind enough to love me, and then I thought of Kakeru, off in his own category. And that's when I realized, he's more special to me than anybody. Not just better than people who'd abused me, not just better than people who hadn't put me worse off, but even people that I had real relationships with, he was more than that.

"I love you," I said again in between kisses. "I'm not just saying it, I mean...I love you so much."

"I love you, too," he responded, smiling gently.

I smiled back, and then sat up, thinking hard. He sat up, too, thinking something was wrong.

"What is it?" he asked, looking confused.

"I just...Kakeru, I _really _love you...I could tell you a thousand times, two thousand times, and I get scared that you'll never really know, or that I won't be able to say it the right way. I know it sounds weird, but it's just...promise me, you know what I'm saying."

"I know what you're saying, Yuki," he said, not with annoyance, but without hesitation. "And I love you, too, that's how I know."

I smiled at him. "Okay. And, that's...that's why, I just...I want this to be with you." I bit my lip, hoping I wouldn't have to explain what I meant. It looked like I wouldn't, as his eyes widened.

"Yuki, are you...I mean, you know it's...I mean, if you wanted it...it's not gonna be _my _first..." he trailed off. But, he didn't have to finish any of them, I did know that it wasn't his first time, even with a boy, and I knew that all of them were just going to be various ways of stating his usual question (_"Are you sure?"_). But I was sure, as always.

"Kakeru, I want this to be with you," I repeated. He nodded, understanding, and stood up, digging through his pockets. He pulled out a lighter, of all things! I was confused until I saw that he was lighting a small candle, something Tohru had given me but I never really bothered with, that was left on my nightstand. He took a deep breath, and turned back to me. I told him not to be nervous, at which point, he freaked, claiming he wasn't.

"Kakeru, you know...it...it won't be my first...either," I mumbled, my face flushing. I hadn't even thought or talked about _that_ in so long, I wondered if he would even remember. But, he did.

Right away, his eyebrows furrowed and he grabbed me by the shoulders. "Yuki, I can't believe you would even _think_ of counting that as a first time. That's not what this is. That's not what this is about."

"Kakeru, I know you're not-"

"No, Yuki, what happened isn't relevant to any of this. Not me, not you, not in this situation. You said you want it to be with me, and it _will_ be, so long as you remember that _this_ is what sex is."

He gently pulled me back onto the bed and began kissing my neck for a while, and then trailing down my chest and when he got to my pants, he didn't seem nervous anymore. He fumbled with my belt a bit, before pulling my pants off completely, and then doing the same with his, then going back and slowly pulling my boxers off. I couldn't help blushing a bit--no matter what, being naked in front of someone makes you do that, especially when you're "excited", too, but he was unphased. He immediately put my, _y'know_, in his mouth. It was kind of a weird feeling to be on the other end, I guess.

At first, it just felt kind of odd, but then I got used to the change of temperature, and I started to feel kind of vulnerable. I was trying not to make any noises, remembering how I acted when he did, but they just kept slipping out without consulting me. But, it's Kakeru, I would think to myself, and I just let myself go. After that, I was just completely lost in the motions of his head, wanting him to move faster, being enthralled when he did, and this ecstasy that kept building up, until finally, I couldn't take it, I just...

But that wasn't it, that wasn't what I wanted it to be doing with him (Well, I mean, it wasn't bad, _at all_, but it wasn't what I had meant when I said, "I want it to be with you". Jeez, you get my point, right?)

So, I got on my knees and hands, sort of the position that you're in when you do bear-crawls, and he got on his knees behind me, kind of holding onto my waist from there. It was kind of funny, but that wasn't really what my mind was on at the time...

Well, I don't really keep lube on hand, so I'm not trying to be crude, but he really wasn't left with any alternatives. So, he stuck two fingers in his mouth, and slowly put them up me, repeatedly asking me if I was okay. Then, he did this slow sort of scissoring motion. It was hurting, but not much. I did take what he said about me getting raped not being my first time to heart, but still, I wasn't physically a virgin, so it wasn't as grueling as it could have been, at least. He asked me if I felt all right, and I grunted yes, and he told me he was about to put himself in, and to spread my legs a little.

I did, and I could hear him shuffling around a little, pulling off his own underwear. And then I could feel him sort of trying to find the right spot, and then there was this bit of pressure, and he said, "I'm just gonna do this fast, okay? Like ripping off a band-aid, it'll be worse if I do it slowly." I figured out later that this was NOT true, but I said, "Okay." He quickly pushed himself within me, and I let out a groan at the inescapable pain. Quickly, he started moving back and forth, and he kept hitting that same bundle of nerves, and pain turned to pleasure.

No matter what you think or say now, you're going to say all that stupid stuff during sex. I always thought I wouldn't, but there I was, moaning, going, _"Oooh, harder, Kakeru, go faster,"_ and I, almost subconsciously, started jerking myself off at the same time, and I didn't even notice when Kakeru's hand had reached around and was doing it for me. It was just this wave of ecstasy, rising up, higher and higher and higher, increasing every time he thrusted.

"Oh...Kakeru, I'm gonna...I think I'm gonna..." I moaned again, anticipation growing.

"Me...me too..." he muttered.

And you're going to, for one reason or another, announce it before you come.

We both finished at the same time, me collapsing on the bed, him collapsing on top of me, covered in sweat.

"I love you," I muttered, and he, of course, muttered it back. I promised myself right then that I would never take those words for granted, that they would always remind me of moments as amazing and beautiful as this. Finally, he rolled over next to me, and held me in his arms for a while, kissing me gently. I wanted this moment to last forever, and yet...I was aware of being covered in cum and sweat, so I decided to go take a shower, making off with only my pants, and he mumbled a sleepy, "Okay."

The cold water felt good, and yet, I felt like I was washing away the moment. However, I told myself that, hopefully, there would be more to come. I made sure to scrub good, and wash my hair, not wanting "Sex Hair", like I saw girls come to school with sometime. Had I just compared myself with a girl? Well, it's not the first time anyone's done that, I thought, turning the water off, and grabbing a towel.

Another thing, sex kind of makes you hungry. Like, I don't know why, it's not really exercise, but it's kind of the same feeling as exercise. Don't go lifting weights trying to orgasm or anything, I just mean the after effect is the same if it's any good--you're tired, and sweaty, and your muscles kind of don't want to move. At least, it's kind of hard to walk...anyway, I decided I'd go down to the kitchen and get some food.

I noticed that the light was on, walking downstairs, but decided we had probably just forgotten to turn it on. I thought nothing of it, and walked over to the fridge, grabbing some leftovers from dinner out of the fridge. How wasteful we had been before Tohru, we would have never thought to refrigerate any leftovers before she had moved in with us. I got all the way to the microwave, and started heating it up before I turned around and noticed Shigure reading his paper at the kitchen table.

"Oh...erm, Good Morning," I decided on, glancing at the clock (it was 2:30 AM).

"And you," he responded, seeming to kind of grunt the words out.

That was weird, I thought, he wasn't joking around or being annoying or anything. Even though Shigure wasn't really a parent or any sort of authority figure at all, come to think of it, I still kind of got that paranoid, "Oh no, does the adult know what I've been up to?" feeling, but I shook it off, thinking that there was no way he would. Forty-five seconds was up, and microwave beeper went off, startling me for a second, not bringing out any kind of reaction whatsoever in Shigure. I opened the microwave, grabbed a fork, and sat down at the table to eat. The only noise in the room was my fork hitting the plate, and...oh, God, I could actually hear myself chewing, which I started to get self-conscious about. There was definitely something wrong here. Then my mind started freaking out, guessing at what it could be; Akito had said something, Akito had found Hatori or found out about his visits to our house, Kyo had run away, someone in the family was hurt...it just kept getting worse in my head. Finally, I forced myself to rationalize it all; it was 2:30 in the morning, Shigure had no reason to be perky and jokingly cheerful right now, I could stop freaking out, this was nothing. He probably was just up because he couldn't sleep, trying to read to tire himself out, and in the kitchen because he was like twelve-years-old in his mind and still scared of the dark and all that, which might even be the reason WHY he couldn't-

"Yuki, you're fucking_ limping_, for Christ's sake," he said, setting down his newspaper.

sonofabitch.

"Shigure, we didn't..." he looked up, with that, "Oh, go ahead, explain yourself look, I'm waiting" look, and I just crumpled right there.

"Yeah..." I admitted quietly, "Yeah, we did."

"...you know what Akito would do."

Those words struck me to the core, as I realized that I hadn't even been thinking about Akito. And the scary part was, I really _didn't_ know what Akito would do...

"Shigure, you...please don't..." I started, not even being able to conjure up words that would properly express how important it was that Akito not find out. He got up and began walking out, but suddenly paused, and hesitantly spoke:

"I'll give you as much rope as you like, Yuki-Kun, but as soon as you get hung, that's it."

_**As soon as**__ I get hung?_

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"Kureno…promise me this isn't the last time…" Arisa murmered as Kureno shuffled around under the sheets, in an attempt to un-entangle himself from her. He laughed softly.

"I promise," he assured her, softly kissing the top of her head. She relaxed, kindly allowing him to escape from his own bed.

"I won't be out long," he said, closing the bedroom door behind him.

He took a few steps outside, breathing deeply in an attempt to calm himself. He felt in his pocket for security, calmed by the feeling that the steel of the gun had to it.

_**I promise. **_

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**Have you realized what ruins that entire lemon yet? Whoever guess right, I'll send you an alternate ending (the last thousand words or so, not the sex scene). Yes, Kureno and Arisa were getting it on. Wouldn't it have been terrible if I posted a lemon for them instead? Haha. **

**I actually spell-checked this one, so if there are any mis-spellings, know that I did everything I could to avoid them. However, I did not go over it myself too much, I just sat down and wrote it all out. I haven't read a lot of lemons that went into details on BJ's, but I wanted it to be special for the two of them. **

**Anyway, it's summer, you can expect updates more often. **

—**Psycho.**


	24. The End

**AT****TENTION CHILDREN!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, LISTEN TO "NEEDLE IN THE HAY" WHILE YOU READ THIS, I SWEAR TO GOD IT WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER THAT WAY. Seriously. Just take a minute, go on you tube, look it up and play it. (you dont even have to replay it when it's over, although there will probably be a fair amount of story left to read, so maybe you'd want to? idk, just please!!!)**

**Boring stuff: new virus on laptop, other stories will be updated when this one is FINISHED (I haven't given up on either of the other two, btw), um... YAYZ FOR SUMMER!**

**Please review, and please enjoy.**

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After what Shigure said, I went back up to my room and got in bed.

I should be happy, right?

But I wasn't. And for once in my life, I felt like I could do something about it, and that I had the will power to do whatever it was that I had to do. I needed to fix my unhappiness.

Sometimes in life, you have monumental moments where you realize that everything is ending. You suddenly know what you have to do, and how things are going to be, and you feel everything shifting. It feels bigger than you--like, you're the one making the change, but somehow it's beyond your control, that things will get better no matter what. Or just simply that, one way or the other, the end is near. And, I swear to God, it's the most peaceful feeling in the world.

I thought, as I lifted my feet from the bed, This is it, This is what I'm supposed to be doing. I thought, as I put on some nice black pants and a collared red shirt with a tie, I might as well look nice for this. I thought, as I grabbed the keys to Shigure's car, I hope I can drive. I thought, as I finally drove the car off the dirt road and onto the highway, I hope I don't look too young to be driving. I thought, as I sped along with the windows rolled down, laughing with relief,

_**It's finally going to be over.**_

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Kureno knelt down, the sweat rolling down the side of his cheek. He nearly felt sick, looking at the revolver. He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to do this, he kept thinking. But it was his only option here. He couldn't see any other way to fix it all. If he didn't, the old demons would always come running back, no matter what.

_Please forgive me for this. I'm sorry. Please, __**someone,**__ forgive me for this..._

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You have no control in life.

Akito watched a puddle outside, water dripping from a plant leaf into it, ever so slowly.

_Drip..._

_Drip..._

_Drip..._

What a forsaken noise! She shook the plant leaf, attempting to make it dry.

_DRIP_

_DRIP_

_DRIP_

She had only made it go faster. The water was coming from a leaf higher up than that one. So, she shook the upper plant leaf.

_**DRIP**_

_**DRIP **_

_**DRIP**_

Where was it coming from?! she wondered. She simply pulled the small plant up from its roots, and threw it far away from the porch.

There.

Now it could be quiet.

A moment later, she began to sob, realizing that now the plant would die.

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Shigure rolled around in his bed, getting tangled up in the sheets. He suddenly wondered what was worse: A dead lover? Or, a lover that you could simply no longer love?

He felt that the latter was worse, only from personal experience. Of course, the latter is better for sure, simply because death is best avoided, at all costs. But, Shigure felt that he couldn't settle at that, because with a dead lover, it's over. But with a lover that you don't want anymore, there are always traces left. And it was, not a long-forgotten curse, but those traces that still bound him to this miserable place.

And, yet, he thought of Hatori. He had thought Hatori would never move on, but he did, and he was..._happy._

And it hit him all at once--all the times he had felt sorry for Hatori, thinking how pathetic it was that he never got over Kanna...but Shigure realized that he had it worse, much worse. He'd loved Akito since childhood, and he still tried to love her now. But he didn't. He couldn't. The whole thing had ended, long, long ago. It was ridiculous.

He had to go see her.

Of course, he was quite stunned to realize that his minivan wasn't in the driveway, and that none of the kids were home except for Yuki's boyfriend.

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Kureno observed Akito weeping and holding the carcass of a plant, out on her porch, from within her room (he had entered through the back door, expecting her to be asleep). He took a deep breath, the gun ready in his pocket, and walked forward. He didn't believe that anyone should die in such misery.

_I'll make her happy, one last time. _

_This one last time, I'll save you._

"What's wrong?" he asked, coming up behind her and placing a hand on her shoulder. He expected her to snap around, slap him, asking where he'd been. But, instead, she said nothing.

"What's wrong, Akito-San?" he repeated. She tilted her head his way slowly, as if she had just noticed that he was there.

_"It's over,"_ she whispered. "Everything."

"What?" Kureno questioned, genuinely confused.

"I know it is," she muttered, her voice shaking and choking on words. "It's all about to end. I've done so much...hurt so much...and I can't fix it, any of it. It's over..."

She brought her knees up to her chest, cradling them with her arms, and laid her head on top of them. Kureno wasn't sure if these were the ramblings that were product of insanity, or if she really had some sort of intuition, but he wasn't going to tell her any different. So, he simply put his arm around her, and whispered gently, "I'm sorry," hoping to provide some comfort.

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Shigure and Kakeru_ ran_. Fast enough, to see Kyo and Tohru running in the distance.

_Such bullshit,_ Shigure thought, _that there's four of us running, and Yuki's by himself with the car._ Yuki had left a note so no one would think he had run away or anything if they noticed he was gone, but it pissed off Shigure especially that they were headed to the _same place_ and he still had walk.

"Kyo!" Shigure yelled. "Where the _hell_ are you going at four in the morning?!"

Both of the teens looked back at Shigure, about twenty feet ahead now, with that "Oh, shit, I just got caught sneaking out look," but by the time they had run back to Shigure, Kyo, at least, had composed himself. He was panting, but he took a deep breath, wiping the sweat off his forehead. They were settled on the sidewalk, near a park.

"Shigure...I'm leaving."

"What? You're running away?!"

"No, no...I mean, graduation's in a few weeks, and...Shigure, my curse broke. A long time ago, it broke." For the life of him, Shigure couldn't figure out why the _Cat,_ of all the Zodiac Members, would choose to hang around if he didn't have to, especially Kyo specifically, but the fact that a curse had broken did not surprise him one bit.

"Mine, too," Shigure admitted, though it had only been a few months ago that his had gone.

Tohru immediately jumped up and hugged him around his neck. "I always wanted to hug Shigure-san, and I never could, but now..." She grinned; her eyes were brimming with tears, "Now it's okay!"

Shigure chuckled, and patted her on the back, in the way that an old uncle would.

"What about Yuki-kun?" Tohru asked, nervously, looking over at Kakeru. He was standing off to the side, shamelessly without a shirt and seemingly unaware of the implications that brought to everyone's attention, not feeling like he should invite himself into this "family moment". Honestly, he just wanted to find Yuki.

Once Kakeru realized they were looking at him, he shrugged, "He 'asn't said anything, I don't think his broke."

Kyo snorted, and muttered, "Like he's hanging around a lot of _girls,_ anyway..."

Shigure chuckled, and then noticed that Tohru had fallen asleep against him.

"Why'd you bring her, anyway?" Shigure asked, thinking that this was no place for a girl like her to be tagging along.

"I didn't, I was about four minutes along, and then she ran up behind me and said she wanted to go with me."

Shigure gently shook her awake. Her eyes snapped open immediately, and she apologized frantically.

"Where are _you _going?" Kyo asked, fairly sure that Shigure wouldn't leave the comfort of his bed simply out of worry for the two of them.

"To talk to Akito. It's all coming down tonight, isn't it?"

"Hehe, this is exciting," Kakeru said, naively.

"_Oh-ho,_ yeah," Shigure said, both him and Kyo laughing darkly.

Shigure and Kyo could have made comfort-promises to each other that they would both stay in touch and maybe look out for one another after they escaped this painful place. But they both knew that they had each been a part of what made it a painful place for the other, and any comfort either of them could possibly find in the other would only ever be found in such a place. So, they walked by each other, soaking up the last bit of "brotherly" comfort that they would ever find in one another.

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Kureno counted his blessings that he had chickened out, for he would have been in quite a bit of trouble, had he shot Akito and had Yuki come running up in front of them a minute later. Of course, they were now in her room, but he still might not have gotten away or been able to hide.

"What is it," Akito whispered, emotionlessly, to Yuki in front of her. Yuki drew in a deep breath, and then looked right into her eyes for a long moment, something he'd never done before. "Did..." she hesitated, "Your curse broke, too, didn't it?"

Yuki looked at her, curiously, unaware that curses had been breaking.

"What? Who else's has broken?" Yuki asked.

Akito laughed bitterly, taking that as a "yes", and replied, "Everyone else's! It takes a while to notice, you all think I'm stupid, but...I can feel it. I know."

"Well, no...Mine hasn't broken. But I just came to tell you that..."

_NO? His hasn't broken?_

This was it, Yuki thought, I can do this.

"I'm leaving the Sohma after graduation, curse or no. I won't be attending banquets, I won't be visiting, I won't be assuming head of the family once you're dead, I won't be associating with anyone in this family other than some of the other Zodiac Members."

Whether it was the product of a broken heart, a lonely child within her, or just the thoughts of an insane, desperate woman, can't be determined. But when Akito heard him say, "No," knew that she still had Yuki, at least, her entire world seemed to brighten.

The fantasy wasn't over.

But then he came out, saying that it didn't matter...?! He was still leaving her?! And it was all gone, just like that.

_Don't climb up away from me._

"NOOOOOOO!" she cried out, angry tears streaming from her face.

Suddenly, she pulled out a knife from within her kimono, and ran towards Yuki.

_It's dark down here. Please don't take away my last source of light._

Kureno began to reach into his pocket for the gun, but, even to his own surprise, Yuki didn't freak out. He immediately caught her arm before she could jab him in the side, and twisted it behind her back. They wrestled in this fashion for quite a while, and Yuki didn't mind, because he told himself, he would not lose this fight.

"You worthless piece of shit!" she wailed. "You're the same ungrateful, fucking ingrate that you've always been!"

_Don't leave me!_

"Shut _the fuck up!"_ he yelled back. "I'm not a piece of shit, I'm not a fucking ingrate, and I'm not listening to your bullshit anymore!"

"Bullshit?! Do even remember who I am? You need me! You wouldn't even be alive if it weren't for me! You'd just be a scrawny, boring faggot!"

Yuki pondered for a moment whether the last insult was based on knowledge--Shigure may very well have told, despite him claiming not to have--or purely inserted for a lack of anything better. And then he decided it didn't matter.

"Yeah? You really wanna have a go at me? Well, I'm moving out in two weeks, _with my boyfriend."_

Though, Yuki clearly had the upper hand in strength, Akito had quite a few maneuvers. No matter, for Yuki had wrestled the knife out of her hand, and quickly got both of her arms behind her back and held the knife up beneath her throat. She growled fiercely, not believing that he would dare to do it, and not really caring if he did.

And, as Yuki held her in that position, he thought of all the various ways she had made him suffer. All the ways that she had hurt him, all the ways it had affected him his entire life. And, a part of him, a dark part, thought how satisfying it would be to simply hold the knife a little closer in, and watch her die, ever so slowly, savoring every moment of her death, the same death that he was sure he was experiencing years ago when she had enclosed his every surrounding with darkness. But, then he realized that to do so would be to bring back to life that same Yuki that had shit self-esteem and was near suicidal, a Yuki that was nearly gone, but still hanging on by a thread. All it would take was that one motion to satisfy him...but it would also be to say "I hate you because you won."

And then Yuki realized that the rest of him, much more prominent, only wanted one thing. It wanted Akito to _lose._ He leaned in next to Akito's ear, though still holding the knife up to prevent any escape attempts, and whispered strongly, "And I'm_ happy_ now."

_Why are you leaving me down here...?!_

For once, he wasn't simply fighting Kyo or some asshole at school who thought he was just a "pretty boy", he was really fighting for his rights and for himself--and he was _not_ going to lose.

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It wasn't quite light outside yet when Tohru, Kyo, Shigure, and Kakeru reached the main gate. They crawled through the small space in the wall, not caring to explain their reasoning to the little box beside the metal post.

Just as they got through, Kakeru saw a figure in the distance. It was vague at first, but as they walked farther along the path, he was almost sure it was...yes, it was _Mikio_. Kakeru became increasingly distraught the closer they came to one another. At first, he noted that Mikio was shirtless, and something along the lines of, "At least I'm not alone," entered his mind, but the closer he got, the more beat up he seemed to be. First he noticed a few bruises along his sides, and then he noticed that he was...Jesus Christ, was he _bleeding?!_ They were walking straight at each other, now about seven feet away, and Kakeru could plainly see that he had been crying and that the bruises were grab-marks.

"Mikio..." Kakeru breathed.

He suddenly found himself wishing that he had listened to what Mikio talked about in group.

"Mikio, just come with me, okay?"

Mikio, however snorted and began to walk away. Vainly, in an attempt to keep him from leaving, Kakeru grabbed his arm. Mikio shuddered then quickly jerked away and shouted, _"Don't fucking touch me!_ _I don't want __**anyone**__ fucking __**touching me!"**_

"Okay," Kakeru said, trying to keep him calm. "Just tell me what's wrong. Let's figure this out."

"Fuck off," he snarled back. "I'm getting out of this fucking place, and I'm never coming back."

"Okay. You don't have to come back here. Ever. Just come with me real quick, then you can get some of your shit at home, and then you can stay at my place. Fair enough?"

Mikio eyed him suspiciously, but nodded resigningly, not wanting to explain the situation to any of his friends he went to school with and whatnot.

Kakeru smiled in relief, and responded, "Alright, come on," and ran to catch up with the others.

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Kureno had only been vaguely aware of the ongoing battle between Akito and Yuki. He sat in the corner of the room, barely noticeable, with the gun mindlessly laid out beside him.

He recalled being very young. He remembered his Mother and his Father...though, they'd never dared to have another child after him, and they were still never harsh with him. They were kind enough. When he wanted to go to a friend's house, they might drive him. When he was trying to buy something, they would lend him the money and let him take his time in paying it back. When he informed them of his curse breaking, they were happy enough about it. Kureno always felt that it was a bit obligatory--as if they did parent things because they had to. But then, he would look at other children of the curse, like Hatori, or Ayame, and think to himself, "How can_ I_ complain?"

So, he convinced himself that he was "content". His life wasn't _bad_. But, suddenly, as he looked at the situation before him, he realized that that wasn't enough. Akito could very well let go of Yuki and still be head of the family, and that would be okay. But, there she was, threatening him with a knife, a sad, sad, gluttonous attempt at having even more power.

Of course, no one but Kureno could find any moral value in Akito, but he saw it as sort of a lesson that wanting more than "Okay" was a universal thing, and not just something that he was afflicted with at the moment. And, being the kind soul that he was, he wanted more for everyone. Lord knew that if all the Zodiac Members were gone, Akito would go completely mad with power over the rest of the family. He picked up the gun, and was about to find his aim...

_"WHAT THE FUCK, YUKI?!"_

And he dropped the gun because a shirtless boy had swung the door open, yelling, for some God forsaken reason.

The shirtless boy, quick to his wit when it came to fighting, ran to jump into the fight. Yuki and Akito each had their hand on separate parts of the knife handle, tugging in separate directions. Akito won, as Yuki had instinctively pulled his hand away as it began to slip onto the blade. Akito was about to lunge at Yuki again, when Kakeru caught her hand, though Yuki had jumped back, anyway.

Kureno was still on the other end, feeling around on the floor for his gun (it was not quite dawn yet), and Shigure, Kyo, and Tohru stood in the door way, shocked and baffled, not only at the fight, but that Kureno had been holding a _gun_, let alone the fact that he was even in the possession of one. He was baffled that it hadn't gone off when he dropped it, since he had been stupid enough to leave the safety off.

Akito pulled away from Kakeru's grip, but made no further attempts. Kakeru quickly got to Yuki's side and hugged him, still panting from the run there, and still shocked to see his boyfriend in a knife fight.

"Yuki..." he muttered, laying his head on the shorter boy's shoulder.

"Oh, I suppose this is your little _friend?"_ Akito snarled. It suddenly occurred to Akito that maybe Yuki wasn't crawling away from her. Maybe someone was pulling him _away_.

Once that thought entered her head, she lost it. Akito was never completely sane, but she had never truly been willing to kill someone. However, at this moment, she viewed Kakeru as a problem; a problem that could easily be terminated. And with that, she quickly jerked him away from Yuki, completely using the element of surprise, and thrust her arm around to hold the knife to Kakeru's throat. She didn't bother holding him down, she had the knife right against his throat--if he moved in any direction, it would break the skin, at least.

A hand, holding the revolver, trembled in the corner of the room.

"See, Yuki? This is what happens when you defy me," Akito said, the same words he had used with every other zodiac member before a punishment was delivered. Yuki couldn't find any words to say, nor could anyone else in the room. He was afraid that any remark he made on the situation, any move he made, would result in him slitting Kakeru's throat. It honestly was the most terrifying moment in his life. Everyone had watched, scared for everyone's general well-being, but not truly believed that any deaths may occur until this moment. At this moment, there was not a shred of reason left in Akito.

However, the hand in the corner of the room had steadied itself, and it had a straight shot.

"Next time, Yuki, it won't just be your little fuck-toy, it might be--

_POW!_

No one ever knew how that sentence ended. Suddenly, the knife dropped, and Kakeru froze, the weight of a dead body leaning against him. He slowly peeled the lifeless arm from his shoulder, and let the body drop to the floor, too shocked to do anything properly.

However, it was not Kureno who was sobbing with the revolver in his hand.

Tohru sank to the floor, stared at the revolver still in her hand, and cried, shaking violently.

"She was going to kill him..." she murmured. "I knew it, I knew if I didn't..."

"Tohru?" Kyo prompted quietly. "We understand, it's not--

Then after she seemed to think to herself for a moment, she cut Kyo off with a loud shriek, and raised the gun to her head, and before anyone could do anything, she pulled the trigger. And then she pulled it again. And again. And then she cried out again, every time she realized that she was stuck there.

_Click. _

_Click._

_Click._

Of course, the gun had only one bullet loaded, as its original intended use didn't require any more than that.

Kyo was simply watching, and crying, himself, horrified from the whole incident, flinching every time he heard that little clicking noise and his girlfriend screaming. Trying not to be so freaked, he walked over to her and kneeled down, putting his hand on her shoulder. "Tohru," he whispered, "Its okay. Akito WAS going to kill him...you did the right thing."

_Click._

Shigure calmly removed the gun from Tohru's shaky hand and walked over to the door to the bathroom on the far side of the room. He picked up one of Akito's towels and used it as a shield from his hand as he put it under the sink and washed it off, then dried it with another towel, which he then used to hold it as he walked back over to Akito's corpse. He wasn't sure that water and wiping would get rid of any thumbprints or any other DNA, but it was only a safety measure; The Sohma were an old fashioned people, it was unlikely that they would do anything like getting DNA tests done.

_Be careful what you wish for, _he thought dryly.

And then he carefully placed the gun in Akito's hand, and positioned her now-stiff muscles so that she appeared to be holding it, one cold finger around the trigger.

_I won't grant you an honorable death, sweetheart._

And Yuki was hardly noticing any of it. That one moment that Akito died was the most monumental moment in Yuki's life. Everything came flooding out of him, slowly. He felt like part of him had been quickly yanked out with no concern for how he would heal. He dropped to his knees, and began to sob uncontrollably, as he realized that he was no longer bound to the curse. This brought him pain and heartbreak, and at the same time, tremendous relief. But his curse had not broken the same way all the others did. You might think that it wasn't as monumental, because all the others' broke through some huge realization, but if you look at the facts, Yuki had several huge realizations, and none of them seemed to do the trick.

Perhaps it was all prolonged so that he could have this one moment. Perhaps it was so he could rip his own chains off. Perhaps it was so he could think of the person that he had, all his life, been told and come to believe that he needed to live--just so he could look at their dead, disfigured head and it's blood and brains spread out on the floor, and realize that they were gone, and he was still there.

All on his own, Yuki was alive.

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**Of course, I will not hold review ransom for the next one, but as always, reviews would ENCOURAGE me to get it done already.**

**This is the OFFICIAL ending, but there's going to be a PROLOGUE, and it will tie up any loose ends that are left. YOU NEED TO TELL ME RIGHT NOW, THOUGH, IF THERE'S ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR THAT NEEDS TO BE TIED UP, BECAUSE I MAY VERY WELL LOOK OVER IT! It can be random, like Machi and what's his face, something you didn't get, or whatever, but you just really need to tell me because I'm mostly going to go over all of the major things. After the prologue, there's going to be a rambling and Thank You's and all of that lovely stuff because, hello?! This thing has taken me over a year and a half.**

**I actually wrote most of this a few weeks ago, but I wanted to go over everything--you know, get rid of the typos, make the wording a little better (I tend to get lazy when I've worked on something for like two hours) and all of that stuff. Yours who loves you so very much and WOULD REALLY LIKE REVIEWS FROM YOU,**

**Psycho.**


	25. Prologue

**I think a lot of people thought the last chapter was the ending...well, it was, officially, but... even this isn't going to be the last word in, there's still gonna be like one more thing for the reviewers, since, y'know, this thing took me like two years almost. damn.**

**My baby's all grown up now :(**

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"I think one of the biggest things you can never forget is that people will surprise you, always. The reasons that you should remember that will vary, just like the ways that people will surprise you will vary. It might be important so you don't feel quite as shocked when someone does something bad that you wouldn't expect, or it might be important so you remember that a good outcome from someone is always possible. And always expect new things from yourself, you don't want anything you do to be limited.

"Another big thing is, don't try to understand everything. You can spend _so_ much time thinking about the world and analyzing your life experiences, and you'll still end up a little confused, somewhere that's uncharted at some point. But that's okay. Whatever you've learned, you'll know how to apply it in those situations, trying to figure out what you've learned up until them only confirms it."

The way things all came to an end, it wasn't pretty, and it definately wasn't expected. But it was one of those things that, even though no one wanted to admit it out loud or even to themselves, it was probably for the best--for everyone involved. We had to hide Tohru after the incident--she wanted to turn herself in whenever the police came, but as far as they know, she wasn't involved in any of it. I had to admit that Shigure was relatively smart about all of it. The story he gave all of us, including Kureno, to tell was that we had all gathered to have an intervention for Akito (at four in the morning, because we knew it would be too easy for her to get away if she even remotely expected we were coming) because we were concerned about her odd behavior that we beleived had been a sign of mental illness; She got very upset, and began attacking Yuki and Kakeru, which explained any signs of injury on her, as there was proof with the bruises on me that it happened; When Shigure tried to intervene, she of course pulled out a gun and threatened him (completely by surprise, holding it up to his head, which would explain the slightest bits of his DNA on it) but then shot herself. And Hatori, having been her doctor for over a decade, backed up the accusations of her mentally ill symptoms and her refusal to take any sort of sedative or medication. And not that there's anything wrong with being transexual in reality, but to the police, they took it as another sign of mental confusion. And, of course, Shigure called the police himself and Kureno notified other members of the family right away. None of the Sohmas cried murder, because frankly, we all knew Akito was on the edge. It's a case-closed kind of thing, legally, and for the family; I don't think anyone would dare to bring it up now--No one's interested in reviving such a dreadful curse, and what would be the point in sucking up to a ghost? As far as the Sohma goes, it's not such a bad family anymore. With the curse gone, there's only traces of cult-like behavior left, and a lot of the family moved off of the estate. Without Akito alive, everyone that went along with her rash behavior felt pretty ashamed. Rumor has it, Ren might sell the place to be turned into a parking lot, which would be fine by me.

Tohru was totally distressed for a while. She forced herself to school everyday so she would graduate just fine, but she was nowhere near her usual self. And, of course, she couldn't even talk to Uotani or Hanajima about it. It was bad, really bad.

But a funny thing happened. A couple days before graduation, me and Kyo and Shigure sat down to talk about it. Kyo was distressed because she was distressed, of course. I felt horribly bad for her, and even Shigure admitted that he missed her old self. Though, we had told her over and over that it wasn't her fault, any of us would have done the same, Kakeru would be dead if she hadn't, that she had actually _saved_ Kakeru, ect. But, for her, it kept coming back down to the basic elements of the situation: Of course, she had the weight of a person's life on her shoulders, but I think it was more than that for her--she had played God. She weighed Kakeru's life against Akito's, and she decided that Kakeru would live and Akito would die. I think it hurt her because it proved wrong what she had thought she had known about herself; She had thought she was everyone's friend, that she passed no judgement, that she treated everyone equally. And this proved to her that she _did _pass judgement when it came right down to things. She had to, you know, she was human. Anyway, after we talked for sometime, Shigure said he thought it would be best to see if Hatori would do a memory suppression, which he probably would. I initially argued that she might go insane if she had that dwelling, pushed back in her subconious, and Kyo argued that she would definately go insane the way she was already. Ultimately, I gave, and Shigure said he would call Hatori the following morning. So, he did, and while he was on the phone, Tohru stumbled out down the stairs, looking tired and sad still, but she heard him talking and told him, "I don't want my memories erased; Remembering is too imporant." Of course, Hatori wouldn't do it without her consent, so the whole thing was called off. At first, we were all skeptical. I vaguely suspected that it was a guilt thing--like, she didn't think she deserved to run away from her torment. But, the days went by, and even though at first it was slight, she seemed kind of okay by graduation. At least for that day, she was kind of cheerful and she smiled and kissed Kyo in pictures and threw her hat up and everything. And whenever me and Kakeru came down to visit a few months later, she was just almost back to her old self.

Things were weird for me and Kakeru, too. Kakeru spent the next few days acting a bit somber, and who could blame him? Having a near-death experience really shakes a person to the core. But, ultimately, he said it just made him appreciate being alive a lot more. It had me freaked out for a while, though. It was really...I don't even know how to explain it. Basically, I had realized that someone I loved could be so easily whisked away when the knife was at his throat, and then the potential threat was eliminated immediately afterwards. It took some time to sort out. We spent a lot of the week before graduation alone together, a lot of the time just holding eachother or something.

The scene replayed over and over in my head, I had more than a few nightmares about it; Akito was about to kill Kakeru, the gun shot sounded, Akito turned her head slightly, Akito was shot before she could even do anything else, and Akito's body fell to the ground as a pool of blood would gather around her head. I guess the nightmares actually helped, as weird as it sounds; Like, I saw it in my head so many times that it finally didn't scare me anymore. Of course, it was deeper than I think I could even explain it. Akito was "God" to me, to all of us, for so long. I didn't watch Akito die while I had the curse, though. No, it was simpler than that. As soon as Akito died, the curse died with her. I don't think I can explain, as hard as I've tried, the way that it moved me, because I don't fully comprehend it myself. I just know that a part of me died as well, and I could almost physically feel it leaving me.

And, of course, _all _of us were pretty shaken after watching someone die like that. Therapy and such was out of the quesiton, because that would involve confessing to involvement in a murder case, and there are certain things that a therapist is legally bound to tell if they hear them, and the psychological damage from watching a suicide is a lot different from watching what we did. And I don't think anyone really wanted to go to therapy anyway; It would just be a bunch of stupid textbook answers, which totally undermines the complexity of the situation, or any given situation really. And, of course, it was deeper. Even though their curses had already broken, Kyo and Shigure both said that it still kind of had the effect on them of "God" dying. And Kureno...it was odd, but when Akito died, he just...he sat there and smiled. And I was glad that he did, because he was the only one that could, because...

It was over.

Me and Kyo actually sat down to talk about everything a few times before. I wouldn't call us friends, but we don't have many qualms with eachother anymore. He said that even though he didn't know Kakeru, he was happy that he was the one who lived.

So, graduation wasn't as amazing as it could have been, but I wasn't expecting my life to suddenly be amazing all in that one moment anyway (even though I kind of was, I knew that was a pretty unrealistic thing to expect). But it was okay. There was a party afterwards, and I have to admit, I got pretty wasted for the first time in my life; I remember me and Kakeru went to one of the "spare rooms", and that awful girl with the pigtails walked in on us, sputtering garbage about Prince **Yuki,** and how could it be, and blahblahblah...I wasn't really in tune enough to give a shit about a girl who interupted me and my boyfriend to yell at us.

Everyone in the family moved onto various aspirations. Kyo and Tohru moved to Tokyo. Kyo started teaching at some prestigious dojo, and Tohru, despite what she had always said about only finishing high school, decided to go to a Culinary Arts School. She still works as hard at a minimum wage job as she did before, but she had quite a bit of money saved up from all the work in high school, and she's been doing quite well at from what I hear. Ayame expanded his clothing line, and while he's not exactly a well-known designer, a few ridiculously pricey stores carry his clothes, which is pretty cool, and Mai's gone everywhere he has. Momijji went to Germany on a foreign exchange program for the remainder of the school year, said he wanted to get in touch with his roots. Rin enrolled in a community college for the next two years, but she says she's just getting all the boring classes out of the way so she'll have more room in her schedule if she gets accepted into an art school. Haru dropped out of High School, which, of course, disappointed everybody at first, but he set off to travel with some friends who owned a van, and he seems happy when we see him. From what he's said, they're making honest money to fund it all, at least. Of course, Rin was incredibly pissed about it, but she agreed to go have some fun with them when the summer comes around. Shigure stopped using pen-names for all his novels, and let his identity be known, causing something of an Ann Rice epidemic; He started going to book-signings and such, relatively in high demand.

It's been about half a year now, since we all graduated and everything. Me and Kakeru decided to move to a bigger city, and durr, move in together. We both decided to go to college, but not the same one. I'm really not sure what it is he's trying to do with his life, but he's getting good grades at his artsy school, and I know whatever it is, he'll put everything he has into it. I think I'm aspiring to be a teacher, but I'm not totally sure either. Machi and Nao actually live pretty close by, and we're sharing the rent/apartment with some college girls that are pretty cool, albeit asking me about things like shoes and drapes that I know nothing about all the time... But college is really cool. Me and Kakeru don't have to always be hiding, or hiding at all really, and it's a hell of a lot better than High School.

I'm not trying to claim that people who go through heaps of misfortune are going to ever see nothing but sunshine if they pull through, because that's simply not true, but I do know that if you just hang in there, you'll be okay. _The kind of happiness that comes about in real life is just having things be pretty okay all around, but it's better than it sounds. Even through all the horrible things and hardships, life is amazing. Even those horrible things are amazing, in a weird, twisted way. _

_The kind of happiness that you find in real life, and that I've found, is just knowing that even if things that got good get bad again, they'll get good again, and it'll all even out._

It's not like you can snap your fingers and have all your problems go away. I still have nightmares sometimes, but Kakeru's always there to wake me up. On the flip side, I still see scratches on Kakeru's arm from time to time, but I always remind him that at least we got the ball rolling, and it's going to be okay. As far as family goes, I talk to a few select members, and am pretty indifferent about the rest of them. Kakeru and Machi don't talk to their dad anymore, for obvious reasons, and he talks to his mom from time to time, but it always sounds pretty awkward. At least they speak, though.

_The kind of happiness you find in real life is knowing that at least a few of the loose ends have been tied up._

Oh, and it turns out Daddy dearest was a repeat offender. That poor Mikio kid had gone through much worse with him than I had, for about three years, but he finally told his parents and they took him to court on it. Of course, Mikio won with all the physical evidence there was on both of them, and I testified for his case, which means that he only got in trouble for Mikio, but I still helped I guess. And trashed his all-mighty reputation since it's apparent now that he's an incestuous rapist. But, apparently I was luckier, there was about a handful of pre-teens that had worse stories of the same man, male and female, inside and outside the Sohma. The guy was a freak.

The only thing I really have to say about everything that's happened in my life is that a lot of it has been horrible, but I've gotten over it pretty much. It's impossible to say that things like that don't affect you, but it's amazing to say that they're not holding you back anymore. I mean, at this point, my life is pretty normal, even a little better than normal.

In the end, all you can really do is count your losses, but count your wins, too, and don't give up on finding all the beautiful things in life, because they'll spring up on you when you least expect it, and never pass up a chance for new beginnings.

**FIN**


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